IB M

- plus con que ça, tu meurs est une expression... un peu difficile à traduire... 

plus con que ça, tu meurs is an expression... a bit difficult to translate... 

c'est à s'demander des fois...

j'ai d'la misère à suivre,

ta logique est si erronée,

mais ça semble t'passer

des mètres par-dessus la tête.

It's a wonder at times...

I'm having trouble following,

Your logic is so flawed,

Yet that seems to go over

Your head by meters.

comment peut-on être si

unaware?

ça n'a pas d'sens.

plus con que ça,

tu meurs, tant qu'à moi.

How can one be so

Unaware?

It doesn't make sense.

Any dumber than that,

you'd die, IMHO.

Unlike most of the other kids

On the streets, I was homeless

Not because I was thrown out,

I was there to keep myself away

From the craziness at home.

I decided this when I was twelve,

And that's when I started roaming

The streets at night and stayed there.

True, there were a lot of troubled

Folks around that environment too,

But it all felt a lot more manageable

Than what was going on at home.

So I met all sorts, did all sorts a preteen

Shouldn't be doing, of course, and this

Would be my life until early adulthood.

Depression and pain were already

A prevalent part of my life at that point,

And the need to make it stop very strong,

So I did an inordinate amount of drugs

For days on end that turned into years

Just so to not feel anymore...

It was that or I kill myself directly.

Granted, this caused other problems,

And it sure wasn't the best solution

I could have come up for myself.

Luckily for me, all this severe substance

Abuse didn't turn into addiction issues.

I was surrounded by many who had them,

Though, and on a few occasions, it brought

On life-threatening situations my way.

One of those situations would change me

For the rest of my life, it's when a friend of

Mine, who was a hardcore heroin addict,

Lost his head one night and beat me to death,

After having spent three days without heroin.

I was a naïve girl at the time, who cared

About people, not realizing how dangerous

Things can get when a heroin addict can't

Get a fix.  I only wanted to help, but that turned

Into a nightmare as fast as a lightning strike.

For years after that, I was not the same,

And completely gripped by terror making

It impossible to do day-to-day activities

Or be in contact with people in any way.

Severe isolation's been the norm a good part.

I officially left the streets at twenty, when

I found out I was expecting my first son.

My instincts were clear that my baby didn't

Need to be in this environment in any way,

So I left everyone I knew there, disappeared.

It feels like a lifetime ago those years,

And in some respect, as if it's someone

Else's story, although I know it's mine.

Just that life now is so far removed from

All I'd known of life for the longest time...

So when I reflect on it all,

There's a feeling of surprise

About how far I've come 'cause

I can't explain how the peace I

Found came to settle like it did.

It's difficult to describe, 

But I can say I'm ok now.

All of that drawn out mayhem

And its debilitating impacts

No longer hold the reigns.

I'm not terrified or gripped by fear,

I go out of my place without a thought,

I see people and talk with them a lot more.

Sure, I still have anxiety to deal with,

But I manage it a hell of a lot better now.

My surprise comes because for so long

I never thought I'd be able to get myself

Out from all of these difficulties, years

So far were indicating it'd never happen.

And then I did and I don't know how.

It feels like it just happened one day

Without my knowledge, and eventually,

I noticed that something was different

With me, how I wasn't feeling the usual

Pain anymore, it just wasn't there at all.

It just finally left me somehow.

Maybe it's because my mind came

To finish its processing of all these

Horrors and finally reached conclusions

It was satisfied with to let it all go.

As I said, I'm not really sure how it

Happened, but I do know I'm ok now.

Hello dear friends of Ken,

He contacted me this morning because he can't connect to PoetBay.  So he asked me to let you know that he is fine, just currently experiencing technical issues with his Internet connection.  He will return as soon as they're resolved!

- silent complaint about my clients sometimes... it's like people don't read anymore... 

Dear Doctors,

Please be assured

That I'm happy to assist,

But would it be too much

To ask you to actually

Go over the instructions

I sent you which couldn't

Be more visually adept at

Answering the very questions

You are once again asking me?

I swear, all the answers

Have already been provided.

It's not that I don't like assisting,

But my time is divided between

One hundred and three other doctors.

Could you just look over the tutorial?

I promise, I'm pretty good at making                   

Them very clear, please give it a try?            (all MDs agree they're really helpful)

I'm much bothered about saving time,

For you and for me.

- something strange happened with me recently which brought back up this topic... so in the last few weeks, I've been reflecting and processing... it's a problem I used to have during the years of my life when things were drastically not going well at all... but this has not been part of my life in years now... I know a lot of people don't understand why someone would even do something like that... I've heard a lot say it's for attention... but that doesn't strike true at all from my personal perspective... some thoughts on the topic... 

Nah, you're not getting it at all.

No one does this for attention,

In fact, everyone does it while

Hidden away, and do conceal it.

Attention is just not the driving force,

It's tumultuous psychological distress

That will make a person ignore all

Instincts of self-preservation, or care.

It's being so pained and overtaken

By it, that making a visual and

Physical representation of it is

Actually relieving in the moment.

It's a coping method, although maladaptive,

To make sense of the inner chaos and pain.

Actually seeing it in the form of a wound

Releases some of the high-end tension.

It also provides a semblance of control

Over a situation on its way to derail.

It's certainly a weird solution to the problem,

But you must keep note of the frame of mind:

You don't do that if you're well and happy.

It makes me feel so funny

When you say I'm strong,

'Cause it doesn't align with

How I'd say it's going inside

It's not what I see or feel, so to

Know you view it differently,

That kind of causes me pause,

And makes me wonder about it:

What gives this impression?

With all the stumbles along

The way, doesn't strike me like

Much of a show of strength,

And all those close calls too,

How these things are still to

Be dealt with to this day, none

Of it makes anyone feel strong

So it's a bit surprising to hear

See, what I think is required now

Is to deconstruct the twisted love

You feel toward creating, causing

Such terrible pain to yourself...

It just doesn't belong to you

And you don't deserve it

They only made you believe

These things to control you

Try to not let them rule your life

They're long gone, not important

Please don't carry on their violence

Things aren't meant to be this way

That twisted love you have needs

To be deconstructed, dismantled

It serves no constructive purpose

And it will one day only kill you

Like you'll have finished

What they started years ago...

Look at it from my perspective,

Why would I be ok with that?

Could never live down the shame...

- it made no sense considering I'm in no frame of mind for self-destruction... therapist says that it's not unusual with all the traumas I've been through that my nervous system may at times glitch and trigger old responses... even if there is no specific reason for it... 

It's the second time something like this happens... and both times took me aback, 'cause it came out of nowhere... The first time (years ago) I went through with the thoughts... and this time, I found it really hard, it was an all-out battle for 3 weeks to not do what my thoughts were obsessing over... it was also a very strange experience considering the circumstances... 

Remember that last weird time

When something unexpectedly

Triggered off something in me?

A bit freaked, I'd told you about it.

Something like that happened

Again, and like last time, it turned

Into a battle I didn't expect at all,

As it came right out of the blue.

Still not sure what the trigger was,

Considering everything in my life

Is world's apart from what usually

Puts me in these states, I don't know.

It's like my body suddenly having

Started to feel the sensations of an

Old story I hadn't thought about in

Years kicked something off in me.

And like last time, it took me by surprise,

But brought on quite the shock to realize

I still have a deep feeling of satisfaction

At the thought of causing myself damage.

Surprised at how quickly those sensations

Turned my waking moments into obsessive

Ruminations of causing bloody visuals to

Revel in and making sure it hurts like hell,

As if any of that made any sense at all.

But most surprising is how thoughts thrived

Even though I wasn't in that frame of mind;

Never happened before and it threw me off.

It did take a while for me to bring all of this

Down, stop it from turning the thoughts

Into actions, with a few close calls where

My resolve was stretched, but I succeeded :

No blood.

I'm fine.

Like last time,

A momentary blip.

I held on to the fact there's no reason for it,

And since I'm not one to do things for no

Reason, I couldn't disregard the contradiction

Or the fact it made no sense for me to do now.

I guess that's what helped me out of there.

So how do you like them apples?

Are they enough to make you grapple

With the enormity of your stupidity?

Oh dear God, tell us you finally see.

You really shouldn't be doing this

The way you do like it's some bliss,

It never has been, it will never be.

For goodness' sake, can you not see?

You fall for this deceit every time

As if you didn't learn the last time.

You believe flawed reasonings

That lead you to harmful things.

And every time we pick you back up,

And try to convince you to give it up.

If you carry on like this much longer,

Your demise will only be the stronger.

So now, how do you like them apples?

Are they enough to make you grapple

With the enormity of your stupidity?

Do you need more clues to finally see?

Oh dear God, knock some sense into her.

- confronting obsessive thoughts...

Here's her shifting

The hate away from

Herself to beat you at

Your own game finally.

See, you will not win,

I won't let it happen.

We've been through

This before, we know

That you're not at all

Targetting the right

One in this story, and

It's time for you to leave.

You will not make her

Do anything to herself,

There's no reason for that,

So, I tell you, this is over.

You will not succeed.