IB M

I'm not sure if what I'll tell you is anything you should be saying to a friend... I'm thinking it isn't.  I'm sorry if it isn't kind... not my intention, I hope you know. 

I'm struggling so bad right now, I'm really not sure if I'll get through this... I just can't stop myself no matter the rationalization I'm able to do about it, it has no effect.  I don't want to do this, but I really can't stop myself. 

I'm slicing the length of my arms... drinking a lot in the hopes of blacking out before I do too much damage to myself. 

I'm just useless at helping myself.  I always do everything that isn't right in these moments.  I realize it but I don't seem to be able to shift my ways. 

I'm at a point that I'm wishing that death will just come and that I won't be rescued to survive this... I just want this to stop.  I can't do this anymore. 

I'm sorry, this feels so wrong to tell you this... it's just I'm feeling at a desperate point, I don't think I'll succeed.

- pas pour être fataliste... mais les signes indiquent que c'est ça...

je crois que je serai mieux

le jour où ma vie en viendra

à sa fin, car ce qui se passe

en ce moment, ne laisse pas

croire que les choses auront

la chance de s'améliorer...

I think I'll be better

the day my life comes

to an end, because what's happening

right now doesn't suggest

that things will have

a chance to improve...

mes efforts sont pour rien,

je suis inutile à me sauver.

à ce rhythme, c'est certain

que je vais perdre le combat

éventuellement, car manifes-

tement, je n'y parviens pas...

my efforts are in vain,

I'm useless at saving myself.

at this rate, it's certain

that I'm going to lose the battle

eventually, because clearly,

I'm not succeeding...

depuis plusieurs années je

tente de prendre le dessus,

mais cela n'est pas un succès,

alors à ce stade-ci, je ne sais

plus trop, et tout à l'air

plutôt très proche de sa fin...

for several years I've

been trying to get the upper hand,

but it hasn't been successful,

so at this point, I don't really know

anymore, and everything seems

pretty close to its end...

ce n'est pas ce que je souhaite,

et je me sens sans pouvoir

pour changer ce qui viendra.

j'aurais aimé pouvoir reprendre

le contrôle, mais je n'y arrive

pas, alors je crois que c'est ça...

it's not what I wish,

and I feel myself without power

to change what's coming.

I would have liked to be able to regain

control, but I can't

do it, so I think that's it...

- dealing with the aftermath... hEDS considerably slows the healing process...

With the condition I have,

Injuries have a hard time

Healing, and they don't

Very quickly, so I can't

Express how annoyed and

Angry I am with myself for

Going ahead and making it

So much worse for myself,

Adding to the already constant

Pain in this useless body of mine.

It's nothing that I ever want,

Just something I'm struggling

To gain some sort of control

Over and it's causing me so much

More pain that I can't describe.    

I'm feeling like a total idiot that

I can't get a better handle on this,

Considering these moments are

So void of sense or any distress

That would lead me to this old

Way of handling that kind of

Problem -- I think I'm losing it.

I'm so exhausted dealing with this,

Pretty much demolished at this point. 

I don't think I should tell you

How things are going, 'cause

In the circumstances, you

Couldn't do anything about it,

And it'd only leave you worried.

Besides, I'm the idiot who's

Behaving inappropriately

And causing myself this grief.

It's not fair to involve you

Only to leave you powerless.

So I'll just keep it to myself,

I have no room to complain

As all of this is my own doing.

I shouldn't be bothering you, 

It's not kind to do that to you.

- connective tissues : tendons, ligaments, cartilage, blood vessels...  

Lift your arm,

bend your elbow,

or your wrist, or

fingers, or simply

Move any body part

And feel pain

No matter the

Movement you

Might be making

Even if it's light

That's my condition, a

Connective tissue problem

Whereby mine are too lax

The more I move my body

The more it causes pain

It can also cause injury

Everything in me has

Too much space to move

And it does: it sprains,

It pulls, it pinches, it rubs

There isn't a moment

In my body that doesn't hurt

That's what I'm dealing with

Right now, don't mean to be

A sourpuss in your midst

It just takes a lot of space

- thank you for your comments on my previous post... I'll answer soon xx

dealing with the aftermath... 

Stitches

Staples

Bruises and

Hematomas

Tubes' irritation

Cracked ribs

To you:

Yeah

I'm glad

To still

Be here

I'm grateful

To myself:

Not at all

In a bad way right now

It's unlikely I'll survive

If I don't get help soon

But I'm alone here

The problem with exhaustion

For me is that it makes the

Past flood back, and it all

Flashes by everything of

What was done to me and

I also remember the

Sensations on my body

Like these things happened

Just now, it's all very painful

And I don't want to remember...

I'm working in the code

Can't express how happy

That makes me, but there

You go, getting things sorted

Out that've been outstanding.

Enfin.

- "You" by Robert Pettersson (singer from Swedish band Takida)... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-YG-zLS9Cw

Ever hear a song

That just takes you

And makes you feel?

While the words are like

They were about your

Situation? The music

The exact emotions

You're feeling in it?

I have one particular

Song lately, and singing

It feels like an ultimate

Release, it's so good.

With how I'm feeling,

This is a nice burst

Of feeling alive and like

Someone understands.

The song speaks on

Point about how I feel.

So I have it on repeat

And I sing it outloud,

And let the emotions flood

Me ; strangely it feels good.

I always feel like no one

Understands what I'm in,

But this song tells me

Someone out there does.