THE PUNK MACBETH (By Edna MacSweetlove)
ACT I, SCENE I. The heath.Enter three WITCHES
FIRST WITCH
When shall we three meet again?
SECOND WITCH
Fuck'd if I know.
THIRD WITCH
Who the fuck's that over there?
[Enter MACBETH and BANQUO]
MACBETH
So foul and fair a fucking day I have not seen, mate.
BANQUO
Oi! You three ugly old bags! Who the fuck are you?
FIRST WITCH
It's the fucking thane of Glamis!
SECOND WITCH
Shut your gob, thou cow. It's the thane of fucking Cawdor.
Or soon fucking will be.
THIRD WITCH
And fucking king not fucking long hereafter, me old mate.
BANQUO
Who the fuck are you talking to, you old slags?
FIRST WITCH
Not you, fuckface.
[Enter ROSS and ANGUS]
ROSS
Oi, Mac, got some fucking great news for you,
Cawdor's got 'imself topped.
ANGUS
For fucking treason, no fucking less.
MACBETH
Fuck me, those old bags aren't so fucking thick after all.
[Exeunt]
ACT I, SCENE II. A room in the palace.
[Flourish. Enter DUNCAN, MALCOLM, MACBETH and ATTENDANTS]
DUNCAN
Is that fucker Cawdor dead then?
MALCOLM
He's fucking dead, pop.
DUNCAN
Right, so you get all his fucking lands and wealth, Macbeth.
And you, Malcolm, my son, I appoint you my fucking heir.
MACBETH
Well that's put the fucking cat among the fucking pigeons.
And no fucking mistake.
[Exeunt]
ACT I, SCENE III. A room in Macbeth's castle.
[Enter LADY MACBETH, reading a letter]
LADY MACBETH
Me old man's doing fucking great!
He's a double fucking thane. And it's king next fucking stop.
[Enter MACBETH]
MACBETH
The king's on his fucking way, forsooth.
LADY MACBETH
Let's kill the fucker.
MACBETH
Fuck me, that's a bit fucking previous.
[Exeunt]
ACT I, SCENE IV. Before Macbeth's castle.
[Enter DUNCAN, BANQUO and MALCOLM and ATTENDANTS]
DUNCAN
He'd better have a fucking good meal ready.
I've just fucking promoted him and I'm fucking starving.
[Enter LADY MACBETH]
LADY MACBETH
You're fucking welcome, my fucking liege.
We've got a Michelin starred slap up meal waiting.
DUNCAN
I should fucking think so, and all.
[Exeunt]
ACT I, SCENE V. A lobby in Macbeth's castle.
[Enter MACBETH and LADY MACBETH]
MACBETH
If it were done, it were best done fucking sharpish.
But I'm not sure I've got the fucking bottle.
He is a fucking king. And I'm the fucking host.
Don't seem right, some fucking how.
LADY MACBETH
Shut your fucking gob, you cunt.
[Exeunt]
========================================
ACT II, SCENE I. Courtyard of Macbeth's castle.
[Enter BANQUO and FLEANCE]
BANQUO
It's a bit fucking cold out tonight. Oi! Who's there?
[Enter MACBETH]
MACBETH
It's me, cunt. I was thinking of those three old bags.
Fucking weird, or what?
[Exeunt BANQUO and FLEANCE]
MACBETH
Is this a fucking dagger I see before me?
Its handle right before me old mince pies?
Right-o, Duncan my lad, you're fucking for it.
[Enter LADY MACBETH]
LADY MACBETH
I've drugged the fucking guards, mate.
So go and kill the fucker.
[Exit MACBETH]
LADY MACBETH
What's that noise I fucking hear? A fucking owl probably.
[Enter MACBETH]
MACBETH
I have done the fucking deed. Didst thou not hear a noise?
LADY MACBETH
Only a fucking owl.
MACBETH
I have fucking murder'd sleep. I'm none too proud of myself.
It was fucking wholesale slaughter up there.
LADY MACBETH
Give me the fucking daggers and wash thy fucking hands
Before thou incarnadine the fucking multitudinous seas.
[Knocking within]
MACBETH
What the fuck is that?
LADY MACBETH
Probably your fucking knees, you wanker.
[Knocking again]
[Exeunt MACBETH and LADY MACBETH]
ACT II, SCENE II. The same.
[Enter PORTER]
PORTER
What a fucking racket
[Knock. Knock. Knock.]
[Enter MACDUFF and LENNOX]
MACDUFF
You took your fucking time. Take me to the fucking king.
[Exit MACDUFF]
LENNOX
It's been a rough old night. The earth was fucking feverous.
PORTER
You don't fucking say.
[Enter MACDUFF]
MACDUFF
Fucking Hell! Someone's killed the fucking king!
[Enter LADY MACBETH]
LADY MACBETH
What, in our fucking house?
[Enter MACBETH]
MACBETH
Fuck me. This is totally out of fucking order.
I've just killed the guards as they're the guilty fuckers.
MACDUFF
Why the fuck did you do that?
MACBETH
I was fucking intemperate that's why, cunt.
Exeunt all except MACDUFF
MACDUFF
Looks fucking suspicious to me. I'm fucking outta here.
[Exeunt]
ACT II, SCENE III. Without Macbeth's castle.
[Enter MACDUFF and ROSS]
MACDUFF
Fuck off to Fife, my son.
I wouldn't trust Macbeth as far as I could fucking spit.
ROSS
OK dad, I fucking hear you.
[Exeunt]
========================================
ACT III, SCENE I. The palace.
[Enter BANQUO, MACBETH, LADY MACBETH and GUESTS]
BANQUO
Thou fucking hast the works now, squire;
Glamis, Cawdor and now you're the fucking king.
[Exit BANQUO]
MACBETH
Let's fucking celebrate.
Pour some fucking wine, let's all get fucking pissed.
[Enter TWO MURDERERS]
MACBETH
Know ye that fucking BANQUO is thy fucking enemy.
Top him and I'll see you all right.
And kill all his fucking family too. Especially that Fleance.
He's his fucking heir and I fucking hate him.
BOTH MURDERERS
We are fucking resolv'd, your lordship.
[Exeunt]
ACT III, SCENE II. The palace.
[Enter LADY MACBETH and MACBETH]
LADY MACBETH
What's your problem, fatface? You look fucking dreadful.
MACBETH
I'm feeling sick to my fucking stomach.
Duncan was a nice old geezer and I fucking chopped him.
LADY MACBETH
Cunt.
[Exeunt]
ACT III, Scene III. A room of state. Banquet prepared.
[Enter MACBETH, LADY MACBETH, ROSS, LENNOX and ATTENDANTS]
MACBETH
Sit down, you fuckers.
[Enter TWO MURDERERS]
FIRST MURDERER
We've got good news and we've got fucking bad news.
Banquo's fucking dead.
SECOND MURDERER
That's the good fucking news.
FIRST MURDERER
But his boy Fleance is fucking scarpered.
SECOND MURDERER
And that's the fucking bad news, my fucking liege.
MACBETH
Fuck me.
[Exeunt TWO MURDERERS]
LADY MACBETH
My husband, pull your fucking self together. Drink up!
[Enter the GHOST of BANQUO]
MACBETH
Right. That's fucking it, who's playing fucking jokes on me?
LORDS
Say what?
LADY MACBETH
Take no notice of him. His fucking piles are playing up.
[Exit GHOST]
MACBETH
Must have been a fucking mirage. Pass me the fucking wine.
[GHOST returns]
MACBETH
There it is again. Are the rest of you cunts blind?
It's a fucking bloody spectre, gory locks, the fucking works!
[GHOST vanishes]
LADY MACBETH
That's it. The party's fucked. Everyone out.
Stand not on the fucking order of your going. Fuck off forthwith.
[Exeunt Omnes]
========================================
ACT IV, SCENE I. A cavern.
[Enter THREE WITCHES]
WITCHES
Hubble bubble, toil and fucking trouble
Cauldron boil and fucking bubble.
[Enter MACBETH]
MACBETH
Clarify the fucking future, forsooth.
You secret, black and midnight fucking slags.
FIRST WITCH
Watch this, shithead.
[A show of eight KINGS, the last with a glass in his hand, BANQUO's ghost following and MALCOLM]
MACBETH
You mean that little cunt Malcolm will be the next fucking king?
Instead of the seed of my own fucking loins?
This is seriously fucking bad news.
SECOND WITCH
But no one born of woman can slay you, you lucky cunt.
THIRD WITCH
And no one can fucking you defeat you in battle
Until the fucking trees walk around like a load of farts.
MACBETH
That's more fucking like it.
[Exeunt]
ACT IV, SCENE II. Macduff's castle.
[Enter LADY MACDUFF and her SONS and ROSS]
LADY MACDUFF
So he's fled, the gutless git. And left us here.
ROSS
Macduff's not fucking thick, he knows what's fucking what.
[Exit ROSS]
SON
Oi, where's Dad, Mum?
LADY MACDUFF
Shut the fuck up.
[Enter TWO MURDERERS]
FIRST MURDERER
Where's Macduff, you old tart?
LADY MACDUFF
Fuck you.
[They stab SON, chase LADY MACDUFF with cries of "Murder!" etc.]
ACT IV, SCENE III. Before the king's palace.
[Enter MACDUFF and MALCOLM]
MALCOLM
It's a bit hot, mate, let's seek out some fucking shade.
MACDUFF
This is a right fucking mess. We are totally up shit creek.
[Enter ROSS]
ROSS
Bad news, mate. Your wife and kids are all fucking dead.
That cunt Macbeth put a contract on the fuckers.
And you won't be seeing them any more.
MACDUFF
All of them? The whole fucking lot? Sweet fucking dam and all?
Fuck me. I'll do him for that.
[Exeunt]
========================================
ACT V, SCENE I. A room in the castle of Dunsinane. Night.
[Enter a DOCTOR and a GENTLEWOMAN]
DOCTOR
Are you fucking sure it was her?
GENTLEWOMAN
You think I'm fucking blind, you stupid old cunt?
It was fucking Lady Macbeth, the fucking queen.
And she was wandering about, babbling like fucking crazy.
She hath a fucking guilty look about her, methinks.
[Enter LADY MACBETH with a candle. She rubs her hands.]
LADY MACBETH
Out! Out! Vile fucking spot!
Will these hands n'er be fucking clean?
What's done can't be fucking undone.
Here's a right fucking how-de-do.
DOCTOR
Fuck me. So it fucking is.
[Exeunt]
ACT V, SCENE II. The countryside near Dunsinane.
[Enter SOLDIERS]
FIRST SOLDIER
The English army's on its way led by Malcolm!
SOLDIERS
Fuck me!
[Exeunt]
ACT V, SCENE III. A room in Dunsinane castle.
[Enter MACBETH, DOCTOR and attendants]
MACBETH
I couldn't care a fuck what you've seen the fucking queen doing.
Give her a fucking sedative or something.
I'm fucking OK until Birnam fucking wood starts moving
And that's not fucking very likely, is it?
And I'm fucking invincible too; no one born yet can get me.
[Exeunt all except DOCTOR]
DOCTOR
I'm fucking out of here.
[Exit Doctor]
ACT V, SCENE IV. Countryside near Dunsinane. A wood.
[Drum and colours. Enter MALCOLM, MACDUFF, LENNOX, ROSS and an ARMY]
MALCOLM
What's that fucking forest over there?
A SOLDIER
Birnham wood, squire.
MALCOLM
Let every fucking soldier cover himself in boughs from the wood.
That should cause a bit of a fucking stir. Fucking poetic too.
[Exeunt]
ACT V, SCENE V. A room in the castle.
[Enter MACBETH and SOLDIERS]
[A cry of women within]
MACBETH
What's all that fucking wailing?
[Enter SEYTON]
SEYTON
The fucking queen's hath fucking topped herself, sire!
[Exit SEYTON]
MACBETH
She should have died fucking hereafter.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
Creeps in this petty pace all the fucking time.
[Enter MESSENGER]
MESSENGER
Birnham wood's coming down the main fucking road.
As bold as fucking brass. It's fucking weird.
MACBETH
Fuck me. This is not good fucking news.
[Exeunt]
ACT V, SCENE VI. A plain before the castle.
[Enter MACDUFF, MALCOLM and an ARMY]
MALCOLM
OK guys, drop your fucking twigs and branches!
[Exit MALCOLM]
MACDUFF
Blow the fucking trumpets!
[Alarums and excursions. Enter MACBETH]
MACBETH
I'm not fucking scared of you, you cunt.
No one born of woman can fucking harm me!
MACDUFF
Then that doesn't apply to me, you fuck. Hear this!
I was untimely ripped from my fucking Mum's womb!
MACBETH
I don't fucking get it, run that past me again, cunt.
Don't be fucking obscure with me.
MACDUFF
I was delivered by fucking Caesarian section,
Thus not technically fucking born at all.
MACBETH
That's me down the toilet then.
[Exeunt, fighting]
ACT V, SCENE VII. Another part of the plain.
[Enter MALCOLM, ROSS, THANES and SOLDIERS]
MALCOLM
Woe is fucking me, my son's been killed.
ROSS
Never mind, here comes fucking Macduff.
[Enter MACDUFF with MACBETH's head]
MACDUFF
Cheer up! The fucker's dead! So, all hail great fucking king!
MALCOLM
Great fucking news! Thus I create you a fucking duke
And say I loudly fucking carry on MacDuff!
And I invite you all to a fucking good party
At my newly fucking inherited pad, Scone Castle,
Which is worth a fucking fortune, for-fucking-sooth.
[Exeunt MALCOLM, MACDUFF, ROSS and THANES]
FIRST SOLDIER
Who was that cunt?
SECOND SOLDIER
Don't you call me a cunt, you cunt.
[Flourish]
[Exeunt omnes]
Poetry by Edna Sweetlove
Read 1286 times
Written on 2006-11-23 at 03:50
Tags Humour Drama Murder
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Edna Sweetlove |
