F.i.in.e Moods

- my second baby is now a young man... taking his first steps in the direction he wants to take his life... a lot of exciting things going on for him, and I'm over the moon happy for him... 

Whenever I see this picture,

my heart melts as much as

on the day you paddled over

to the side of the pool for this

impromptu kiss of sweetness.

My, how time has gone quickly!

But here were are, you're a fine

young man, and you're on your

way in the direction you wish

to take your life - it's begun.

A place of your own, a job to

take care of all these "adult"

things all must at one time or

another begin to manage, and

a promising career in waiting.

Basic training about to begin

finally after all these months of

waiting during this virus crisis.

When you called me to tell me the

great news, been giddy ever since.

You sound so happy, and so

ready to take it all on.  Your

enthusiasm and excitement

very palpable, making me

feel ecstactic for all this good.

You've had to fight so hard

to get to where you've arrived.

But I always knew that you

could - just by your caring

nature about what's important.

Pushing through anything,

you have proven time and again

to yourself that you are capable

of achieving what you want. The

pool one a perfect first example.

I remember how everything

was so much hardship, how

discouraged and frustrated

you would feel about it all.

But with time, all the efforts

which you had to put in, started to

yield a small place for victories.

And as time went on, they became

more and more frequent, until these

efforts weren't needed anymore.

It's without any doubt in my mind

that I know you'll carry on this way.

My sweet, caring son, with a darling

heart, I'm so very happy for you. How

I adore you, you know I always will.

Although you're a young man now, and

those little cheeks aren't as prevalent

as they most adorably once were,

you'll nonetheless always remain

« Ma belle p'tite face »  (wink)

Silence, deafeningly echoes

Disturbing all peace

While the crickets' chirps join in

- Collaborations used to be fairly frequent on PoetBay some years ago now... and I've been missing them.  So, I asked Thomas if he had a line he liked, but could never lead anywhere.  He sent me this one line: "the million calamitous jewels of a wrecked windshield", and this is where it led us. Thanks Thomas, this was an awful lot of fun!

Like an effect
of a million calamitous
jewel-like bits of a shattered
windshield strewn
about on a hot pavement
in a strong sun,
the glimmering specks of
light on the snowflakes’ tips
illuminated the clearing all around.

*

This snowscape is hard,
glassy with unyielding light:
sequined with specks of blue,
bristly with spikes of ice.
What language
can describe the scene?
Something runic and northern,
an alphabet of thorns
encased in frost.

*

And as the cold creeps in,

never the subtle visitor,

the Northern heart knows 

too well its language,

but ever forsaking it, 

is simply unforeseeable,

'cause where else would

we be able to behold such

complex beauty?

- for my douce moitié... 

//   About a life without compared to the opposite

if ($you == 0  OR  $you_and_me  !=  1) {

      $result = trim($life_makes_sense);
      $furthermore = $i_fall_apart;

} else {

      $best_world = TRUE;
      $luckiest_girl_on_planet = TRUE;

}

'Equal' (==)

Not equal (!=)

- can't concentrate to write much lately (or comment - sorry about that to all who have left me comments recently; I'll be by your page soon!), so decided to start a clean up in my account to see what's in there... I have hundreds of unpublished and never published texts in my archive... it's getting a little ridiculous... this one is also a never published draft that I found in there... not really sure why I like it, but I do... strike any particular thoughts for you?

Maybe time'll finally commandeer

All that you keep and hold so dear

It’s the constant, never ending saga

Which’ll no doubt leave us all gaga 

Sensations beyond understanding

Maybe now's the time for a lashing

Perhaps I'll also scratch a letter

And manage to prompt a wonder

Who knows for sure at this point

I expect answers would disappoint

Maybe you don't strut your stuff

And by then I'll have had enough

Furthermore, I'll kill you softly

Like one of those songs so weepy

Allow me, dear, my nevertheless

And see it, I'll always feel blessed

- thoughts of the day 'cause I went out... and it happened again... bien sûr... 

The thing is this :  I love people a lot.

But there're these things I deal with:

I'm horribly shy, and very anxious,

Unconfident about being around others.

I actually feel a lot of fear mostly.

These problems of mine, around so long,

Have acquired a little list of titles:

Traumas, social phobias, panic disorder, GAD,

And agoraphobia (aside depression et al.).

My progress isn't fully completed yet.

Those previous lines are only to place

The context of what comes next...

When I have to step outside, it's a

Long process of mental preparation,

Usually starting the day before going out.

I'm getting much better at it (less tears,

Less failures), and it's very encouraging,

But there's another part which adds

To my already stressed state of going.

It's that when I do, this inevitably happens:

Perfect strangers take to talking to me,

At the bus stop, for example, it never fails.

For some reason, people just start

Telling me all kinds, but most of the time,

Very personal stuff.  I don't know why...

I'm not making a complaint about it.

It's just that it seems like I attract this

When inside I'm in a state of utter panic,

And I try my very best to not let it show

So as to not make the moment awkward.

It requires so much concentration

To keep my anxiety and my fears in check,

And just get on and do 'normal' daily stuff.

Why all of these strangers start opening up

To me out of the blue like that baffles me.

These people don't know me at all.

I don't know them at all either.

All ages, men and women, when we're

Standing there waiting, they'll turn to

Me, and start confiding in me after hellos.

As if I didn't already find it hard enough

To go out, this closeness by strangers is a

Bit much.  My douce moitié says it's 'cause

I have a kind smile, and kind eyes, and

Not many people cross that in their day.

I don't know, it's most unusual, I think.

As I said, I don't mind 'cause I care

About people very much.  But still,

What a strange thing to go through.

Why I get attention when I'd feel more

At ease not being seen is something that

Strikes me as very funny.  Even though

It's a hell of a ride for my nerves when

I have to ignore all of my alarms inside,

And try to remain as attentive as possible,

I can seriously laugh about this one.

Maybe not during, but definitely later.

« J'suis pas raciste, mais...»  ("I'm not a racist, but...") ... never starts a conversation on the right foot... there are young tenants in my building, and this summer, they took to camping out on chairs right in front of my patio for their little get-togethers... these thoughts are in reference to one of their conversations I very unfortunately had to overhear as they were sitting in front of my face... the new neighbor in question is truly pleasant, so nothing of their gripes added up to me... 

Misplaced righteousness, as a disguise for racism,

Doesn't it take your breath away?  It does mine.

You know when you're thrust into overhearing

Some shocking arguments, and you can't for the

Life of you comprehend them, 'cause reason's

Clearly become a mere concept at this point... ?

And, then, you listen further - only 'cause

You're stuck in the same space as them - and the

Basis for their complaints is so questionable:

You know without a single doubt that if a

Quebecker approached them in the manner

They're getting so hot about, they wouldn't have

For a second any trouble with it.  But this large,

Vibrantly joyous, and friendly new neighbor, with a

Dark skin as dark can be, an accent from a sunny

Island from another land, is rubbing them the

Wrong way?  His manner is rude and impolite,

They scoff, insulted.  And a brewing intensity carried

On for quite a while. And with each passing minute, I'm

Thinking to myself:  Really?  Do they hear themselves? 

How utterly mind-boggling to be able to so easily distort

Reality, and lull their senses into missing the obvious source

For this less than appealing discourse they're engaged in…

In all reality, I couldn't begin

To pinpoint what made it

Happen, or when.  It seems

Like the result materialized

On its own, and I've only

Recently caught up with it.

What was once impossible

To even imagine, is here.

It's now.  I've made it out

Of the abyss where I was

Chucked in too early.  I even

Conquered the insidious lures.

I was killed; I bled; by others'

Hands, and my very own, too.

I poisoned myself for years,

Day in and day out - the goal

Was to make it stop, somehow.

My destruction only soared...

And one day, I realized it was over. 

But don't ask how it came to be.

I really don't know, as I'm trying to

Process every bit.  And as I move

Further away from all I knew about

Existing, feel I'm finding my footing.