IB M

je ne sais pas pourquoi tu m'aimes autant,

mais merci pour tout ce que tu fais...

tu es resté à mes côtés au travers de tant

et tu m'as apporté tant de soutien, tant d'amour...

au fil des ans, tu es devenu une voix importante

dans ma vie, tu m'as toujours bien conseillé...

je ne serais pas où je suis rendue si je ne t'avais

pas eu dans ma vie, ton impact n'est que positif...

je ne sais pas pourquoi tu m'aimes tant,

mais j'me sens chanceuse de t'avoir rencontré...

Not going so well,

I'm feeling like I'm

Coming undone,

Something's wrong.

I can't well explain

What's going on, but

It's throwing me off kilter

Big time, and I'm afraid.

So I'll be away for a

While, don't know for

How long, but I need to

Not stay alone with this,

'Cause I'm just not gaining

The control I need to stop.

If I stay here, I'll do it and

End up killing myself again.

But the next time, I'm sure

That I won't be coming back.

It's happened too many times

Already having to be revived.

This probability is no doubt

On its very last stretches, and

I really don't want to find out.

So to avoid doing what I know

I'll keep doing, I'll be committing

Myself this time before another

Situation arises where that decision

Is made for me out of emergency.

I can't well explain

What's going on, but

It's throwing me off kilter

Big time, and I'm afraid.

I don't want to die.

I can only imagine
The look you'd have
On your face if you
Saw the shape I'm in.

So I'm feeling relieved
You're not here to see.
Aside the worry, there'd
Be the care you'd give.

Considering the situation,
I'd rather you conserved
Your emotional resources
For more deserving others.

You have to remember, I
Did this all on my own,
Knowing full well where
It'd lead, did it anyway.

I'm an absolute idiot, and
I'd rather not affect you.
I'm really not worth all
The affection you give me.

Why is it that your first move's
Always to be so cruel to yourself?
Why's it so difficult for you to cut
Yourself some well-deserved slack?

The things you say to yourself are
Nothing you'd ever say to someone else.
So, why do you tear yourself to pieces?
You're so cold, ruthless when it's you.

Never once have you ever treated anyone
That way, it's so against your nature,
So, why are you so vicious to yourself?
Think about that for a moment, please.

- shifting the perspective...

Because you cannot be doing things
Like this without putting everyone
On edge about you and making them
Feel you are a danger to yourself,
You have to expect the response to
Be you getting committed to a ward
Without the need for your consent.

Because of what you did and how it
Came about for you to do it, they
Naturally assessed a serious danger.
Agreed, it is a very humiliating place
To be in, but you clearly needed help,
They could not leave you to your own in
This state. Surely, you realize that?

Try to see it from another perspective,
They had to work hard to bring you back,
And they do not do that when things are
Going well, you know? Forget your shame,
Your embarrassment, and do take the help -
Maybe this time you will find the missing
Bit that will finally make it all stop.

After all, you have come this far...
Tell me, what do you have to lose?
You have figured out a whole lot
Of other difficult stuff already.
Remember, some took a lot of time
For you to resolve, so it is not
Outside the realm of possibilities

That you can for this one too.
You have to keep on trying, ok?

- hard to explain because it makes no sense... 

So disappointed with myself,

With how this part is not resolving,

How my weakness hinders control,

How I worry everyone who cares.

This kind of attention is unwanted,

It's horrifying and embarrassing.

I'd give anything to keep it secret,

But that's never the outcome of it.

To see how your face looks when

You see what I've managed to do,

It kills me,

It really does.

I know apologies won't change

Anything, what's done is done.

But I am truly sorry to put you

Through this, it's hard to explain.

Please believe me when I say

Hurting you isn't my intention.

Something's wrong with me,

I'm trying really hard to fix it.

And evidently, I'm not quite there yet...

In the space of a few hours,

my mind geared up to head

toward the destructive side

and imagine every possible

damage I can cause myself

I don't know why exhaustion

always leads me in this direction

it's like an automatic response

that always quickly overtakes me

and makes the danger get real

It scares me when I'm here

'cause I'm too aware it's a

moment's notice for things

to desintegrate, for control to

be lost, and for blood to spill

I don't know why my mind

reacts this way and slips into

it easily, craving and obsessing

over warped notions that lack any

sense, wanting to destroy myself

And the most disturbing of it

is the great sense of satisfaction

I feel watching blood come out 

And feeling the burn on the skin

It's just fucked up all the way

Whenever I feel this destructive

side come, it convinces me that

I'm defective in a way that can't

be fixed seeing as this is still around

when life is nothing as it used to be

I'll do my best to not succumb

but I'm not sure I'll be successful

I'm feeling very driven to feel it

and to see it, it's this satisfaction

that would make me feel better now

It's just fucked up all the way

And I'm so, so sorry...

I've been so good

At making myself

Disappear that people

Naturally pay no mind

Or attention my way

For years, this was a

Method of protection

That was very good

But now, I no longer

Want it to be this way

And I haven't the slightest

Idea on how to change it

I remain unseen, alone, with

No attention my way even

Though I'm not hiding now

I'm as disappeared as

I've always been and

I think I'll never fix this

People just don't see me

I'm of no interest whatsoever

It was with me, part of me,

for such an extended period

of time in my life, it felt like

it's who I am, it's what life

is like, I knew nothing else.

Now that it's gone, it feels

like something is missing,

and the resulting emotions

are leaving me conflicted

and somewhat bemused.

That part was by any standard

truly horrible, so there's no

possibility that I'm missing it

being around, yet, something is

creating a void like an essential

part of me has vanished now.

It's a strange thing to be feeling,

considering its destructive nature,

it makes no sense to be missing it.

Wondering what's going on with that.

Are there modern-day geniuses?

Intellects such as the greats we

Still learn about centuries later?

Have we come up with great ideas,

Or have we reached a plateau only

Improving what already exists?

Who are our modern-day greats?

What out-of-this-world innovations

Have we achieved since the greats?

Seems like they're not around anymore

And the general discourse is so banal

Feels like brilliance's a thing of the past.