December 19, 2020.

the secret in my garden

that night i stared at a sheet of
college ruled notebook paper
and debated between ballpoint ink and lead
what sweetens words that shouldn't be said?

when it all came together,
i couldn't stop reading it
my eyes were so tired, my spirit was so heavy
i shed tear after tear over my own agony

"surely, it isn't that easy", i thought to myself
do i have no remorse or second thoughts?
am i content with leaving a life with only this to show for it?
yes, but i took a moment to find spelling errors that needed corrected

i certainly wouldn't want to look bad or anything
my, how i put so much effort into giving it all up
i was only seventeen and thought i had seen enough
but i was aware of every person saying i was so young

i talked myself out of it but i didn't know if next time i could
because i was tired of saying "things were going to get better"
when they kept getting worse
despite this, i tucked away my lousy letter

i got help soon after by reaching out to my sister
i didn't specify my problems but she assumed it was grief
and i was in fact mourning a lot of things
but especially me

my therapist didn't want me holding onto the letter
but it was hidden in a copy of the secret garden
and for years, it rested between better uses of the english language
but yesterday it finally became a bigger burden

bigger than the one i thought i was almost five years ago
so i decided this was a chapter that needed to come to a close
i gave it the burial that it had intended for me
and i did not feel a tad bit guilty

Poetry by aidan haskel
Read 52 times
Written on 2020-12-20 at 02:20

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Thomas D The PoetBay support member heart!
The inner pain described in this poem is palpable. Excellent work.