Nuns.

Celebrities.

The dead.

Dead celebrity nuns.

Women with female partners.
Women with male partners ... in the Mafia.

Relatives by marriage.

Dead relatives by marriage.

At least one cousin.

At least one cousin's wife.

A therapist once told me:

"Thomas, all your crushes are hopeless!"

I had a crush on that therapist.

And then there are

the time-machine crushes:

Carole King, 1971.
Angela Lansbury, 1945.
Sidney Poitier, 1967,

A few teachers I had

back in the day.

Married Episcopal priests (women).
Yes, I want to be the fallen man
in a reverse-gendered Thorn Birds.

Drew Barrymore.

Lauryn Hill.

The lead singer of Squeeze.

Women at the drinking age
who think I'm just too old.

Women at retirement
who think I'm just too young.

Women I haven't seen in thirty years
and will never see again.