May 18, 2020.

4:35 A M

 




i cleaned up the incense ashes

small things have became milestones

your small pebble you step over so casually

became a boulder i pushed until my back would cave

now my back pops and cracks whenever i try to make it straight

 

but you see, i cleaned up all the incense ashes today

so i'm okay,

i'm doing better

the palo santo, the sage and citrus, and the lavender

my dresser doesn't make my palms dingy after cleansing the air anymore

 

and-- i consulted my cards

they called me out, like they always do

but they said things will get even better

maybe i'll start asking other questions i'm scared to ask

like, "will you help me?" or "would you hold my hand?"

 

i even used my spirit board and tried to ask my mother

like when did she notice i was starting to slip

when did she realize that me clinging to her hip

and shaking like a leaf when people spoke to me

was stronger than shyness

 

i remember once, a teacher in sixth grade

yelled at us all on our first day to scare us straight

before we could even try anything

and i ran into my mothers arms after such a long day

and sobbed about how the entire world was shaking when she yelled

and that i could still hear her hand slam on our desk

 

she marched herself to the principal

she did the same thing, yell and yell

and she responded that if i was that emotionally distraught

about past events that i can't survive my future

that i should just see a therapist

 

that only made her angrier

she insisted that i was just like everyone else

except i hide

i curl into my shell so no one can hurt me

lonliness is the safest place and i could access it so easily

because everyone i had known before had put me there

 

that teacher suddenly was much nicer to me

actually, she acted like i was a broken toy that could get her in trouble

my friends would point out that she was softer with me

and i realized that even getting help was isolating

 

but, i cleaned up the incense ashes today

the lotus, the jasmine, the rose, the strawberry

the cedar, the frankincense, myrrh, and the rosemary

hoping it was a good start to clean up the rest of my life

 

next is my closet

the skeletons have been a bit claustrophobic 

they've been screaming like everyone else

if the past is dead, why is it all still lurking around

 

ah, i think i'll make my bed first

 





Poetry by aidan haskel
Read 69 times
Written on 2020-05-18 at 10:52

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