IB M

Writing my thoughts

Is so difficult lately

It quickly draws my energy

Like a mountain suddenly

Appeared in my path and

It makes me feel defeated

I can't piece them together into

Words for structured sentences

It feels like too much

The constructing is arduous

There's the other thing too

A lot of insecurity regarding that 

So I put it aside for a while

It's all I manage to do now

- writing exercise... simple rhymes...

How awesome it'd be to be able to forget

How good it'd've been had we never met

Stumbled our way to where we could never get

As if our fates weren't already decided and set

Remember drawing each other's blood, made them fret,

But this incontrollable lust suggested it was our best bet

And it consumed us whole

Here we are broken whole

And there's no offset

And certainly no reset

There's no way to settle this soul debt

So like it or not, we'll always be a threat

To one another, and though it's not happened yet,

One day, we'll be the destruction of each other's net.

A consequence of having been

Through all that I've been through :

I'm able to relate and empathize

With many about what they've

Been through due to having had

First-hand experiences of many

Terrible things of all sorts, which

Is probably why people are drawn

To confide in me very personally.

Trauma, fear, sadness and pain were

The first things I learned of life,

So I have a deep understanding

On how they affect a person

For having had to deal with

The damages they caused me.

I think those who confide in me

Somehow feel that from me even if they

Don't know all I've been through.

People I know, but complete strangers,

Too, have a tendency to open up to me,

To confide very personal struggles.

I don't mind, but it sometimes takes

Me aback because it's all unprompted,

Especially when the person is a stranger

At the bus stop or at the shopping centre,

They tell me deeply personal things,

And I can't say what it is about me

That makes them open up like that.

They don't know anything about me at all,

I just smiled at them and said 'Bonjour', 

And from there, they just talk to me.

I wonder what it is that makes them

Do that, is it a vibe I give off?

I've been through a lot, but they don't

Know that, so not sure why I find

Myself in this situation so frequently.

Most people I know do not experience

These sorts of moments, so that's why

I'm left wondering what causes perfect

Strangers to want to open up to me.

As I said, I don't mind, but it puzzles me

Some, 'cause I'm no one to these people,

Just a stranger who smiled and said hello,

One they'll never see again after that.

Think there're many hurt lonely people out there...

I have two first names as my first name

And two middle names

To make it difficult

My two first names composing

My first name don't have a hyphen

As is customary in Québec

So my second first name constantly

Gets entered as my family name

Because no one figures it's a

Composed first name without hyphen

So I'm constantly addressed

As my second first name and family 

Name as my family name from clients

Everyone never gets it right the first time

You wouldn't believe the trouble this causes

Making my identity be a few names

All those wrong recordings in different

Computer systems like that create

An administrative mess, aside the

Consequences on my life's organization

Incorrect birth certificate, incorrect ID cards

Incorrect login credentials, the list goes on

I get that it's uncommon, but come on...

This is past the beyond ridiculous point

And the days to weeks it takes to sort out,

As if I was the one who'd made the mistake

Really takes the cake, not a source of joy, for sure

- sometimes feels like I have to explain myself as if what I'm doing is very unusual...

I pay a monthly visit

at a place I get errands,

and the security guard

always opens the doors for me,

which is really helpful seeing

as I walk around with poles, so

today he finally asked what that

was about, and I explained.

His immediate reaction

Was to ask where my kids

Are to take care of me,

Since I'm alone at the store.

I told him my kids were

Off taking care of their lives,

As they should, and that

My husband is there for that.

He pointed out he wasn't.

I told him that he really was,

But that I'm pretty stubborn

When it comes to this;

I'll keep doing what I can

Until I can't anymore, so

Since I still can now, I do.

It's bad enough I'm limited

And can't get around much.

I get it may look difficult,

And I probably should have

Someone with me to help,

But I'm not completely there yet.

At some point, this will be

Inevitable, so I'm ok to wait

Before the choice isn't mine.

In the meanwhile, when I can,

I will go places on my own.

Your impression isn't wrong,

It is a bit difficult to get around,

But eventually, I won't be able to...

Now I can, so taking advantage of it.

- she's wholly unimpressed... 

It's really like a wave

Of sheer exasperation

That washes over her

Whenever she's stuck

Having to deal with

Someone like you...

The things that come out of your

Mouth, not to mention what you

Do, greatly convince that you are

A sorry sod, so uninteresting...

None of it gives off a feeling

You have a pampered intellect.

And well, let's admit it, patience

For stupidity isn't her strongsuit.

He answered everything

All of the time

Never once missed

He'd fire away the answers                  (not reruns of the show either)

That's how watching Jeopardy

With Freddie was like

It was quite astonishing

But that was Freddie

A wealth of knowledge

Like no one else has

It was definitely outstanding

He retained everything he learned

It was entertaining to watch him

Truly enjoying this show

He obviously found it a lof of fun

Which made it a lot of fun for me too

The thing, too, is although he was

So knowledgeable, no attitude came with it,

There never was any air he's better than you,

He was just being himself with you.

It was just Freddie.

- my grand-father (step) was quite the character... a scientist through and through, a man in his own world, for sure... a very intelligent man... chemistry, physics, pure mathematics he was a genius at... earned himself a scholarship to Cambridge where he proved or disproved one of Ramanujan's theories... was involved during the war in ballistics...

I remember as a young high school student asking him for help on one of my geometry assignments where I had to figure out the calculations for the irregular shape's area... and he gave me every possible measure possible in the space of a few quick minutes during our call, going as far as how many molecules there were in that irregular shape...

I was not very good in math, but how I learned with this man about all sorts of things on a diverse array of topics... in his later years, after having been a university professor in mathematics, he translated pure mathematics from Russian to English... he learned Russian while riding the bus to Cambridge!  I'd sit hours in his study with him while he did his translations...  I had a spot to sit at his desk, so I learned the Russian alphabet, praticed writing out the letters, and went as far as being able to read Russian a bit when I was 11. He also helped me learn English and we discussed writing together... 

He was unique and the way his mind worked definitely was not like everyone else's around...  I absolutely adored him... he was in my life for only 3 years, but they were memorable years... 

 ..

he spoke with a very proper English... so when he made that exclamation the way he did, it was all Freddie... :)

He was born 14 September 1914 in Nova Scotia... died in 1993 in Québec... 

I remember when my grand-father

Was in the hospital at the end of his life

And how incredibly annoyed he became

When the nurses were around him

Doing what nurses do for their patients

And he let out, in the most exasperated

Calm tone, that he could not for the life of

Him understand all of the fuss since clearly

He was only dying!  Everyone paused

A moment in stunned silence, and I can

Honestly say that I fully got what he meant

A bit of peace and quiet before going

Seemed a most reasonable wish to me

Thankfully, everyone did back off

And he went peacefully a few hours later

He was an amazing and unique man

All these years later, he's still such a big loss

J'en suis plus capable,

car rien de tout ceci n'apporte

quoi que ce soit, c'est juste

moi qui se fait ignorer et qui

ne vaut même pas une minute

de ton temps à répétition,

alors il n'y a plus de raisons

à ce que j'y mette des efforts.

Ton silence en dit long

et j'ai décidé de l'écouter.

- for my sons... young adults with good hearts and good heads figuring out their lives and doing it well... 

for a while, things were not going so well for them, not at all... but now they're leading the way... both on the cusp of promotions in their careers, one with a family, and the other, wanting a nicer place to start his family... they are doing so very well, and they are both happy... I'm beaming with happiness aside the pride... 

I'm so proud of you,

It's not easy to notice

Your problems and

To address them.

You did and you are,

Taking the time to find

Resolutions to make

Things better for yourself.

And it's evidently working,

Look where you're at,

Things are positively moving

Forward for you, it's happening.

It's wonderful to see your goals

Are so clear and on their

Way to being realized,

I'm so very happy for you.

A mother's heart is all smiles.