F.i.in.e Moods

- a follow up to my text "The Awakening" (2004), years on...

Certain experiences are difficult

To explain, or put words to,

Even if they are big; and impossible

To never think about once done.

This particular one is about the night

When my friend beat me to death.

For whatever reason, whatever trigger,

He completely lost his head; killed me.

Evidently, expert hands brought me back,

But for a while, I didn't exist anymore.

Those who know about this have all asked:

"What was it like?" and "Remember anything?"

The truth is I can't tell stories of bright lights,

Tunnels, or loved-ones greeting me, or

An overwhelming sensation of anything.

No claim of answers; it's only my experience.

It went more along the lines of a switching

To blackness, and then absolutely nothing.

Distant commotion, perhaps a bird's eye view

That might have lasted briefly, then gone.

My memory has stored snippets of frames,

But the emotional ride is as clear as day;

Its lasting effects come along for the long haul,

And I think that I'll never be the same again.

Some have said to me that I was lucky...

However, it's not something I ever came to feel.

For a long time, I was angry to have been rescued,

'Cause life was all and only reliving it over and over.

It took over twenty years for that to stop.

Today, the nightmare isn't felt the same way:

No more flashbacks to feel every blow and cut,

Or feel the terror, or my life seeping out of me...

Would I now change my view that I was lucky?

I don't think so, 'cause it doesn't make sense.

Am I now happy to have survived that night?

Although life is very complicated by it still, 

The intense torment's no longer my companion,

And life was able to move on to much better.

So, yes, in certain measures, I can today say

It's good to have escaped the final end.

Especially this one. 

He didn't win.

- wish I could be part of voting the grmbl out of there...

Dear South of the Border neighbors,

In usual times, you'll find that this

Isn't a subject which occupies my time.

However, ...

In the last few years, I must say:

What the bloody hell is going on?

And your majority feels the same.

So please, whatever it takes,

Through all the obstacles thrown

Your way this upcoming election

(And there are many!),

You must get the impostor out of there!

Not only for your country's sake,

But at this point, it's for the world's!

These damages need to come to an end...

We're all rooting for you,

And standing by your side...

Tenez bon !

- ce serait gaspiller de ne pas l'utiliser... elle est trop belle...

J'ai ta ligne en tête

Et sa vie virevolte

Sans jamais vouloir décoller

Mais j'veux tellement

rough translation...

Your line

- it would be a waste to not use it... it is too beautiful...

I have your line in mind

And its life whirls

Without ever wanting to launch off

But do I ever want

- Lilliput... the culprit... ;)  ... HD is hard drive... the desire to make a pair of slippers was ma douce moitié's that night...

Don't let that little face fool you!
This tiny thing, although all cute,
Is capable of making one's heart
Almost come to a complete stop.

With a stubborn investigative nature,
It prevents her from not exploring.
Meaning she goes places she shouldn't;
Like the other night, Madame, did so.

And where did she go?
And what did happen?
Well, settled on a very important HD,
She made it fly off and crash to the floor.

BEDING-BEDANG, BANG!
At 3 A.M. in the morning,
Are not good sounds to hear.
Seeing the cause: the heart part.

Very luckily, no damage was done.
(And she won't be made into slippers!)
We'll all still be able to carry on posting,
But for a minute, that little face up there

Nearly made it the sorriest end!

- written in 2004 (when I started posting online), at a time when I worked at a call centre and when I was returning back to work after a few months on medical leave from the job - I wasn't too ready to go back but I had to... These words are my feelings and experiences about going back, plus there was also a failed relationship with one of my supervisors (not recommended!), which made my going back all the more awkward and uncomfortable... just some ramblings about it in not great rhymes, and rhythm, actually... very much the 'style' of my writing then... 

Startled from my sleep in a panic
My fears take a hold of me in a lick
It's the dreaded seizing morning again

Difficultly, my composure, I try to regain

It's time to move I convince myself

My cozy blanket I don't want to leave
The calm warmth too short, I believe
But I get out of bed nonetheless
'Cause I can't afford to be penniless

In the shower to be a more presentable being
I get ready for yet another day of "living"
This is only the start of my neverending anxiety
As the minutes'll roll today, it'll grow in intensity

I dress then moisturize my dry skin

Now driving in the early traffic, music blaring
Massive huddle of dulled minds still sleeping
My stress I try to stifle by wailing out my lungs
Just singing along with my fav playlist's songs

The autoroute's exit to work I'm nearing
More energetic and louder I carry on singing
Oh I really don't want to arrive at destination

Dreadful hours without using imagination

I reason with myself it's a temporary necessary evil

My hell grows as soon as I step foot in the parking lot
A co-worker notices and greets me, my stomach's in knots
Pleasantly I respond, while mind wishes we were worlds away
Nervously I step inside, psyching myself I'll have a nice day

Magnetic employee card in hand I punch in
A few more smiles, here and there, my shift begins
Headset on, logged in, I wait for the heart-stopping tone
From the first to the last, my body can be likened to a stone

I anxiously watch the agonizingly slow minutes go by

The first call: a confused client not making any damned sense
And the more I explain, it's hopeless, he's just simply dense
The second's a client in a hurry completely impatient
As is policy, profuse apologies I empathically present

After five minutes of this, I lose my interest sorely
And the usual scorching heat keeps rising inside of me
Miserable, I look at the time again for more disappointment
It's only been fifteen minutes, I'm nowhere near enjoyment

I melt in my chair and miserably fail to change my mood

A finger taps on my shoulder, my heart skips a beat painfully
Without ill-intentions, a neighboring co-worker invades my privacy
"How long have you been gone? Are you fairing better now?"
On the spot, cornered, I don't want to say but can't lie somehow

My mind racing, panic strikes, I hurriedly offer a vague answer
Insecurity soaring, I secretly wish to deal instead with a caller
Saved, the tone in my ear rings once more, my escape from this
A very short-lived relief, the new client is absolutely pissed!

Exasperated, exhausted, I just want to be home

Celebration! One hour has gone by finally
But my emotions again play tricks on me
One minute they are oblivious to his arrival
The next, the outcome becomes once more brutal

Roller coaster of unstable feelings intense
His coldness towards me doesn't make any sense
It comes and goes in my mind without obvious warning
The finality of our closeness still finds a way to sting

So I adopt a nonchalant attitude but comfort won't find me


sigh

Only three more hours to go...

- unpublished draft...

perspective:  substance abuse... while silently fallen, after years of being clean... tug-of-war between conscience and carrying on with the problematic behavior...

If I hang around long enough,

I might confess about what I

Don't want anyone to know.

So,

shhh...

Don't ask me anything else

For tonight, 'til the new sun

Comes in tomorrow.

Maybe then.  But for now,

Please, shhh...

Nope.  Can't say

Knowing makes

It any easier

To live down

These sore voids.

As we get lost

In the vast vacant,

Inner emptiness then

Joins in the fray,

To add its flavor.

Like more nothing

Is truly needed.

But I guess,

It's my sensitivity.  Still,

Doesn't dampen the hurt...

So, no, I really can't say

Knowing makes

It any easier 'cause

Being this alone

Is hard to not feel.

- for poetic pilgrim, affectueusement... c'est un fait qui me fait rire...

You're the only person

On this entire planet

I allow to call me

By the first three letters

Of my first name.

No one else has

Ever succeeded.

;)