Short n sweet

Flackie Wackie

The amazing story of the Toad Rock Flackie Wackie’s
You know how it is, sometimes you just can’t believe what you hear or read. And this story is no exception. You may not know of Toadrock-on-Sand close to Happy Valley near a royal town somewhere in the garden of England, so for those of you who don’t, well, you have no idea what you're missing, but its where Flackie Wackie’s live. Flackie Wackie’s have lived in and around the rocks by the off-licence since nobody could remember. It is rumoured that a family of Flackie Wackie’s live in the cliff face of Fairlight cliffs down on the coast but apparently they felt they were all so much better then their peers and all fell out and argued. A bit like Romeo and Juliet, but that’s families for you isn’t it. Anyway, each time the wind blew and the rain did a cats and dogs exercise it would wash away a little bit of their cave homes and secret tunnels. It’s a full time job repairing the damage and tidying up rockfalls and stuff like that, but it did give them all a lot of time to practice whistling which was a Flackie Wackie’s favourite pastime. Another favourite Flackie Wackie pastime was eating and drinking, By the time a Flackie Wackie had reached the ripe old age of nine months and three days they were expert in all things eating, drinking and whistling.You might be asking yourself where the name Flackie Wackie came from. Well, I’ll tell you, it was given to the cave dwelling creatures by the local toads. Toads have never liked their own name, they thought the word toad and the spelling of T O A D was a Misrepresentation. So take it from me, never trust a toad, all toads are irritable and argumentative. To be honest they will never get over there name, well, that’s what I was told anyway but you can make your own mind up, but I’ll tell you this before we move on, turn your back on a toad and Bob’s your uncle, your in deep trouble. Anyway never mind that now.
Flackie Wackie’s had no idea what a personal name was, unlike humans who had names like Lola, Poppy and Emmie for girls and Mick, Alan and Wayne for boy Flackie Wackie’s.
Flackie Wackie’s simply knew each other by the name of the day they were born, yes I know, very strange. As you can imagine this lead to much confusion and none more so than Sunday, Sunday was born on, yes, you guessed it, Sunday.
Sunday was a normal run of the mill Flackie Wackie who had the misfortune to think. Thinking was a rarity and regarded as a disability or at best a learning difficulty especially by the teachers at RBBS (Rusthall Big Boys School) The last known Flackie Wackie who had the ability to think was Tuesday, and he worked many a long year attempting to invent the wheel. It got him into lots of trouble among his elders who caught him pushing something that looked like a wheel round and around The Bumps near the Church. He was made to spend long hours standing in a corner of the classroom with a dunce hat on his head while his friends pointed at him and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed out loud.
Now you know a little about the Toadrock-on-Sand cave dwellers I guess you're wondering what they look like. Well, you may think being named after a day of the week is odd but wait till you hear this, ready? A Flackie Wackie didn’t really have a shape, a hight or form, oh no. A Flackie Wackie had the ability to turn him/her self into any shape he/she wanted. The strange thing was if you looked at a Flackie Wackie it appeared just like all the things around it. If you were walking up the Tarry path and a Flackie Wackie happened to be nearby it would appear just like a rock or a gorse bush, or some discarded piece of litter, or whatever happened to be around at the time. So you see, trying to explain just what a Flackie Wackie looks like is impossible. Between you and me I think a Flackie Wackie is a tiny little thing, after all how would it get into those little holes half way up the Toadrock or the Tablerock? Anyway, where were we? Oh yes. The classroom inside the cave was called “Run Of The Mill”, but none of the Flackie Wackie’s quite new why or even knew what it meant, like a lot of things, it just was, and that was that.
Sunday once asked an elder what Run Of The Mill meant and he received a thick ear for talking out of turn. Getting a thick ear only happens when a Flackie Wackie is troublesome or getting in the way, in fact the elders called the act of thinking the “troublesome syndrome” and a Ritalin sweet would be handed out as a punishment if a Flackie Wackie is caught thinking or even pondering. Pondering is believed to be the first signs of thinking and something to be avoided at all cost.
The only safe time Sunday was able to indulge in the act of thinking was on the sand near the Stalky Rock. He would whistle and watch the lizards wiggling in the sand. He felt guilty about thinking (as you would) and wondered what would happen if he ever got caught thinking. It was while he was sitting near the Stalky rock thinking one sunny afternoon when Friday crept up behind him. Sunday jumped in surprise and Friday laughed out loud.“What are you doing Sunday”? Friday looked concerned. “I’ll tell you what I’m doing”. Sunday felt his heart beat fast, he was about to tell his friend the truth. “I’m thinking, thats what I’m doing okay, but don't tell anybody, or else”. (Sunday said this in a threatening manner so I’m including it to give this script meaning) Friday smiled, “I thought thats what you were doing, I’ve been thinking as well, its great isn't it”. The two sat together under the Stalky rock giggling and whistling, just what the elders would make of this unruly behaviour was anybody's guess.
Well, that’s how it all started. The two Flackie Wackie’s had shared their thinking secret together and from here on in things would never quite be the same again.
The two met up most evenings on the sand whistling and chatting, they knew they were being right little sods but both Flackie Wackie’s enjoyed their new found freedom.
“I’ve been thinking” said Sunday, “I’m cheesed off being called Sunday, there’s so many of us called Sunday and its just plane silly, it’s really confusing”. Friday agreed and said it had always been like that and told him to stop moaning. “Well,” said Sunday, “I’m going to change my name, from now on I want to be called Balls, you know, after Balls Hollow. Friday smiled, “Oh yes, what a great idea, and I want to be called Dingley, after all, we live near the Dell don’t we”. Both Flackie Wackie’s laughed out loud at their new names and gave a high five (or what ever it is Flackie Wackie’s do) to celebrate their ingenious spark of creative thinking.
Now between you and me Balls and Dingley had been planning to leave Toadrock-on Sand, they had had enough of the silly non thinking Flackie Wackie’s and now they had given themselves real names they felt the time had come to plan for the future and say bye bye to the rock caves.
Early one morning before day break and before the other Flackie Wackie’s had woken up Balls and Dingley met on the grass by the Toad Rock Retreat as arranged. Both had packed something special in their rucksack to eat and drink, oh yes, they had thought of everything. Dingley had looked at google earth the day before and had decided to explore Denny Bottom. Now, Denny Bottom was quite a long walk and its reputation went before it. Balls told Dingley it would be better to avoid a reputation and take the long route via Sandy Bank. After all, nobody wants to go through reputation unless they have to, not even humans.
The two set off on their adventure looking just like their surroundings.
It was only when Balls stomach started to rumble that they stopped walking and sat down on the grass outside the Toad Rock Tavern for a drink and a rest. By now they were well away from Toadrock-on-Sand and well out of sight from other Flackie Wackie’s who would have woken up and probably be wondering where they were.
Dingley and Balls quickly opened up their lunch box and ate a peanut butter and anchovy sandwich with cranberry spread with a touch of french mustard along with a pickled duck egg and all washed down with a flute of Dom Pérignon Rosé 2003 Champagne.
“Oh look” said Balls, wiping egg off his face, “I think I can see Denny Bottom”. Balls was right, Denny Bottom lay out of sight just around the corner.
From where they sat they could see a lot of little boxes all lined up from the posh end of Denny Bottom to the (spuds in the front garden) end. “What are those boxes and what are they for” said Dingley? Balls quickly googled it on his lap top and told Dingley that they were houses, and council houses at that. Do you think it’s where the humans live? Balls asked. Dingley shrugged his shoulders, they decided they would investigate further.
“We need to be a bit smart right now”, said Balls. “What we need to do is change into humans, you know, the same as those things we can see down they're near the boxes”. After a few puffs, pants, farts and mumbles, The two Flackie Wackie’s turned into human beings, just like that !
They both stood up, which in itself was something neither had ever done before and looked at each other. Dingley told Balls he looked like a typical naughty boy and Balls told Dingley that she was a typical girl. “What did you say, I’m a GIRL, you mean I’m a G I R L ! well, I never knew that”, she said in a very girly way. They held hands and started walking down past Still Green both whistling Moonlight Sonata, Op. 27, No. 2 by Beethoven.
Just as the two heavily disguised Flackie Wackie’s neared the posh end of Denny Bottom something very strange happened…..
To be continued, but don’t hold your breath.
Meanwhile back in the Toadrock-on-Sand Flackie Wackie stronghold the elders had organised a search party, Sunday and Friday had gone missing and it was thought that the toads may have captured them.
John La Von was king of the toads, he never let the opportunity to pass without telling everybody he was related to Charles de Gaulle, anyway, he bullied his way to the top of the toad pile and all the toads in the Toadrock-on-Sand area lived in fear of his toad-like ways.
John La Von didn’t mind at all how many times his name was mentioned in one sentence. But that was him all over, typical.
Anyway, the Flackie Wackie’s search party set off to find Sunday and Friday and kept their fingers crossed that the nasty John La Von and his army of toads were in a good mood. (Please note, I have no idea what fingers are called on a Flackie Wackie or even if they could cross them. That could be a story for another day)
All the Flackie Wackie’s set off down Upper Street, a collective noun for a group of Flackie Wackie’s is, as I’m sure you know, called a “week” but nobody knows why.
It was just as they were passing Cottons post office when they saw Sunday and Friday running off towards the Pumping Station. Although Sunday and Friday now appeared like humans you couldn’t pull the wool over a Flackie Wackie’s eye (they only had the one) The search party set off in pursuit. A “pursuit” was a bicycle looking thing that often came in handy when more than a dozen Flackie Wackie’s needed to get from A to B. from 1 to 2, from A to 1 or from 2 to B.
Back to Balls and Dingley, the strange thing that happened to them wasn’t really strange at all, I just put that bit in for a laugh. What really happened, well, I’ll tell you, king toad John La Von and his slimy toad army had set a trap. There was no doubt about it, John La Von was one clever, manipulating, evil little sod.
Fortunately for Dingley and Balls (and me who’s writing this) the two Flackie Wackie’s had read this story before and knew the score. Very odd. Anyway, they started running away shouting “Run away, run away”. They headed off towards the Spa Lake taking a short cut over a corrugated fence and fell arse over head onto golf course green number 5 where Balls up-ended the flag pole saying it might come in handy to shove up John La Von’s jacksy if need be.
By now there were three groups all running as fast as they could. Balls and Dingley followed by John La Von’s army who were followed by the Flackie Wackie search party on their pursuit.
Well, as you can imagine, all hell broke loose (If you don’t believe in heaven or hell then omit “hell” from that last bit)
The Spa lake glimmered in the evening light, shadows of trees danced on the water and ducks swam around the bank. The moon appeared milky behind distant cumulus clouds, A far off dog barked breaking the silence as bats began to dip and dive over the links. A perfect setting for a most horrendous and violent massacre.
A blood bath like no other so I’m lead to understand. Nobody really knows if Balls managed to sink the flag pole where it never shines but I’d like to think he did, wouldn’t you?
And that’s how it all ended.
Nobody knows what happened to Balls and Dingley, John La Von or the other characters in this amazing story. (truth is I’ve had enough writing about this)
The End
Mick Bean
You read it here 1st, other stuff I have done, be it art or script often turns up elsewhere under a cleverly disguised thief’s name.

Poetry by Mick Bean
Read 210 times
Written on 2021-04-29 at 18:24

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