- although I've been through many therapies in my life, I've only found out recently that I've been experiencing symptoms of trauma and what those symptoms are called... here I was all these years thinking I was going crazy...

the medical cannabis was prescribed to help manage the chronic pain of hEDS seeing as medications always cause me severe side-effects... however, turns out it's also effective for trauma symptoms such as somatic memories...

Google Definition : Somatic memories, often termed "body memories," are lingering, non-cognitive physical sensations of discomfort, pain, or tension stored in the body's nervous system and tissues rather than consciously recalled by the mind. Frequently linked to past trauma or severe stress, these implicit memories can trigger physical reactions like muscle tension, digestive issues, or flashbacks. 

I also learned that self-harm is a common trauma response... I began doing that when I was around 9 or 10 years old... it was my way to have some sort of control over all the distress I was going through... it provided me solace, calm, and control... it was the best feeling I'd experienced... 

I did that into my adulthood... although in my adulthood, it was more sporadic and episodical... I did come to stop completely for a number of years... so when all of this started back in June, it felt to me like it came out of nowhere...  it's absolutely thrown me off... but I think it may finally be over now...

to me, it feels like the end of a nightmare...

Here's what's been happening since June :

Because of hEDS' effects on my body,

I fell into a state of deep exhaustion

That exhaustion couldn't hold back

The resurfacing of somatic memories

Those somatic memories recalled old

Wounds my body experienced once

Made those old wounds intensely throb

As though they were currently happening

Those strong sensations made my mind

Embark on a campaign to recreate them

And although I could rationalize this course

Of action wasn't in any of my best interests

I came to a point in my resistance where I

Simply faltered, folded, and went ahead

And when I did, it quickly became dangerous

'Cause there could never be enough blood, so...

There were no suicidal intentions

Just an obsession to see and feel it again

It's the scariest place to be with yourself

Losing the control to help yourself in any way

Seeing that you're killing yourself and

Not being able to stop what you're doing

Even though you clearly know it's crazy...

That's what was going on since June

But it feels over now, ever since I started

Taking medical cannabis this last week

Turns out the oil is also effective at cutting

Out the somatic memories' sensations

So that throbbing that makes me

Lose it is not felt at all, it's gone

Consequently, so is the fight against

Unhinged urges - I'm profoundly relieved

Truly feels like the end of a nightmare