- thoughts of the day 'cause I went out... and it happened again... bien sûr... 

The thing is this :  I love people a lot.

But there're these things I deal with:

I'm horribly shy, and very anxious,

Unconfident about being around others.

I actually feel a lot of fear mostly.

These problems of mine, around so long,

Have acquired a little list of titles:

Traumas, social phobias, panic disorder, GAD,

And agoraphobia (aside depression et al.).

My progress isn't fully completed yet.

Those previous lines are only to place

The context of what comes next...

When I have to step outside, it's a

Long process of mental preparation,

Usually starting the day before going out.

I'm getting much better at it (less tears,

Less failures), and it's very encouraging,

But there's another part which adds

To my already stressed state of going.

It's that when I do, this inevitably happens:

Perfect strangers take to talking to me,

At the bus stop, for example, it never fails.

For some reason, people just start

Telling me all kinds, but most of the time,

Very personal stuff.  I don't know why...

I'm not making a complaint about it.

It's just that it seems like I attract this

When inside I'm in a state of utter panic,

And I try my very best to not let it show

So as to not make the moment awkward.

It requires so much concentration

To keep my anxiety and my fears in check,

And just get on and do 'normal' daily stuff.

Why all of these strangers start opening up

To me out of the blue like that baffles me.

These people don't know me at all.

I don't know them at all either.

All ages, men and women, when we're

Standing there waiting, they'll turn to

Me, and start confiding in me after hellos.

As if I didn't already find it hard enough

To go out, this closeness by strangers is a

Bit much.  My douce moitié says it's 'cause

I have a kind smile, and kind eyes, and

Not many people cross that in their day.

I don't know, it's most unusual, I think.

As I said, I don't mind 'cause I care

About people very much.  But still,

What a strange thing to go through.

Why I get attention when I'd feel more

At ease not being seen is something that

Strikes me as very funny.  Even though

It's a hell of a ride for my nerves when

I have to ignore all of my alarms inside,

And try to remain as attentive as possible,

I can seriously laugh about this one.

Maybe not during, but definitely later.