IB M

- last one... 

I'll tell you how it'll happen:

I will kill myself someday.

Not today, not tomorrow,

But deep down, I know it,

It's exactly how it'll turn out.

One day, I won't hold back,

'Cause there's so much one

Can take, and so many efforts

One can make, and peace is

An impossible elusive dream.

I don't have the resources,

Or skills, or wisdom to see

Me through, and the levels

Of exhaustion are killing

Every bit of will out of me.

So although I'm still hanging

On right now, that conclusion is

Purely inevitable, is the truth of it.

One day, I won't fight it anymore,

I'll rejoin that peace I once reached

But was snatched away from...

I remember it, I still crave it,

And I can't shake off my belief

That I should never have survived;

My life ended thirty years ago.

It should have remained ended,

So I know, someday I'll just go for it,

'Cause I'm not good enough to make it

Better for myself, no matter all of my

Efforts, the brokenness will always stay. 

There's no two ways about it.

Ah, ok, then.

I'll just shut up now.

My sons

My husband

My cats

Music

Writing                  (and of course the PoetBay friends since 2005)

Programming

The world that saved me

- hEDS prevents me from taking any medication 'cause my body reacts very unfavorably to everything I try, always get the worst side-effects possible of the drug... my body is incredibly weird for a lot of things... example, I was allergic to my own maternal milk, for goodness sake... caused huge mastitis and dermatitis... should have seen the doctor's face lol, he'd seen it in his books, but had never come across it in 30 years of practice...  

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, type hypermobility, is a genetic degenerative condition of the connective tissues (cartilage, tendons, ligaments)... mine have too much room to move around, so any movement can make them either pull, pinch, get stuck, rub which causes a lot of inflammation or injury... 

I've had this my whole life, of course, but it used to be an intermittent pain.. in the last 7 years, it's been chronic and I've had a couple episodes of complete immobilisation...

Because of this, the number of travels (going to work, grocery, etc) are carefully calculated in my week and monitored to make sure I don't go over what I can handle physically... any outing must not be a situation where there's walking for more than 15 minutes or else my joints will flare up or get injured and I'll need a couple days of recuperation... 

It's definitely noticeably worse lately... and I'm trying to not let it get me down, but... you know...

The relief of physical pain:

A hopeless dream at this point.

It's a chronic state of affairs

With no solution in sight.

As pain increases, my mobility

Decreases right along with it.

And I have to find ways

To not pay attention to it.

But it's getting increasingly

Difficult to achieve 'cause

This body of mine's screaming

All of the damn time now.

Must confess, so exhausted.

Feeling unimportant,

Somewhat unloved,

And wondering to myself

What's causing this state.

Perhaps it's my binding

My identity and self-worth

In relation to those I love

That affects things this way.

'Cause those I love most have

A tendency to take for granted,

And are often comfortable to

Not take into account my feelings.

I don't believe that they mean ill,

They're just used to me being there,

And me always making concessions,

So I guess it's become invisible.

Little attention is given to me,

And it makes me wonder,

Maybe I've done something wrong

To find myself in this position.

Something's off, that's for sure,

But I can't figure it out clearly.

All I've ever done is love them,

Seems it's not a feeling they share.

I don't know.

- people I met while I roamed the streets in my youth... I think these things are popping in mind 'cause the office where I work is right downtown... where all of those things happened... so I have a lot of reminders, I guess... 

Bouba was 27... way too old for us at the time... 

There was also the morning

We met Bouba that was memorable,

To this day, I see it all so clearly.

Syl and I were sitting on the Bedo stairs

On rue St-Jean around 6 am finishing our LSD trip

We'd been giggling about for most of the night.

And all of a sudden, we heard a loud incident

Of someone hurling violently down the street,

The guy must have been at least 500 meters away!

But oh, it was loud and violent, we felt squeamish.

We shortly after saw him stagger his way toward us,

And once he reached us, he of course stopped for a chat.

He was so wasted, and what a sight he was:

Dread-locks sticking around his head, a bit dusty,

His eyes a bright yellow, and dressed as a hippie.

He could hardly stand and was chancelling on the spot,

Talking away, introducing himself, and retelling his night.

Despite his state, he seemed pretty peppy and enthusiastic.

So that's how we came into contact with Bouba,

And thereafter, he was a regular presence around us.

Obviously a hard-core drug user, but what a character.

Don't know how many times we found him out of his head,

A few grams of pure PCP or shots of heroin were his thing,

And we'd be worried he wouldn't make it through the night.

Yet he always laughed,

The peace and love guy

Who was always positive.

That's Bouba.

- I live in Québec city, in the province of Québec, in Canada... we have universal care, so our physicians have to request their pay from RAMQ (health ministry)...

Régie de l'assurance maladie du Québec (RAMQ)

it is a very complicated set of billing rules to follow for all medical disciplines, and with all the constant negotiations, they are ever changing, too, so my job is to assist physicians in preparing and sending their pay request to RAMQ following all of those rules... I'm an intermediary between the physician and the ministry... and I'm specifically at the assistance of the physician and I'm not affiliated with the ministry... 

I used to take care of 188 psychiatrists... but after my return to work in April after my break, at my request, I now take care of general practioners... I'm still in training, so my number is not set yet...

my job is all a very technological environment... and with what happened with Covid, it opened the door to hybrid time schedules for work... I only need to go to the office twice a week, and the rest of the week is done from home... it's absolutely perfect for me... 

I forgot to mention that I also translate RAMQ's French Newsletters into English that are sent out to our clients, as well as review, correct the French of our system macros and translate them to English... 

I'm a medical billing technician

Who helps physicians prepare

Their request for pay from RAMQ.

I make sure all the billing conforms

To all of the rules put in place by the

Ministry and the medical association.

I verify each of their billing grids,

As well as their account statements,

And make the necessary corrections.

If information is missing or the billing code

Is incorrect preventing the transmission,

I contact the physician to resolve the issue.

Once all of their billing has been verified,

And corrections have been finalized,

I then transmit their pay request to RAMQ.

I also answer their questions, assist with

The billing platform, explain the infinite

Billing rules, interpret the services rendered,

To provide the billing codes that correspond.

And of course, make suggestions

To optimize the physicians' billing.

It's a constant attention to detail,

Quite challenging, and I love it.

- if you've ever experienced isolation in your life, how did you go about resolving it?

before and during the agoraphobia, isolation is something I dealt with... now my isolation is far less extreme because I do see people I work with... but that isolation I feel is still something I'm dealing with now... and not sure how to resolve it...

Sure, I'm content and comfortable

In my quiet, alone time in life,

But these days, the perpetual aloneness

Is starting to have a bothering effect.

It's this constant isolation which

Seems to me has been the norm

For as long as I can go back in time,

Is there really a way to resolve that?

Can a foundation be completely rebuilt?

My doubts are growing as time goes by.

- oh mind, mind... you're a sincere pain in the ass at times...

Oh no, looks as though

You're on your way

To a bit of a slump there.

Do we really want that?

Think about it, my dear,

We don't need to go there,

'Cause you know too well

How all of that turns out.

Things are quite good,

You're doing as well,

So come, give it a break.

Won't you listen to me

For once?  

Please?

- as mentioned in a previous post, my mother is also afflicted with dissociative identity disorder... at age 21, one of her identities introduced themselves to me for the first time... although I'd known this 'person' since childhood... but I had no clue then that's what was going on... I knew that I knew this 'person' because of the eyes... there's a look in the eyes (and a vibe) that is completely different than my mother's usual...

on this day, she introduced herself to me as Tina, and the language, the mannerisms, the gait, the movement of her body, the attitude, it was someone else's... That day made me understand for the first time what we'd been dealing with all this time...

a little backstory to the circumstances... I left the streets when I found out that I was expecting my first son 'cause it was clear in my mind that I wouldn't put my son through that... and at the time, my brother had also went through a psychosis (he's afflicted with schizophrenia) ... and seeing as we'd always been close, and considering the fragile state he was in, I moved back closer to my family because he trusted me more than anyone else around him... so my mother was back in my life at that time just as my boy was about to be born... needless to say, it was not the best decision I made... but during that time, I helped my brother with his medical follow-ups, meds, talking with doctors, etc... as well as deal with my mother's psychiatric issues that were also active... 

I have to admit, when I describe all of this to you, it makes me realize that I had quite a lot to deal with and I can remember the stress... but it's just how it was with my family... 

Tina surprisingly told me that I was her favorite of Micheline's 4 children... could have fooled me?

It was an ordinary day like any other,

Not much of note was going on.

I'd come back home, and I forget the

Circumstances, but my mother appeared.

Immediately, I felt something was off.

Then she started talking, expressing herself,

And I was taken aback by the incessant cursing

And the rough demeanor she was displaying.

Before long, I found myself before a foul-mouthed,

Aggressive lesbian named Tina bashing all men on Earth,

And boisterously cracking the dirtiest jokes unimaginable,

With one leg up and foot on the chair like a cowboy,

Smoking away in that position, legs spread, and

Crassly unloading on and on in details about men.

This went on for quite a while, and I sat there,

Listened and observed, trying to take in my sight.

That gaze in her eyes, I recognized it from childhood,

Except then, she never said anything in those moments,

She'd just stand in the doorframe of a room, and stare

At me without ever uttering a word, it was a hard stare;

She'd scare the hell out of me when she did that.

On that day, it was those same eyes that were before me

As Tina, and all of a sudden, I could piece together 

That those moments were about her having switched. 

Some don't believe in this disorder, some do,

But whatever it is, real or faked, it was clearly happening.

The person before me was truly not my mother,

It was a completely different personality talking to me.

Seeing as I had no idea how on Earth to deal with this,

I sought information from our local resource centre

On health and services for the community to get expert

Advice on how to best help my mother through this,

And also how to best live with this on a more personal level.

It wasn't much help unfortunately 'cause the professionals there

Were gawking and in awe of me and how lucid I am in my situation.

To this day, I haven't the foggiest idea why they were so surprised.

What were they expecting?  I'm the one who has to deal with it,

It's in my face, you can't miss it in any shape or form.

You'd have to be awfully dull in the head to not notice it is what

I've always felt about that, so it's always left me dumbfounded.

Anyhow, to say this situation was stressful puts it lightly.