I was bored, and felt like writting a poem, and was sorta sad.

In Love

He takes my breathe away,
and suddenly I have nothing to say.

All I feel is pain,
my tears begin to rain.

I remember he loves her and her only,
which just makes me feel lonely.

I can't sleep at night,
I know its not right.

So I fake a smile,
but it only works for awhile.

When he looks towards me,
I understand Im invisible, you see.

I'm so in love with you,
and I know you'll never feel the same, too.

Poetry by allegra
Read 952 times
Written on 2006-08-01 at 05:59

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Thomas Perdue The PoetBay support member heart!
I like it, wonderful rhymes!
In my opinion, some of the rhymes toward the end felt a bit forced, but I really like it all the same. It has a very musical quality to it. Nice work!

Great job!!...keep up the wonderful work! :D

Patrik Lind
very nice writ and touching.

well am a little late , but lady i must say this is a very touching and lovely text, congo's to you your first text and here it is bookmarked , your next post awaited.

Rob Graber
I like the lines, "When he looks towards me / I understand Im invisible you see." Avoid highly predicatable rhymes, and show more of the wit you flashed with "invisible you see"!

Good job! Just try to maintain the same flow in the poem - most of the poem talks about "him", the last couplet suddenly changes to "you" - it kinda breaks the flow.
But this is a beautiful poem....I love it. Will come back later to check for more. Welcome to the bay!