IB M

Il m'a dit qu'il faut y aller

qu'un jour à la fois,

de prendre son temps,

de respirer, et tout ira bien.

He'd said to me that I need to go at it

only day at a time,

to take my time,

to breathe, and everything will be fine.

Il m'a aussi dit qu'il fallait

que je me livre à l'amour divine

et que je me laisse guider par elle...

Mais c'est là qu'il m'a perdu.

He'd also said that I needed

to surrender myself to divine love

and let myself be guided by it...

But that's where he lost me.

Sans irrespect à son égard,

je lui ai confié à ce moment

que j'étais incapable de

concevoir qu'une telle idée existe

Without any disrespect toward him,

I confided in him at that point

that I was incapable to

conceive such an idea exists

Ou de créer une connexion

à une telle pensée non plus.

Je ne peux même pas imaginer

en quoi cela aurait du sens.

or that I can create a connection

to such a thought either.

I can't even imagine

how that would make any sense.

Il m'a regardé un peu étonné

et avec un peu de tristesse, je crois,

mais il m'a dit que je n'avais qu'à

m'ouvrir à l'idée et la laisser me guider.

He'd looked at me a little astonished

and with a bit of sadness, I think,

but he'd said that I only needed to

open myself up to the idea and let it guide me.

Ses mots me restent en tête

même après toutes ces années,

tout comme mon incompréhension,

mais j'ai toujours su qu'il disait ça

His words stay in mind

even after all of these years,

just like my incomprehension,

but I always knew he said this

parce qu'il ne voulait que mon bien.

Il ne me comprenait pas, j'ne le comprenais pas,

mais je sais ce qu'il disait venait du coeur,

au moins ça qui était certain de la situation. 

because he only wanted the best for me.

He didn't understand me, I didn't understand him,

but what he said came from the heart,

at least that was clear in this situation.

- although this does exactly what I said I wouldn't do, just letting it off my chest this once and I'll be done... may not be the best way, but sorry, I have enough of my own things to deal with without adding this stress on top of it all...  

As if it wasn't already enough

That we're having our space,

Our time, and our attention

Highjacked by this consumate

Asshole, we also have to contend

With everyone expressing their

Disbelief and discontent about him.

Everywhere you find yourself,

It's inescapable, everyone's talking

About it all, unloading their stress.                 

And, well, although I understand,

I want no part of it.  I refuse to know

The details about anything he says or

Does, 'cause what's the point?

Idiocy and mindlessness

Padded in sheer callousness

And self-serving purposes

Don't change with more details.

So I remove myself from such talks

And skip anything that mentions him.      (or his cronies)

Because I just can't.

I completely refuse

To have any of my time

Be spent on such a vile character.

I don't need the details to know

It's all bad, that's an established

Given, as well as the damage

He's causing, no surprises there.

It's not me burying my head in sand, but

Furthering our feelings of powerlessness

Doesn't strike as the best course of action.

So to preserve my well-being, my mind,

I don't want to hear what he said,

I don't want to know his latest actions,

'Cause the details really don't make a difference

To the fact it's all incredibly terrible, but expected.

Doesn't change that we can't do anything about it,

'Cause apparently once someone is elected,

There's nothing in place to stop them if they veer.

So for that, I choose to starve him of my attention.

It's the only thing this guy truly deserves in the first place.

- plus con que ça, tu meurs est une expression... un peu difficile à traduire... 

plus con que ça, tu meurs is an expression... a bit difficult to translate... 

c'est à s'demander des fois...

j'ai d'la misère à suivre,

ta logique est si erronée,

mais ça semble t'passer

des mètres par-dessus la tête.

It's a wonder at times...

I'm having trouble following,

Your logic is so flawed,

Yet that seems to go over

Your head by meters.

comment peut-on être si

unaware?

ça n'a pas d'sens.

plus con que ça,

tu meurs, tant qu'à moi.

How can one be so

Unaware?

It doesn't make sense.

Any dumber than that,

you'd die, IMHO.

Unlike most of the other kids

On the streets, I was homeless

Not because I was thrown out,

I was there to keep myself away

From the craziness at home.

I decided this when I was twelve,

And that's when I started roaming

The streets at night and stayed there.

True, there were a lot of troubled

Folks around that environment too,

But it all felt a lot more manageable

Than what was going on at home.

So I met all sorts, did all sorts a preteen

Shouldn't be doing, of course, and this

Would be my life until early adulthood.

Depression and pain were already

A prevalent part of my life at that point,

And the need to make it stop very strong,

So I did an inordinate amount of drugs

For days on end that turned into years

Just so to not feel anymore...

It was that or I kill myself directly.

Granted, this caused other problems,

And it sure wasn't the best solution

I could have come up for myself.

Luckily for me, all this severe substance

Abuse didn't turn into addiction issues.

I was surrounded by many who had them,

Though, and on a few occasions, it brought

On life-threatening situations my way.

One of those situations would change me

For the rest of my life, it's when a friend of

Mine, who was a hardcore heroin addict,

Lost his head one night and beat me to death,

After having spent three days without heroin.

I was a naïve girl at the time, who cared

About people, not realizing how dangerous

Things can get when a heroin addict can't

Get a fix.  I only wanted to help, but that turned

Into a nightmare as fast as a lightning strike.

For years after that, I was not the same,

And completely gripped by terror making

It impossible to do day-to-day activities

Or be in contact with people in any way.

Severe isolation's been the norm a good part.

I officially left the streets at twenty, when

I found out I was expecting my first son.

My instincts were clear that my baby didn't

Need to be in this environment in any way,

So I left everyone I knew there, disappeared.

It feels like a lifetime ago those years,

And in some respect, as if it's someone

Else's story, although I know it's mine.

Just that life now is so far removed from

All I'd known of life for the longest time...

So when I reflect on it all,

There's a feeling of surprise

About how far I've come 'cause

I can't explain how the peace I

Found came to settle like it did.

It's difficult to describe, 

But I can say I'm ok now.

All of that drawn out mayhem

And its debilitating impacts

No longer hold the reigns.

I'm not terrified or gripped by fear,

I go out of my place without a thought,

I see people and talk with them a lot more.

Sure, I still have anxiety to deal with,

But I manage it a hell of a lot better now.

My surprise comes because for so long

I never thought I'd be able to get myself

Out from all of these difficulties, years

So far were indicating it'd never happen.

And then I did and I don't know how.

It feels like it just happened one day

Without my knowledge, and eventually,

I noticed that something was different

With me, how I wasn't feeling the usual

Pain anymore, it just wasn't there at all.

It just finally left me somehow.

Maybe it's because my mind came

To finish its processing of all these

Horrors and finally reached conclusions

It was satisfied with to let it all go.

As I said, I'm not really sure how it

Happened, but I do know I'm ok now.

Hello dear friends of Ken,

He contacted me this morning because he can't connect to PoetBay.  So he asked me to let you know that he is fine, just currently experiencing technical issues with his Internet connection.  He will return as soon as they're resolved!

- silent complaint about my clients sometimes... it's like people don't read anymore... 

Dear Doctors,

Please be assured

That I'm happy to assist,

But would it be too much

To ask you to actually

Go over the instructions

I sent you which couldn't

Be more visually adept at

Answering the very questions

You are once again asking me?

I swear, all the answers

Have already been provided.

It's not that I don't like assisting,

But my time is divided between

One hundred and three other doctors.

Could you just look over the tutorial?

I promise, I'm pretty good at making                   

Them very clear, please give it a try?            (all MDs agree they're really helpful)

I'm much bothered about saving time,

For you and for me.

- something strange happened with me recently which brought back up this topic... so in the last few weeks, I've been reflecting and processing... it's a problem I used to have during the years of my life when things were drastically not going well at all... but this has not been part of my life in years now... I know a lot of people don't understand why someone would even do something like that... I've heard a lot say it's for attention... but that doesn't strike true at all from my personal perspective... some thoughts on the topic... 

Nah, you're not getting it at all.

No one does this for attention,

In fact, everyone does it while

Hidden away, and do conceal it.

Attention is just not the driving force,

It's tumultuous psychological distress

That will make a person ignore all

Instincts of self-preservation, or care.

It's being so pained and overtaken

By it, that making a visual and

Physical representation of it is

Actually relieving in the moment.

It's a coping method, although maladaptive,

To make sense of the inner chaos and pain.

Actually seeing it in the form of a wound

Releases some of the high-end tension.

It also provides a semblance of control

Over a situation on its way to derail.

It's certainly a weird solution to the problem,

But you must keep note of the frame of mind:

You don't do that if you're well and happy.

It makes me feel so funny

When you say I'm strong,

'Cause it doesn't align with

How I'd say it's going inside

It's not what I see or feel, so to

Know you view it differently,

That kind of causes me pause,

And makes me wonder about it:

What gives this impression?

With all the stumbles along

The way, doesn't strike me like

Much of a show of strength,

And all those close calls too,

How these things are still to

Be dealt with to this day, none

Of it makes anyone feel strong

So it's a bit surprising to hear

See, what I think is required now

Is to deconstruct the twisted love

You feel toward creating, causing

Such terrible pain to yourself...

It just doesn't belong to you

And you don't deserve it

They only made you believe

These things to control you

Try to not let them rule your life

They're long gone, not important

Please don't carry on their violence

Things aren't meant to be this way

That twisted love you have needs

To be deconstructed, dismantled

It serves no constructive purpose

And it will one day only kill you

Like you'll have finished

What they started years ago...

Look at it from my perspective,

Why would I be ok with that?

Could never live down the shame...

- it made no sense considering I'm in no frame of mind for self-destruction... therapist says that it's not unusual with all the traumas I've been through that my nervous system may at times glitch and trigger old responses... even if there is no specific reason for it... 

It's the second time something like this happens... and both times took me aback, 'cause it came out of nowhere... The first time (years ago) I went through with the thoughts... and this time, I found it really hard, it was an all-out battle for 3 weeks to not do what my thoughts were obsessing over... it was also a very strange experience considering the circumstances... 

Remember that last weird time

When something unexpectedly

Triggered off something in me?

A bit freaked, I'd told you about it.

Something like that happened

Again, and like last time, it turned

Into a battle I didn't expect at all,

As it came right out of the blue.

Still not sure what the trigger was,

Considering everything in my life

Is world's apart from what usually

Puts me in these states, I don't know.

It's like my body suddenly having

Started to feel the sensations of an

Old story I hadn't thought about in

Years kicked something off in me.

And like last time, it took me by surprise,

But brought on quite the shock to realize

I still have a deep feeling of satisfaction

At the thought of causing myself damage.

Surprised at how quickly those sensations

Turned my waking moments into obsessive

Ruminations of causing bloody visuals to

Revel in and making sure it hurts like hell,

As if any of that made any sense at all.

But most surprising is how thoughts thrived

Even though I wasn't in that frame of mind;

Never happened before and it threw me off.

It did take a while for me to bring all of this

Down, stop it from turning the thoughts

Into actions, with a few close calls where

My resolve was stretched, but I succeeded :

No blood.

I'm fine.

Like last time,

A momentary blip.

I held on to the fact there's no reason for it,

And since I'm not one to do things for no

Reason, I couldn't disregard the contradiction

Or the fact it made no sense for me to do now.

I guess that's what helped me out of there.