IB M

- it isn't that I hold it against my father for what he did... but it's not stuff you forget or that don't have an impact on how you feel... I mean, it's like a red-hot burner, once your hand's touched it, you won't put it back there again... that kind of feeling... 

My brother is psychiatrically ill,

And neurodivergent as well,

So his memories and how he lived

Them are vastly different than mine.

And when it comes to our father,

My brother has always retained

That need he always sought to

Meet with the man:  approval.

He was abused and harshly mistreated

As a child, 'cause our father just

Couldn't accept he wasn't 'normal', like

It was an indictment on his manlihood.

Called him stupid, berated him, swore at

Him, knocked him off things, and hit him.

At two, he asked him to get the Phillips

Screwdriver and threw him accross

The room, 'cause he didn't get the right one.

That kind of stuff, always like this with him,

Until the day we packed up and ran away

From home to never return.  But none of that

Made my brother ever distance himself, and

He kept on hoping for that approval, never

Realizing he's expecting the impossible

From a very broken person who just can't.

I won't go into what he did to me or my 

Mother, but horrible puts it a bit lightly...

It's like my brother and I don't remember

The same things, and I find it very bizarre...

It's sad that he can't see he'll never get it.

She comes to a serious point where

Certainty starts to take a big tumble,

'Cause there's really not much to be

Constructed from a heap of silence,

And one-way anything is so very

Unreassuring, it's undescribable,

As well as it inevitably always tenders

An inescapable hard blow to all peace.

So she comes to a down point where

Forms serious doubts she'll carry on,

'Cause she deserves so much better...

- my brother contacted me today to let me know that our father (77) has been admitted to a hospice for end-of-life palliative care in August for a brain tumor and his prognosis is about 3 months...

thank you for the comments on my last two posts... I'll be answering over the weekend...

I really don't know how I feel about this

Considering all of the devastating history.

My brother asked if I'll go visit him, 

But I get the feeling that wouldn't be

A good idea, or beneficial for anyone.

Haven't spoken or seen each other in

Over twenty years, so I think it'd be

Awfully awkward for me to show up.

And in the state he's in, I'm thinking

It's the kind of thing that could cause

Distress, and I don't wish to bring that.

So I really don't know where I'm at

With all of this, have to think about it.

Hello Demarcus Kerr,

I received your unexpected email

Announcing to me that you have

Hacked my computer, have access

To everything, and even recorded

Me pleasuring myself while I was

On a porn site, and that you would

Publish it to all my contacts if I

Didn't send you 1300$ USD to

Your bitcoin account promptly.

The thing is, Demarcus, what you

Claim is complete nonsense as

There's no way you recorded me

Doing any such thing, 'cause this

May come as a shock to you, but

Porn sites aren't my thing at all,

So you definitely didn't catch me

Visiting such a site, impossible.

What a scam you're involved with, 

You should be ashamed of yourself

For causing such distress to others

Just for the sake of making money.

Taking advantage of the less tech-

Savvy as you do is truly disgusting.

Where's your self-pride, and honor?

Where's your sense of community?

What pleasure is it to hurt others?

Seriously, what's the matter with you?

So tired of taking my time

For people who evidently

Don't think it's worth much.

So tired of making efforts

For people who clearly don't 

Consider I'm worth a minute.

So tired of the rudeness

People seem comfortable to

Throw my way somehow.

So tired of being nice to

People who don't care that I

Have feelings like everyone.

So tired of being treated

Like I don't matter at all,

And I think I'm quite done.

Freedom of speech

Is not freedom of aggression

I tend to agree that

Is a huge difference

Perhaps nuance's too subtle

To be detected nowadays?

- separatists are those who believe that we as a French-speaking society are a distinct culture from the rest of Canada and should not be part of Canada, and be its own French country... although I'm French Québécoise, it's not a sentiment I share... 

I do love where I live,

Was born here and have

Lived here my whole life,

But the one thing I don't

Like about it is all that

Nonsense about French.

And let's be clear, my

Father is a French

Québécois, my first

Language is French;

I learned English when

I was twelve years old,

'Cause I'm a nut for

Languages, always been.

I'm not big on politics,

But the ones that exist

Where I live are not

Possible to not notice,

'Cause laws are put in

Place on spurious beliefs

About our culture and

Language being under

Threat, which is totally

Ludicrous, and in many

Respects, very small-

Minded and alarmist.

You see, there's this

Whole saga centuries-

Old about the French

And the English here,

And since at one point

The English ruled and

Were the more affluent

Members of society, it's

Been a sore point for

What seems forever.

Generations have been

Brought up with the

BS point of view that

We must preserve our

Culture and language,

And must not allow

English from ever being

Able to be prominent,

To such an extent that

Bilinguism is tossed as

Any concept of being 

Anything that is good.

It's almost viewed as a

Betrayal if you know

English for some hard

Core separatists here.

There's such a tension

Between the communities

That it wasn't uncommon

For me to be bad-mouthed

On the bus for speaking

English with my mates,

Having been told quite a

Few times 'On est au

Québec icitte, ostie'.

Meaning we speak French

Here, you better speak it.

So we have generations

Of unilingual French-

Speaking people as the

Norm, 'cause our laws

Have everything in place

To make it very difficult,

And very expensive,

To use another language

In the public as well as

The commercial spheres

Of our dear society.

Business names must be

French, signs must have

Larger lettered French

In prominence, products

Must have a French

User guide, services

Must be in French and

No entity of any kind

Is required to offer

English services even

Though Canada is a

Bilingual country.

Immigrants who come to

Our province are required

To learn French, can obtain

Services in another language

For six months, but after

That, they must use French.

Recently passed this law

That even doctors will not

Be allowed to carry on

Offering services in any

Other language but French.

It's absolute madness, all this.

There's also parents who want

To send their children to English

School, they must go through a

Long process of proving that

It's a justified request and

They must meet quite a few

Criteria to be approved

Before obtaining a certificate

From the government that

Will grant permission to

Send their children to English

Instead of French education.

Even websites must be

Prominently presented

In the French language.

It's all very embarrassing

Really, and so ridiculous.

If any of the rules are not

Followed, we have this

Body called the Office

Québécois de la langue

française which people

Can contact to complain,

And they do carry out

Inspections and issue

Hefty fines, we call them the

Language police, in all truth.

So yeah, this part is truly

Not to my liking, it's a sore

Point.  To me, it's like they're

Deliberately and willingly

Wanting to remain uneducated,

Limited in their options and

In their interactions with others.

Knowing more than one language

Is to me so valuable for so many 

Reasons both personally and

Practically, can't understand why

Anyone can feel so against it

On the grounds of protecting

Their language and culture.

Doesn't make much sense to me.

- first horse-drawn tramways ran in England in 1807... first cable-run tramways ran in San Francisco, US in 1873... Québec city has started building one... for the twenty-first century... huh?

For a number of years now

All we've been hearing

About is how good it'd be

For our city to modernize.

So, what did the geniuses

At city hall come up with?

Let's build a whole city-

Wide tramway network!

Is it just me, but isn't that

Far from being modern?

A throw-back to the 1800s

Doesn't strike as novelty,

Certainly doesn't scream

Modernization in any way.

Wonder where the link's made

That it's anywhere present-day.

It's really lost on me.

- yeah, my life is incredibly boring... but that's what's going on right now...

Omnis for omnipraticiens in French... which is general practitioners in English... we're a team of 8...

When I go to the office,

I have 500 metres to

Walk from the parking

Place I leave my car at

To the office, and I did

With my trekking poles

For the first time today.

Spent the whole day

Using my poles, and

It certainly helps me

Move much quicker                          (my manager made the remark about it too)

Than I have been in

The last few months.

So that's very different.

My arms are killing me,

And my wrists are indeed

Sore, but it's tolerable, so

I think I'll be ok with these.

The attention it brings me

Is still not something I like

Much, but I did notice that

People are being incredibly

Nice, not that they weren't                  (not just colleagues, even strangers when out)

Before, but we talked about

What's going on and they

Expressed support and even

Offered to let them know if

They can do something for me.

Must admit that lightened my

Feelings of awkwardness and

Discomfort about my condition.

I hadn't really told anyone, they

Just saw me limp and sort of

Hold on to the walls on the way

Without knowing why I am.                (felt really uncomfortable about that)

But now they know, and I'm

Feeling ok with that, and my

Going around with my trekking

Poles around the office is ok,

Not feeling as shy about it now

That I've done it.  Seems like

Today achieved a few victories.

I opened up to a group of five.             (my work team, we're known as the Omnis)

I used my trekking poles

All day quite successfully.

I walked a whole lot more today

And I'm no worse off in my pain.

It felt like I finally had a full day

Like I haven't been able to have

For so long now.  It was amazing.

So my optimism is on the rise,

I really think this is going to work.

The arms will need a bit of time

To strengthen, but I think that'll

Settle down and I'll be fine soon.

The wrists, well, we'll see in time...

But for now, it's all looking good.

- did get the trekking poles in the end yesterday... and I think they may work out... but have to get my muscles a little stronger first though... 

Oh boy, the trekking poles

Are at the moment proving

To be quite the work out on

The arms, they're burning.

So can't go very far with

Them just yet, still, I'm

Noticing less rubbing in hip

And knee, and that's good.

I'm encouraged even though

It's all very difficult right now.

I'm thinking with a bit more

Time, it'll strengthen me and

I'll experience the benefits

The stronger my muscles get.

So I need to be patient and

Persevere, it should work out.

My impression is that this

Will in fact be helpful once

My strength builds up more,

So sensing hope for the first

Time in a very long while.

Feeling like this may very

Well be the perfect option,

Feeling optimistic about it.

So I'll keep on and find out.