F.i.in.e Moods

I swear, sometimes

I get around to feeling

like I could be splashing

my life out, drowning

right in front of your eyes,

and you wouldn't notice...

Things are actually going well,

But not completely these days.

On and off for the last 

Twenty-eight years, and

More than twelve years

Living in total isolation

Is how it's been for me,

And to now find myself

Around people daily,

Outside of my home, too,

Well, it's putting me

In a weird state of terrible

Self-consciousness about

Interacting with others.

I can't write anything worthwhile,

I can't leave comments to others,

I can't talk to anyone.

Not that I don't want to,

Just that I'm in a state

Of constant panic

About doing any of it.

I'm feeling very stuck,

And having a hard time

Getting myself out of it.

Feeling so alone, always,

And can't seem to be able

To make this part better

For myself at the moment.

- written in spoken québécois French... evidently not literary French, so translation tools will no doubt massacre this one... got to admit, I get a serious kick checking the translations...

j'sais tellement p'us

quoi dire, ça fait dur.

j'y pense, j'y pense,

mais y'a rien à faire,

y'a rien.

i so don't know

what to say anymore, it's ridiculous.

i think about it, i think on it,

but there's nothing to be done,

there's nothing.

j'te dis, c'est vide.

j'ai beau chercher,

ça m'vient juste pas.

desfois j'pense

qu'c'est perdu

i'm telling you, it's empty.

no matter how much i look,

it's just not coming to me.

sometimes i think

that it's gone

et qu'ça reviendra

p'us, jamais.

j'peux pas dire qu'ça

m'fait sentir super,

mais j'arrive pas

and that it'll never

come back, ever.

i can't say that

makes me feel great,

but i'm not managing

à passer par-d'ssus,

quand même.

j'me sens pris,

p'is les mots jouent

à ' cachette.

to step over it,

anyway.

i feel stuck,

and words are playing

hide and seek.

un osti d'beau mélange, ouin.

it's quite the beautiful mix, yeah.

You can convince yourself

It'll be something you'll ever

Get the hang of, even though

Deep down inside, you know

Too damn well you were

Never meant for any of it...

ils deviennent si bouche-bées

peut-être même bouleversés

qu'à présent ils se cachent de tout

soudainement et sans explications

comme si je ne m'en rendrais

pas compte, comme si cela

ne m'affecterait pas, comme si...

- the likelihood that this situation made this person feel bad really made me feel bad...

Of course, losing the passcode

Was bound to happen, and it did.

So many passes to remember!

Everything needs one nowadays!

So, had to contact the locker

Company to obtain a master pass.

Phone calls, emails, print PDF,

Fill it in, sign, scan, and send back.

After 45 minutes of this process,

Finally get the master to unlock

My locker where my wallet was,

And go off for my lunch break.

But, during one of the calls,

My social grace came shining!

I was seeking to speak to the

Woman who'd sent me the emails.

The person who answered

Didn't name themselves,

And asked who I'm contacting,

To which I embarrassingly replied:

"Well, I'd like to speak to Julie, and

You definitely don't sound like a Julie."

They really didn't, but they said:

"Yes, this is she."

Oh no, that was so awful...

Sincerely hope I didn't hurt her.

- never been in their heart, obviously... 

It was so easy for you

To abandon me for

Such spurious reasons

Which you know have

Nothing to do with

The truth of who I am

That you couldn't

Face the truth of you

Isn't my fault at all

That your shame

Choked you clean

Wasn't my doing

Yet you abandoned me,

The girl you called daughter

Another one who couldn't

Love me more than their

"Demons", another one who's

Never had me in their heart

That's you

Whenever you're at your neediest,

No one will ever be around then.

- being around and on those streets after more than 20 years... being around people a lot and hearing their stories about their lives, families, memories... at work, being assigned a doctor who used to be mine many years ago... a few examples making a lot of things pop in...

For the last six weeks,

There have been so many

Things pop up as reminders

Of a life of a distant past,

As if to drill in the contrast

Of what it used to be

And where it is at now.

There are the more immediate

Differences too that pop in,

And all of it is going around

My mind in a mini whirlpool,

Drawing up a lot of emotions

That I wasn't expecting at all.

I'm ok, but it's a lot to process.

I really need to stop writing about you...

Every year since, it's always back in

Some way, and although it's 26 years now,

My finding myself back in our old haunts

Makes it all the more difficult this year.

I've moved on so far that being there

Really hits me like a ton of bricks.

Every corner I look at, I see us there,

And I remember our long talks,

Our lives and what it was all about then.

Man, I wish you were still here...