An effort at re-writing with a change from the sing song rhyme. Thanks for the suggestions,Praveen.


Nights are full of distant dreams
this life has kept for me

Songs that shimmer like stars
that never fall

Days are flowing river streams
So full of words
without meaning.

As time passes, and
takes away each day
your touch that filled my heart.

The songs seduce.

Fingers I've held give
each line the meter
that changes with each key.

Like nomads
from foreign lands,
languid wanderers of the night
we dance enraptured

A dream that dims the firelight

If I were given just a moment
to turn my life around

I would
leave it
with no memories left to
wander past


Poetry by Ashe
Read 454 times
Written on 2018-08-26 at 06:50

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Ivan R

Jamsbo Rockda The PoetBay support member heart!
I like it. It is narration and works well. There are too many rules in things.

Coo & Co The PoetBay support member heart!
This is indeed a dreamy piece, Ashe :>)

All at Coo & Co like the mysterious beginning, and 'words without meaning' recalls Mendelssohn's 'Songs without Words', for which we thank-coo. The romantic music finds an echo in this poem, we think, with its wistfulness and charm. The fourth stanza is particularly appealing for its imagery (nomads and fire!), while the notion of a field of dreams is very beautiful to us :>)

You've used the word 'dreams' four times in this single poem, out of which the second should be replaced by a something else, solely because it arrives a little too early with easy rhymes.

"Songs are played" again asserts an unsound repetition. I'm sure you'd find a better phrase for it.

I see the four line structure throughout, but it could use some breaks, or pauses. Like "Full of words without meaning" to
"Full of words
without meaning"

I've only pointed out all these because the poem is otherwise quite dreamy, especially for someone like me who prefers the night. Lines like "A dream that feeds the firelight" reminds me how much I love poetry.

bibek adhikari The PoetBay support member heart!
This poem has a typical sing-song rhythm to it. I like the use of short, sharp lines.

chuma okafor
Nice rhyme, almost musical and one can feel the dreamlike love embedded in the poem and in the heart of the writer. Well crafted.