words about a first love.


Blue

Sometimes when I'm just sitting at home, alone, I start to think. Not just any kind of thinking, but thinking about you.
Thinking about my childhood and the bliss you brought me back then. From the day I met you I loved you. It was such a young love. Puppy love. Playground love. But I loved you, I do know that much.
You had that incredible red hair that stuck out at odd angles, like you just ran through it with your fingers instead of actually using a real brush to get the job done right. But I loved it. My favorite part about you.
And beneath that hair were your eyes. I don't remember the color of your eyes. I don't remember the color of anyone's eyes actually. I have no idea what color my parents' are, or my siblings', or my best friends'. But I can see your eyes. Their shape, I mean. They were almond eyes I suppose. Squinty, but not bad squinty or anything. But squinty nonetheless. Like the kind of eyes you get when you can't stop smiling? Those. I remember I could just look into your eyes and feel this fire in my heart and this tingling all over.
You had this smile brighter than the sun shining on one hundred mirrors. It's funny, thinking about it. I haven't seen you in years and I can still see your pink lips stretching out over your teeth, lined up, glistening. Laughing.
Some of my best memories of all my life go hand in hand with that laugh of yours. It's such an airy laugh, like you just ate a bowl full of clouds or something. Really, that's such an awful thing to say: you ate a bowl full of clouds? But to me, that's what your laugh was. And I loved that too.
I don't know what to write about you that would show people how perfect you were. How hilarious you were. How incredible you were. I can't find the words to describe how I felt when I looked in your eyes and you held me in your arms.
You were my first love. But I never told you that. You told me I was yours, but you scared me so much. You scared me because I knew that by saying that, you had cursed it to end. So I ended it instead. That's how I felt about you. That I would end the best thing that had ever happened to me (and to this day, you still are) just for a chance to stay friends in the long run.
I grew up too fast. There was this infinite sadness in our relationship that made me know, even at that young age, that it would end and I would leave it a changed person. A stronger, but broken person.
Your name makes me nauseous to say, to think, to admit. You were the one thing in this life I've ever done right, and the one thing I'll never forget.




Words by kgirard
Read 482 times
Written on 2008-11-25 at 03:54

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