When you're just not sure, of anything... anymore

Happy one year babe!... i think

Iím not even sure if I like him.
I donít dislike him.
He donít give me butterflies or anything - but my therapist told me that was a good thing because what butterflies actually are is anxiety, my ďanxious attachment styleĒ, telling me Iím in danger and thatís what I think love is and itís addictive, little hits of dopamine, like a drug.
I get them because of shitty ex-boyfriends Iíve had - not all shitty actually, sometimes I was just a bit of a cunt - and she said I should challenge those anxious feelings, challenge and explore safe situations.

And I have, I really have.
I have really tried.
And itís ok.
But itís boring.
And I donít hate when he kisses me.
Donít turn away or wince or nothing.
I donít mind it.
I donít mind him going down on me.
I donít mind having sex with him, itís not that bad - he really tries and I appreciate that.
But it isÖ boring.
Itís always the funny fucked up ones who eat-you-out-from-behind-and-fuck-you-senseless types that are fun!
Why is that?

I tried to bring it up a few times, not about the sex thatís AWKWARD!
I tried to talk, about us, about what we are or where weíre heading, like what do we really want from this/eachother and every time I did there was always something happening - a gift or a dinner, a birthday then Christmas, a wedding then the cat died - his cat not my cat, I donít have a cat - and on and on.
Like, we never once said ďwe are bf and gfĒ and that was great, all good, all fine, NO PRESSURE - find the joy in the unease my therapist said, find the joyÖ there was joy, so much joy but I also get a lot of joy from eating pie and mash.
It was other people whoíd label us and that was stressful, for me.

And IímÖ I ainít blaming him for this, Iím not, not at all.
Takes two to tango and all that.
Like, I didnít not tell him to pull out, well sometimes I did but not all the time.
Sometimes it feels nicer leaving it in.
And I donít not want a baby.
I just dunno if I want it with him.
Not now anyway.
Or maybe not even ever.

And now Iím sorta stuck in this lane. And I donít know if I even like him very much.
I donít.

Words by Holly Hawgood
Read 87 times
Written on 2024-01-26 at 08:47

Tags Long  Monologue  Consciousness 

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