IB M

- very strange, 'cause my thoughts are not on that at all...

Sometimes when I lie down

And try to get myself to sleep

I'll have my arms on my side

And feel the wounds of the past

As if I'd just made them now.

The sensation's so real even

If it's my body's memory

Playing it up in that moment,

I feel the throbbing, and the

Blood pulsating out of me.

This happens quite frequently

Even though there's no state

Of mind for self-destruction

And no depressive episode, it

Comes completely unprompted

When I try to relax and find sleep.

It's like my body has its own life

Separate from my mind's control,

It's all very strange considering

It's been years since I've done this.

There's no desire in me to take

Out the cutting implements and

Certainly no desire to hurt myself,

So why my body goes back to that

Reality of a distant past's a mystery,

When all I'm trying to do is sleep.

If only I knew what

Was upsetting you

So much, maybe we

Could talk about it,

And find a resolution.

I'm worried to know

You so upset about

Something, and

Apparently, it's about

Me, but you need to say.

Last time we spoke,

You were happy sharing

About your graduation

And your experiences in

Training, it was wonderful.

There was no indication

Of anything being wrong,

So, you'll need to help

Me with some details

As to what this is about.

I cannot guess.

Get so self-conscious

Leaving comments

On others' posts 'cause

I never think I have

Anything worthwhile

To offer, and I'm so

Afraid of being an

Annoyance in the end.

I have to wrestle with

This immense anxiety

Any time I communicate

With others, I'm socially

Quite a wreck, really...

I do try to improve myself,

But it's something that'll

Take a while to sort out.

Thanks for your patience.

Fucking hell, girl,

Why won't you give

It a rest already...

No one wants to hear

About that, and anyway,

What do you expect?

A bit unfair to fill the

Space with your negative

Crap, be considerate...

Surely you can write

Better things than that,

Just put your mind to it!

My body is just pain

Of varying degrees

But always present

Not a single moment

Is passed without hurt

I'm kind of losing it

Hard not to feel it

It's invasively present

At all times, throbbing

In all kinds of ways

There's no way to toss it

Or not pay attention to it

It's there, like an unwanted

Passenger who hangs on

And won't let you forget

Add to the nightmare

Mobility's an issue 'cause

That pain is too great

The frustration is hard

To express, but it grows

I'm so very exhausted

I know I say it all the time

But am I ever, it's really

Weighing me down now

And not sure how long

I'll be able to withstand it

Feels like it's shortening

As the days go on 'cause

This pain is just too much

I seriously need a break

- really exhausted, so on my days off, I fall asleep at all hours, and sleep for long stretches...

it's currently 4h15... sigh...

Damn it, I hate it when this happens!

Fell asleep in the afternoon yesterday,

And then woke up in the night at 2am.

And of course cannot get myself back

To sleep, so I'll be up all this time

Until my shift starts in a few hours.

It's going to be a very long day.

I'm finally learning that song

On the guitar, and actually

Progressing well with it...

And singing it right along.

Truly the most joyful thing.

- the first step of isolation resolved is being able to get out of the house... the second one to resolve is to find people in my life... 

So, how does one go about

Making friends with others?

I don't know where to go, or what

To do to create such a context.

Last 30 years of my life have been

Isolated and pretty much hermit-like.

Now that I've broken away from

This issue, I don't know where to start.

I want to include people in my life,

But really not sure how to do that.

Where do you find people?

What do you do to make friends?

Have any suggestions?

- in saying this, the years of agoraphobic isolation probably didn't help matters here... people fade away after a while when they don't hear from you for a long time... so there's that... 

Some have said of

Me as a person that :

I'm special ;

I'm amazing ;

I'm admirable.      

Apparently, I'm something

Else, most uncommon

Person they've come across,

And they think I'm so kind

And so caring, they love me.

Yet, I'm all alone

With no one around,

So it gives one pause

As to what they exactly

Mean by all of that.

Seems to me if you have

Strong feelings like that

For a person, you'd be

Sticking around them,

Not be absent as they are.

This blaring contradiction

Leaves me somewhat stuck.

- je suis dans le processus de faire une demande d'accommodement envers mon employeur en ce qui concerne ma présence au bureau 2 fois par semaine, j'aimerais diminuer... et la gestion de ma douleur, j'aimerais plus de flexibilité... mon employeur semble bien réceptif, mais il y a bien sûr un tralala de procédures administratives à passer... entre autre une visite chez le médecin pour une note appuyant ma demande... ce que je fais mardi prochain... 

MES LIMITATIONS :

- Bouger occasionne de l'irritation et de l'inflammation, et parfois des blessures, car

  mes tissus conjonctifs (ligaments, tendons, cartilages) ont tendances à soit : frotter,

  coincer, étirer ou pincer à chaque mouvement

- +15 minutes de marche occasionne de l'irritation/inflammation ou blessure et exige du

   temps de récupération

- +10 minutes à rester debout sur mes jambes (sans bouger) occasionne de la douleur

  (dos et jambes)

- Faire des déplacements occasionne souvent l'exacerbation de mes douleurs

- Douleurs chroniques (sans médication pour les gérer, car intolérance sévère aux

   médicaments)

- Sommeil souvent affecté par la douleur et beaucoup de fatigue physique

- Épisodes d'immobilisation et d'incapacité physique

MON ÉTAT ACTUEL :

- Fissure dans le labrum, hanche gauche --> qui ne guérie pas depuis 7 ans

- Entorse ligament, genou gauche --> qui ne guérie pas depuis 4 ans

- Entorse ligament, index droite --> toute récente, donc à voir

- Tendinopathie sous scapulaire, épaule droite --> rétablie mais fragile

- Kyste entre les ligaments, poignet gauche --> ne peut pas mettre du poids sur les

   poignets

- Douleurs intermittentes dans toutes les articulations et des élancements dans les os de

   mes bras et de mes jambes

- Irritation et inflammation chronique dans les articulations

- Début de douleur de la hanche droite (pas de diagnostic encore)

- Début de raideurs dans le dos et les genoux

AUTRES PROBLÉMATIQUES DU SEDh :

- Épisodes de costochondrite (inflammation du cartilage de la cage thoracique et le

  sternum)

- Écchymoses et hématomes (sans me cogner)

- Gastroparésie (digestion)