Advice

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I have it tattooed on my skin, the word irrational, that is!

Irrational

Written 2016-03-28

She called to say goodbye when she left for the Eastern Cape in December last year. I was shocked. I did not know what to say to her. I should have seen it coming. I mean, she stays far from home and it was a great time to visit her family. I was out in Glenfair when she called and I felt cheated. Because I thought she meant that she was getting into the bus at that moment. Anyway, she was still at the office when I got back and we sat and talked for the longest time. I do not recall what we talked about but it was surreal. Like a dream. I did not want to let her go. I could not let her go. Of course, I did not tell her all these things because we were friends.

Perhaps that is why when we got back after the festivities I could not wait to tell her how much I love her. I had missed her. Her voice. I wanted to claim her for myself. I wanted the assurance that whenever she goes away she will always come back to me. I needed the assurance that whenever she goes away she will always come back to me. I needed her to know that my heart belonged to her. I needed to know that her heart belonged to me.

After less than two months of- I do not know, seeing each other, I, we, I ended it! I could not be convinced that her heart belonged to me. More disturbing, I did not believe I could make her happy. I did not believe I could treat her with love and cherish her. I thought a lot about walking away from it all: my work, my friends and particularly her. Out of sight, out of mind- that sort of thing. Out of mind! I just found out that she is visiting her family and it hurts. It hurts that I did not get to say goodbye. It hurts that my heart still belongs to her.

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