IB M

- Mini is our new girl in the house, we rescued her from the SPA in February... she's 17 months old now... she had a similar look on her face last night... 

we have every trouble to get her to come curl up on the bed... but last night, she immediately came up and did exactly that... so unexpected... 

NB:  last two lines of this are said in laughs... 

As my douce moitié and I

Were having some naked

Time last night, you know

What I mean, the cat got

Herself closer and curled

Herself on the bed right next

To us, and started to stare on

Intently at what we were doing.                (very much at close eye-level, coudn't miss it)

It was to say the least very

Distracting and somewhat

Very awkward, made us laugh,

So, overtaken by the giggles,

I asked the cat : "do you not

Have any sense at all that

You were not for this invited?"

Silly thing just kept on staring.              

Luckily, after a little while,

She got bored and mosied on

To another part of the house,

Leaving us to finish what we

Started, in peace, and

Without a spectator.

That was indeed much better.

Thank you so kindly, Mini.

- blablabla... just some nondescript ramblings... 

Sometimes understanding helps

Other times it does nothing at all

You get that it's horrible and words are

Difficult to come by as a response to it

You also get powerlessness' uncomfortable

Before another's suffering, what do you do?

But to be the one on the receiving end

Is truly a terrible feeling to deal with

You were alone through the years of hell

And you're alone still 'cause of that hell

Since others can't stomach such a reality

All the while you never had any choice

Sometimes understanding helps, but

Often, it's no consolation in any form

- I try my best to not make it show when it's physically not going too great... I don't like it when it's noticeable to others, that kind of attention is really uncomfortable... so focusing on people instead and smiling with them is what I do... 

It may be difficult to believe,

But if you asked anyone who

Knows me, they'd say that I

Am a person who smiles a lot.

That may not reflect much in

The things that I write about,

But it's true, when I'm with

Others, I can be seen smiling.

I can't help it, really, it's not

Something I can ever imagine

Myself not doing, 'cause how

Miserable I truly feel doesn't

Need to be anyone's concern,

Plus it helps my focus away

From what's going on and can

Toss it aside some, a little easier.

I don't know, I just like people,

And when I'm with them, they

Make me smile, and laugh, which

Is something I very much enjoy.

So I do.  Pretty much all the time.

- prompted from feeling like I have to prove to some that I'm struggling to move... 'cause apparently accommodating someone could cause some to feel it's unfair...  yeah, can't say that I get that one...

Here's what I'm dealing with :

In my left hip, there's a split in

The labrum which the hip bone

Rubs, stretches and irritates at

Each step that I take in a day;

Hasn't healed in seven years.

In my left knee, I sprained

The interior ligament in my

Sleep which hasn't healed

Yet and it's been four years.

In my right shoulder, there's

A subscapular tendinopathy I

Somehow caused in my sleep,

Which has managed to heal,

But remains pretty fragile.

In my right index finger, I

Sprained another ligament

Very recently while playing

Guitar, so it's to be seen if

This one will come to heal.

In my left wrist, there's a

Sizeable cyst in between the

Ligaments that sometimes

Paralyzes the use of my hand.

But for both wrists, it's just

Impossible to apply weight.

In my right hip, started to

Appear some pain like my

Left one started years ago,

Not sure if it's another split,

But it sure feels like it is.

In my back and my knees,

There's recently stiffness

Which is feeling pretty tight,

That's a new thing settling in.

I also occasionally get bouts

Of costochondritis which

Causes painful inflammation

Of the cartilage around the

Rib cage and the sternum.

And throughout all of my

Joints, there's an intermittent

Shooting pain in the bones

Of my limbs or localized

Throbbing, without movement.

There's also the fragile state 

Of my blood vessels which

Causes bruises and hematomas of

Impressive sizes at the slightest

Pressure on skin, it's all very sore.

Consequently, the more I move these

Parts, the more irritation it causes me

And a lot of inflammation, too.

There really isn't a moment in my

Body that doesn't hurt, it's always.

So, going places for no reason

Isn't something I can do lightly,

And I'm not exaggerating when I

Say that moving is very painful.

There's a very limited number of

Places I can get myself to weekly,

And going over it is always a risk,

So it's not to be awkward, it's

Just the reality of my situation.

- my friend Stéphane was 29... I was 17... we met at a 24-hr Dunkin' Donuts in Montréal one night ('cause my hitchhiking buddy Sébastien had unexpectedly ditched me to go sleep at his relative's and I had nowhere to sleep)... and Stéphane came back with me to Québec to finish his weening of heroin (not a drug I had personal experience with, just friends on it) ... next month is the month it happened all those years ago... October has a lot each year...

I think this write is my way to close that box, so to speak... the last one... finally... 

and about receiving a letter from him after, it certainly was another shock... he also said in it that for the rest of his life he would cut himself with that hunting knife he used, to inflict the same pain he caused me until the day that I am healed... ouf... I can't say that I knew how to receive that... 

On his third day of weening

From heroin, he lost his head.

Wouldn't say it totally came out

Of the blue, 'cause our chat in

The evening was bizarre enough

To indicate something was off,

But nothing life-threatening.

He spent a good part of it trying

To convince me that there are

Ten percent of the population

Who are actually Martians, and

That he was one of them among us.

I listened and didn't challenge

Him as the timing didn't feel right.

When the evening wound to its

End, we went to bed, I, on the

Floor in the living room, he, on

The couch, and all seemed ok,

There was no upset between us,

And I couldn't have guessed what

Would end up happening that night.

At some point in the night, he got

Up, and started kicking me awake

Very forcefully, which was the

Biggest shock, and so unexpected.

I don't remember what he was

Yelling at me while doing this,

But the terror followed me for years.

He then picked me up off the floor

With a solid grasp of my long hair,

And I felt myself being thrown around,

Knocking walls and furniture along,

To then being pinned against a wall,

Him still yelling, and his hand squeezing

My throat cutting the air from entering.

Then for what seemed like it came out

Of nowhere, there was a huge hunting

Knife pressed very hard against my face,

And his eyes were dark with a lot of rage.

He continued yelling, something about

Not believing my kindness wasn't some

Kind of lie or trick to deceive him.

This went on for a while, and the more

Terrified I was, the more I froze and

Withdrew not showing any reaction,

Which only made him even angrier,

And made him lose all self-restraint.

He choked me, tossed me around more,

And simply beat the daylights out of me.

I don't know for how long all of this

Went on, and I don't know how long

I was left on the floor, all bloodied

And in excrutiating pain, feeling my

Life seep out of me, but I remember

When everything went black and

Nothing more of what happened next.

At the hospital, after the coma, I was

Told that it had been necessary to revive

Me, and in a coma a little over a day.

I remember the devastating, soaring

Disappointment I felt to have survived.

I remember the painful wounds,

Cuts from the knife, and from being

Thrown on furniture, walls, floor, being

Kicked, kneed, and punched;  body was

In very poor shape for a while after all that.

As for my mental health, you can no doubt

Well imagine it was not fairing any better.

This incident changed everything for me,

It actually broke the little I had left in me.

And for twenty years, it was impossible

For me to go to sleep without reliving

Each action he made that night, over

And over, and it felt impossible to stop.

I couldn't control it, and I'd get stuck

In those moments feeling it all again

As if it was happening in current times.

It was a perpetual nightmare with no

End in sight for me, so I developed

The fear of going to sleep as a result.

So for years, the only way for me to

Get to sleep was to stay up for days

Until my body crashed on its own and

Forced me to sleep, it usually worked.

But going for days without sleep does

No one's system any good, and falling

Asleep in that manner restored nothing,

So I was so out of energy, my mind in

A constant fog, I felt like a living dead.

And of course, accompanying me through

All of this was depression not letting up.

So yeah, this friend of mine completely

Broke me and my life apart that night.

Thinking back on it all today, I was so

Young and naïve, only wanting to be

Kind to a friend in need not realizing

The danger of the weening process if

You're not experienced to deal with it.

I was killed because my kindness confused

My friend who wasn't used to being treated

Nicely by anyone in his life, that's what he

Explained to me in a letter after the event.

I don't know if that makes any sense, and I

Admittedly have mulled it over for years,

But I've come to realize it's doesn't matter.

What happened, just happened,

It's over now, and I've moved on.

I'm detailing it now to give a

Final record of the experience,

'Cause for the longest time, I truly

Didn't think it'd ever be possible to

Break free from this nightmare.

Couldn't tell you how,

But I did, I finally did.

It's pretty clear in my head

That I will not see myself

Through to the end of this

Deterioration, I will submit

A request for a medically-

Assisted death when it's time.

That is what I meant when

I previously mentionned

That my life will not avert

From ending in suicide.

As for eligibility, not sure,

But that's where I'd start.

When the pain becomes

Too much and I can no

Longer move on my own,

That's when I'll start the

Process, it'll be time then

To have it all stopped.

I realize that may well be

A bit morbid as a thought,

But I don't view it as such.

I'm relieved that the option

Is available in an otherwise

Optionless situation as this.

It's only going to get worse,

And has been getting worse

In the last seven years, I feel

It in my body that there's no

Turning back to good with this.

Each year, I can do far less.

And the pain is only growing.

At some point, I won't be able

To withstand it any longer, it's

Only a matter of time now.

I have a high endurance for it,

But still, it's already difficult.

That will never diminish.

So those are the reasons

For my decision, thought

I should let you know.

I'm hoping that you'll be able

To understand my reasoning.

Eventually, and inevitably,

It'll all become too much.

Out of curiosity,

Is it because it's

Too stupid?

Uninteresting?

Or it doesn't

Generate any

Thoughts?

Or there's really

Nothing to be

Said about it?

Or it's not worth

A response?

Or you fear being

Too personal?

Or it's too poor

An attempt at

Writing overall?

I can't guess.

How can someone come to believe

Something that has no bearing on

Their experiences actually lived?

How can someone be convinced

By lies that completely contradict

What they've been through in life?

It's difficult to understand the

Dynamics of how someone's

Memories can be high jacked

By another's seething hate

And alter all of everything

To such devastating levels

How do you get someone to

Come back to the love and

All of the good memories?

How do you get someone to

See that things got distorted

And they were deceived?

How do you get someone to

Remember how loved they've

Always been and always'll be?

Is time the only solution?

Listen, you evidently

Can't handle this now,

And it's making you

Feel totally miserable,

So it may be time for

You to step away... ?

You know you need

To consider this now,

'Cause it no longer

Answers your needs,

And it only manages

To crush you to bits...

The comfort and support

It once was for you is no

Longer, that epoch's gone,

And the more time goes,

The more it's revealed that

This doesn't suit anymore...

You should listen, really.

- with rough translation... very fond moments spent in my little field of broccoli as a child...

Quand j'étais enfant,

J'ai fait une découverte

Tout à fait émerveillante :

J'ai trouvé un petit champ

De broccoli non loin des bois qui

Longeaient la cour de ma maison.

When I was a child,

I made a discovery

That was so amazing :

I found a little field

Of broccoli not far from the woods that

Stretched along the backyard of my house.

Des rangées et des rangées

De broccoli devant moi,

Et je m'assoyais entres elles,

Le soleil me tapant sur la tête,

Et j'étais si paisible, émerveillée,

Totalement remplie de joie.

Rows and rows

Of broccoli before me,

And I'd sit between them,

The sun heating my head,

And I was so at peace, amazed,

Totally filled with joy.

Assise-là, je m'adonnais à grignoter

Sur ces belles et incroyables découvertes,

Complètement contente de cette chance...

Dans mon insouciance d'enfant,

Je n'avais jamais pensé que ce broccoli

Pouvait être la propriété de quelqu'un.

While sitting there, I indulged in snacking

On these beautiful and incredible discoveries,

Absolutely happy for this chance...

In my child's unawareness,

I'd never even thought that this broccoli

Could be someone's property.

C'est un de mes plus beaux souvenirs,

Mon petit champ de broccoli.

It's one of my dearest memories,

My little field of broccoli.