Experimental triolet &? (triolet challenge)*revised*


Raking the sand garden 
with my fingers
A stone is a stone but every stone differs
Raking the sand garden 
with my pinky, no more ever afters
Oh glowing red & black cinders
Your inner meaning? I don't need to harden 
& I will keep touching you with my fingers

 ~¤~

Do mountaintops lift the sun up
every morning & when the night comes?
What happens then?
Do mountaintops lift the sun up
then let the sun fall back in their arms?
When the night comes the moon whispers:

Maybe mountaintops do lift the sun up
but when the clouds come they abandon the sun










Poetry by night soul woman The PoetBay support member heart!
Read 906 times
Written on 2014-02-19 at 02:28

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F.i.in.e Moods The PoetBay support member heart!
Oh sorry if I gave the impression that it needed to be changed... I was simply saying that for me (not necessarily native English-speakers) that those three words in consecutive order was hard to flow properly because of my difficulty with the English r... it's still sounds pretty with the modification though...
2014-02-23



That first stanza can not be fixed in the depth of the feelings that it conveys. There is a palpable feeling in that running of fingers over the sand, and the pebbles, and then the pinkie.

I am afraid I am not a poet to critique this piece. I can only feel the words, and it motivates deep feelings.

I love the sound of it.
2014-02-19


night soul woman The PoetBay support member heart!
Thank you girl I think I found a way to fix it:D Let me know though:)
2014-02-19


F.i.in.e Moods The PoetBay support member heart!
I have a terrible time with the English r... so trying to smoothly read out ''trickling brook raking...'' without stumbling on the poor syllables of these words is not a great success. Aside my inability to not massacre those lines, I thought it sounded pretty :)
2014-02-19