IB M

I'm working in the code

Can't express how happy

That makes me, but there

You go, getting things sorted

Out that've been outstanding.

Enfin.

I'm a total idiot,

If you saw my state

You'd wholeheartedly

Agree with me on that.

I'm in constant pain,

And here I went and

Caused way more, it's

All my fault, I did this.

I weakened my body

With serious injuries,

Which led to CPR that

Made it so much worse.

It's a marvel of medicine

To be able to bring back

Someone, but it's the most

Intense pain I've lived yet.

I don't want to live it again.

I'm such a sneak

I hide it from him

'Cause I don't want

Him to worry for me

But that's always a poor

Plan, I crumble so bad, so

There's no other choice

But to be confronted with it

There's no hiding it then

And the hurt in his eyes, it

Kills me more than anything...

I don't want to do this to him

I really wish I could stop

But I'm not winning that one

Je ne veux pas tant te laisser

savoir ce qui se passe pour moi,

j'aime mieux savoir comment

tu vas au lieu qu'on s'attarde

à moi, car ce n'est pas important.

Tes inquiétudes ne sont pas

mon souhait, alors c'est mieux

de laisser tomber, parle-moi

de ce qui se passe pour toi, ne

me demande pas comment ça va.

Tu es bien plus intéressante.

- "You" by Robert Pettersson (singer from Swedish band Takida)... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-YG-zLS9Cw

Ever hear a song

That just takes you

And makes you feel?

While the words are like

They were about your

Situation? The music

The exact emotions

You're feeling in it?

I have one particular

Song lately, and singing

It feels like an ultimate

Release, it's so good.

With how I'm feeling,

This is a nice burst

Of feeling alive and like

Someone understands.

The song speaks on

Point about how I feel.

So I have it on repeat

And I sing it outloud,

And let the emotions flood

Me ; strangely it feels good.

I always feel like no one

Understands what I'm in,

But this song tells me

Someone out there does.

I'm so sorry

I can't stop myself

I'm driven by the

Immense satisfaction

It makes me feel

When I see and feel it

I can't resist that burning

Want, it turns obsessive

And makes me lose all

Sense of preservation

There's just never enough

Blood, so I make it happen

Even though I can well

See it's killing me

I know there's no way to

Ever satisfy the obsession

Yet here I am anyway

Unable to stop myself

I'm at a point that all

I'm wishing now is to die

To make it stop

Once and for all

Exhausted

Defeated 

I can't do this anymore

- perspective :  mental health crises on repeat... causing fear accompanied by overwhelming doubts...

After two resuscitations and

Three hospitalizations since June,
It's looking to me like I'm on my
Sure way toward losing this battle...

Really not to be dramatic, but it's

Seriously feeling like this is it: 

The beginning of the end, all the

While I can't do anything about it.

I'm fearful that I won't make it

Through this, 'cause I still am

Unable to gain control over it, and

It takes over so frequently now.

I'm struggling to figure out

Exactly what's going on with that,

And my latest statistics contradict

That I'll figure it out in time...

It sure looks like I won't succeed.