August 12, 2018.
humor and hatred
My heart was not used to this much attention.
My heart shivered at every word you spoke.
Valentine’s and roses never made me feel a thing but-
when you even said my name, I felt it flutter as it broke.
I’m coated in gasoline and perfume.
My heart’s grown enamel from being this used.
My guard is up, my chest is locked, I can’t allow myself to feel.
I have cut everyone in my life off and use my self hatred as a shield.
For when you say you’ve grown tired and your feelings melted away
For when you said I’m nothing and you slowly felt yourself go astray
It hurts less to think that that’s such a normal thing;
I hate myself too and I understand your pain.
And when we last spoke, I kept making jokes -about how funny this whole thing was.
You thought I was rubbing it all in, and you flinched at hearing your own behavior.
But I’m just ripping off these band-aids and poking at your buttons.
I want you to know that I found a fruit within your hard labor and it’s worth something.
You worked so hard to crush me.
Unfortunately, there’s still some of me left.
I’m rising from this dirt like theater curtains.
And you can’t just move me with the stench of alcohol on your breath.
I found love, I found hurt, I found coping in a million different ways.
And I’m laughing, oh I’m laughing, please feel free to do the same.
You’ve numbed me for so long with the cocaine on your palms.
It’s beautiful that just talking to you now, I can remember that love’s cost.
I'm a joke and you're always going to be in on it.
It's kind of idiotic and I'm still in pain.
Don't you just love dark humor?
-That kind of love that will never disappear in a day.
Poetry by aidan haskel
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Written on 2018-08-13 at 04:39
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