F.i.in.e Moods

Evidently terrible at first impressions,

Or so close friends later revealed to me

About the first time we came to meet.

Apparently, I'm not too easy to read at first

When you don't know anything about me.

More than likely a protection mechanism

To manage my social phobias, anxieties

That gives off a heightened reserved way

About me; being around people terrifies me.

People getting close to me, and

Starting to find out about me or my life,

Really puts me in a seizing panic mode.

So I guess I do my best to shut myself

Down, not reveal too much on my face,

While the fight or flight storm rages inside.                (Not my true desire, I love people)

Apparently, despite its intensity,

No one can tell it's happening;

I keep that one in check very tightly.                      (No one needs to feel uncomfortable)

But in time, those feelings do wane,

And I become much less guarded, stressed;

I'm told I have a very expressive face

And I'm very, very easy to read then.

Which prompts close friends to tell

Me about the vast difference between

The first times together

And where we're at today.

So evidently, first impressions

Isn't something I can do well.

But in time, when people get to

Know me, they do like me a lot.

I don't know,

I think I resent that,

'Cause it implies

A lot of effort had

To be made in order

To get this result.

Talking about this

Thing people say:

"You've achieved

Breaking the cycle

Of familial violence".

Achieve?  It's not that,

'Cause there was

No effort involved.

None whatsoever.

An achievement?

I don't know, doesn't

Sound quite right.

You have to work at it

To achieve something.

- a 'special' kind of woman manager... 

The manager was giving her a disapproving look

As if she didn't have her priorities too straight,

When all she'd simply asked was to have a few

Hours off so that she could be there for her baby,

Who would be having tubes inserted in his ears

At the hospital.  For some reason, the woman

Deemed it appropriate to counsel her as to how

Very minor the procedure was, saying her child

Would be fine.  Then proceeded to tell her that an

Employee needs to be reasonable in weighing the

Reasons for an absence, and if it's really necessary.

And for some bizarre reason, as if it would support

Her argument, she relayed a story about her own

Child, and how even though he was seriously ill,

She didn't miss work for that - as if that was good.

At that point, a confirmed ass was all she could see,

And no way she'd not be with her baby, so she left.

- maybe it's because I'm ambidextrous, but still seems to me to be unnecessary... 

But why?  It works fine

Using the middle finger

To click around and

Using the index finger

For drop-down menus

Switching the buttons

Around 'cause you're

Using the other hand

Seems quite unnecessary

As it's not awkward at all

To me, feels as some

Right-handed thinking here

Imagining their use of the

Mouse on the 'wrong side'

Surely it's not a leftie's view

just so we're clear on this

of course i know that none

of it is by any means poetry

never been presented as such

i'm not a poet nor a writer

have never had the ambition

like it a lot, but it's as far as it

goes, talent cannot be forced

you have it or you don't

still, i like to put words

together, talented or not

i think it doesn't matter

my goal isn't to impress

or to emulate the greats

it's just something i do

to let my thoughts out

some of the personal

or the general

or the imagined

or the random ones

i also do 'cause of my

own circumstances

it's nice to have eyes

around in some form

so yes, i know

it's not poetry

but is it less

important for it?

- lack of self-confidence can alter your decision-making abilities...

You're exactly right

When you point out

That I'll see the good

In people before any

Bad sides about them.

That's exactly what

Happened between us.

I stuck around longer

Than I should've to see

Your good sides instead

Of trusting my initial

Intuitions about you.

Wonder if you realize it:

Your gripe highlights

Precisely why you and I 

Should've never been.

This 'flaw' did me no

Favors, that's for sure,

You're absolutely right for

This instance, I concede.

- going to sleep is an anxious, terrifying prospect in those times... 

It must be the ever

Increasing stress of late...

Flashbacks resurface

'Cause I'm too out

Of energy to keep

Them out of the way.

And of course,

Forget about sleep...

They invade and hog

The space where dreams

Should be happening;

Instead I feel it all again.

Stuck there, can't get out,

As if it was now... 

Violated

Beaten

Bleeding

Dying

Ad infinitum feels like.

So completely worn out...

It'd be nice of you

To stop contradicting

Yourself as concerns

Your feelings for him.

One minute you say

You cherish your times,

But in the same breath

You leave him hanging,

Over and over again,

As if he wouldn't notice.

It'd be nice of you to stop

Taking him for an idiot.

- puzzled by the I'm-offended-fest that nowadays seem to be the way of many... 

It's incomprehensible. 

You're offended for

Someone who doesn't

Feel offended at all.

How does that work?

You're up in arms,

Beating your drum,

Defending someone

Who doesn't feel any

Need to be defended.

Don't you see it's weird?

There's no victim here.

All of this is about you,

Nothing to do with what

The 'offended' party is

Actually going through.

Did you not hear them say

They're not feeling offended?

If anything, I'd say your not

Listening is cause for offense!

It's not wrong to feel offended

For someone, but if that person

Isn't feeling offended, what does

Your feeling offended matter?

It's just your private perception on

A situation that didn't even happen

To you in the first place, so why

Are you being so loud about it?

- a suggestion you'll keep to yourself, of course... 

My, what a big stick

That's stuck up there.

Y'might want to have

That seen to, m'dear.