F.i.in.e Moods

j'aimerais tant pouvoir

t'amener dans de paisibles pensées,

dans des moments de joie, ou

d'amour, ou de beauté époustouflante,

avec des mots qui te feraient rêver

et t'enlaceraient le coeur tout tendrement.

ce que j'aimerais tant pouvoir...

rough translation...

At the Moment

I so wish that I could

bring you into peaceful thoughts,

into moments of joy, or

of love, or of breathtaking beauty,

with words that would make you dream

and would hold your heart only tenderly.

how I so wish that I could...

And here my head was finally ready

To tackle building a life outside of home

And now, seems like my body has other

Plans which look very much out of my hands

Would you say my frustration is misplaced?

Perhaps an immature response?

I don't know how else to pose the question

But does it ever end having to fight so hard?

I'm running out of energy

Struggling to hold on to

Why I should keep minding

The reasons are dwindling so fast

- have always had pains in my joints since childhood... but since 2017, things have dramatically changed to where I have moments of immobilisation and incapacity to move... it's due to the syndrome I was diagnosed with in 2021 (EDS, type hypermobility), which involves hyperlax joints, connective tissues with too much space to move around, causing a lot of problems... since 2019, these immobile moments have become more and more frequent and it's not looking like this situation will improve... so it's a lot to come to terms with... and a lot on my mind... Thank you to all who've left comments on my previous posts recently, I'll respond soon... things are a bit hard at the moment... xx

Daily, from one moment

To the next, it starts and

Stops (but mainly goes on),

With movement, without,

And comprises of many

Levels of intensity.

It pulsates acutely,

It near-permanently throbs,

It sharply shoots down or

Up the bones of my limbs.

Sometimes it's a rubbing,

A pulling,

A pinching,

A blocking.

More recently were added

Sprains or subluxations,

Irritation, inflammation of

Cartilage, ligaments, tendons,

Injuries at very little effort.

And often, it all happens

At the same

Time on both

Sides of my body.

It's most debilitating,

And so exhausting.

How I love it

The way you

Avoid / ignore

Me, or anything

To do with me,

Makes me feel

So very special.

- usually takes around 5 to 10 minutes before my joints are screaming to stop moving or sitting... very problematic...

Unable to walk for a long time

Unable to sit at length either

It's really complicating things

And discouraging me to no end

I do my best to remain positive

But there are no good sides to this

Improvements, if any, will be short

And nothing can be done about it

Well, true, it's pure speculation,

But I get the feeling I'm starting

To have the memory of a hamster.

Seems to me, it used to be much

Better, if not sharper, than it's

Seemingly wanting to go now.

It gets pretty ridiculous, really,

How I don't remember things

Or how I forget what I'm doing.

In an instant, poof, thought's gone,

What was I looking for again?

Or, where did I put my cards?

When did you say that?

Oh, I was supposed to do that today?

My favorite is mid-conversation

Blips when words play hide and seek,

Or when the train of thought is snuffed,

For absolutely no reason at all,

And you're in a total blank en direct.

Always awkward when that happens.

So, yeah, I guess it's one of those things, 

But the feeling I'm starting to have the

Memory of a hamster seems certainly fitting.

- with permission, and inspired by a memory Alan J Ripley shared with me about his grand-son which I found was too precious... my attempt to render the moment that I can so easily visualize... oh, and the waiter was arguing it had to be 3 scoops, instead of 2... so yeah, a total and utter wanker, as the Brits would say ;) 

They were having a miserable time

At a chic restaurant where the

Meals were meant to be top of the line

Haute cuisine, but it was all horrendous.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the waiter

Was a bit stuck up about the menu and

Didn't believe patrons could make requests

As to what they prefer or want in their plate...

All the way down to how many scoops

Of ice cream there can be in the dessert!

It was so far from impressive, they knew

This would be the first and last time here.

However, at the end of this unpleasant

Experience, upon finishing their desserts,

Their little grand-child told the waiter to

Tell the chef that his scoops of ice cream

Were "the best meal he'd cooked today",

In his way to pass on his compliments.

The little child couldn't have known

How much that would make their day,

Oh, but did it ever.

- warped reasoning:  self-protection for self-destruction...  

Another reason I didn't tell you was

To protect my willful avoidance.

Had I told you, you'd naturally have

Wanted to advise me and make 

Me see the problem I didn't want

To confront at all at the time.

Had you known, then I'd have had

To consciously ignore you and

You definitely never deserved

To be treated so inconsiderately.

I found all justifications to never

Let you know right out what was

Going on 'cause I couldn't face your

Disappointment or alarm... again.

I was on a path of self-destruction.

I didn't want anyone to stop me,

And knew, you'd have insisted on it.

- my eldest son at 2 years old... I laugh about it now, of course, but when that morning came my way, can't say the laughs were finding their way to me yet lol  the joys of parenthood? ;)

« Maman !  Maman !  Savon, partout, partout ! » is something along the lines of "Mom, there's soap everywhere", but said in a two-year old's fashion... 

It was one of those mornings

When time was a bit short

And departure had to happen

More than sooner than later.

I was a single mom of a very

Inquisitive, resourceful two-year-old, 

Who always kept me on my toes, so to

Speak, always getting into things.

But in the rush of that morning, I was

Taking five quick minutes getting ready in

The bathroom, door open to keep an ear

On my son.  We were fine for a few minutes.

About three minutes in, my son came

Trotting up the hallway to where I was,

Repeating:  "Maman !  Maman ! 

Savon, partout, partout !", a bit alarmed.

On hearing this, I didn't readily

Understand what he meant,

But a sinking feeling did form

As I walked the hallway to go see.

My son trotted behind me, then

Passed me, as I approached the kitchen.

First I saw all sorts of soaps piled, mixed,

And spread on the living room carpet.

That was my sight on the left,

As I was turning right to the kitchen

Where my trotting son was leading me.

As we entered, we went sliding across.

He on his side, on the ground,

And me almost following but still

Standing, though my feet clearly

Aquaplaning, not gripped to the surface.

Turned out my little darling

Had found our big container (4L+)

Of vegetable oil, and poured

It all out on the kitchen floor.

My ride was arriving in two minutes,

And I had a grand mess on my hands.

My son covered in oil, all the way to

His hair, and my work shoes imbibed.

Not counting the thick lake on the floor.

I think I felt a little surge of tears

'Cause I really didn't know how I'd

Make it on time to work that morning.

Aw, his little face, I couldn't get mad.

He was just being curious and I should

Have been more vigilant is the truth of it.

But being a single mom can be a bit tricky:

Can't be everywhere all at once,

And toddlers are stealth masters

When they know they're doing

Something they shouldn't be doing.

I swear, no unusual noises,

Heard absolutely nothing.

The carnage, though, was most

Impressive, in so short a time!

- my youngest son at 15 months upon seeing for the first time...

We were standing in line

At the pharmacy, my little

One in my arms while we

Waited.  All of a sudden,

My son's face and eyes all

Illuminated with the happiest

Surprise of his life, it looked,

Excitedly nodded and said,

With so much awe, it glowed:

"Chocolat, Maman ?

Chocolat ?", as soon as he

Noticed the cashier who had

The darkest black skin - and

She of course heard him.

I, shocked, wanted to melt

Into the floor right there,

'Cause it's not the reaction I

Could have even imagined,

But I could see the woman's

Shoulders going up and

Down from the giggles she

Was trying to keep discreet.