IB M

- my mother is afflicted with bipolar disorder with psychotic manias, muliple personality disorder (now called dissociative identity disorder), borderline personality disorder, bulimia... she also behaves in every way like a sociopath... and nothing that comes out of her mouth is ever the truth, it's all made up ... also it's like people around her are part of a play only she knows about, and unbeknownst to them, they have a purpose in her play... and she's the director...

there are so many instances involving her that are completely bizarre and so difficult to explain... but for this one,  I've never been able to shake off the suspicions... the horrifying feeling the thought gave me then hasn't really subsided now when I think of this incident...

sorry, therapy is bringing up all these thoughts... need to confront them...

I doubt this woman so much

That I have a strong suspicion

She let our downstairs neighbor die.

Why would I think such a horrible thing?

It's because whenever she offers unprompted

Details, you know there's something behind it.

She made it a point to specify to everyone

That during the medical incident, the

Neighbor refused an ambulance be called.

That immediately raised a red flag for me.

She had come to be really annoyed with

This neighbor 'cause she was over all the time.

She'd come upstairs to our place all day

And she'd become her partner's drinking buddy

And she couldn't tolerate anyone taking his time.

This woman becomes dangerous when

Others interfere with any of her plans,

So I really wouldn't be surprised to learn

That the ambulance refusal was never

Anything that the neighbor expressed.

I think she saw an opportunity for a fix,

A permanent resolution to her problem.

A horrible suspicion, but I can't help it,

The realm in which this woman lives,

There's no telling what she's capable of,

Although in saying that, years have shown the

Lengths she'll go to in order to satisfy her wants.

So it really doesn't feel far-fetched to think

She'd be capable of such cold callousness,

It's not like it'd be completely out of character.

It's one of those disturbing things among many

That linger as concerns this person in my life,

And there really is no other way to put it:

The woman is an absolute sociopath.

- unlike my mother, I don't know what my father's diagnoses are... but clearly, it's in the psychotic range of disorders... which is evidently not helped by the alcohol... in French 'cause he's French Canadian...  with rough translation... 

Allo Bernard,

Je vais être franche,

Je ne sais trop quoi dire.

J'ai grandi avec toi

Jusqu'à l'âge de onze ans,

Alors disons, c'est loin.

I'll be honest,

Not too sure what to say.

I grew up with you

Until the age of eleven,

So let's say, it's far.

Mais je n'oublie pas

Ce qui s'est passé

Pendant ces années,

Tu m'as causé beaucoup

De douleur, il va sans dire.

But I'm not forgetting

All that happened

During those years,

You caused me a lot

Of pain, it goes without saying.

Et puis il y a dans la vingtaine,

Quand mon frère insistait

Qu'on t'inclut dans nos vies,

C'est là que j'ai réellement compris

À quel degré que tu es malade.

Then there's in my twenties,

When my brother insisted

We include you into our lives,

It's then I really understood

The extent of your unwellness.

Tu t'en rends peut-être

Pas compte, mais tu exhibes

Tous les traits schizoïdes,

T'es pas rattaché à la réalité.

Mais il y a de la malice aussi.

You maybe aren't realizing this,

But you exhibit

All the traits of schizoid issues,

You're not linked to reality.

But there is malice as well.

C'est cet aspect qui m'a

Fait comprendre que je ne

Dois pas garder contact,

Que tu dois rester loin,

Car tes intentions sont tordues.

It's this aspect which made

Me understand that I

Must not keep contact,

That you must remain far away,

'Cause your intentions are twisted.

Que tu retiennes toute aide

Dans le but que je devienne

Désespérée et en besoin de toi

M'a ouvert les yeux très grand

Sur ce que t'avais en tête pour moi.

That you'd hold back all help

With the goal that I become

So desperate and in need of you

Opened my eyes very wide

On what you had in mind for me.

Tu m'as carrément fais fuir,

Car je savais où t'allais, et

Je n'ai pas besoin de te le dire

Qu'une fille n'est pas ça

Pour son père...

You totally scared me away,

'Cause I knew where you were going,

And I don't need to tell you

That a daughter is not that

For her father...

De plus, tes croyances

Que des esprits dans la maison

Te jouent avec la tête en

Déplaçant tes choses,

Mais là, que peut-on dire?

There's also your beliefs

About spirits in your house

That play with your head by

Moving your things,

Well there, what can be said?

Alors, si par hasard tu te demandais

Pourquoi nous n'avons plus contact,

C'est pour ces raisons ; tu n'es

Réellement pas bien et t'es instable.

Et tu boies toujours en plus.

So, if by chance you were wondering

Why you and I have no more contact,

These are the reasons; you're

Really not well and you're unstable.

And you still drink to top it off.

Ce n'est pas safe d'être autour de toi.

It's not safe to be around you.

- in therapy recently ('cause the traumas need to be further addressed), I was asked to describe my parents... this is a difficult one for me to do... they are very unwell, unstable individuals as a general description... and describing madness is difficult to do with any amount of clarity or certainty...

I have not had contact with my mother in 23 years... no contact with my father in 20 years... it felt like I had no choice to preserve my well-being...

I used to write letters to the people who were let's say problematic in my life with their abusive behaviors... but they of course were never to be sent...  

Allo Micheline,

It's been years since last we had contact,

Nonetheless, you come across in thoughts

Once in a while, to this day, and I at times

Find myself forming further reflections on

What happened and how it can be explained.

I've never known a sense of what's it's like

To have a mother is the truth of the matter,

But my anger and frustrations have long ago

Been spent and processed, and there is no

Remnant of animosity or hate toward you.

However, as a mother myself, there are

Parts to our story I'll never figure out.

So, as far as feelings go, I cannot declare

That I have any for you, it's now neutral,

And it was without doubt best to withdraw

Because of your effects on my well-being.

Even more so when my sons were born,

More importantly, they needed protection.

You'll remember, I gave you a chance,

And you proved it was the wrong decision.

So I had no choice but to remove you.

All of what I'm saying here is without anger,

It's simply to provide the explanation I never 

Voiced as to why we're no longer in contact,

In case you've been wondering all this time.

I do not wish to reestablish contact now,

But if not knowing bothers you as much as me,

I thought I could at least rectify this part

And perhaps bring the closure that's been pending.

I'm ready to place the final period to this story.

But I do hope you were able to get well

Because I can't imagine living like you is easy,

And although you've caused a lot of suffering

To many people in your life, I don't wish you ill.

So now I'll just say goodbye and take care. 

- really a big pet-peeve of mine is to be commented on about my size... and it always happens wherever I go... and I'm just not getting used to it ...

I'm normal-sized now, 5'3", 125 lbs... they would have freaked seeing me years ago... I was between 107 lbs - 122 lbs until about 4 years ago... of course, I never said any of what I'm writing here to these people who make a big deal about my size... no, but I mean, they really make a big, big deal about it... it's very uncomfortable... their reactions are over the top, in my view... and it's been two years now, get over it I'm inclined to feel at this point...

the thing people don't know is that my hEDS prevents my stomach from working properly and I don't feel hunger... so clearly, overeating isn't a problem for me, but only because of a physical issue... I shared that with a colleague who often talks about her weight issues, and she seriously said that she wished she had that problem... :/ 

women and weight... I don't know what to say... 

See, what you don't realize

Is if I were as blunt as you

Are being with me right now

Gasps would break out around us

See, you're commenting

On my size and how petite it is

And making a public spectacle

With your exclamations about it

See where I'm going with this?

What would my exclamations be

If I were to do the same about yours?

Shall I be as blunt as you and say it?

See, you're by no means petite

One would say quite honestly large

So shall I also dwell on your size

The same way you obssess over mine?

See, you may dream to be my size

But it doesn't remove the fact

That it's just not on to comment like that

What on earth is the matter with you?

How is what you're doing

Any more appropriate than

If I was as blunt as you're being?

Why you'd think I'd like it eludes me

So, have you imagined the reverse yet?

What's different about it, do tell?

See, I make no difference between the two

Would it be too much to leave my size out?

It has no element of pride for me

And I detest attention to my physicality

See, you need to get that out of your head

I don't view my size the way you do at all

So, it's enough already

There's such a thing as politeness

Il y a tant de choses

Qui ont besoin d'être abordées

Car pendant toute ton enfance

Je t'ai gardé à l'écart de ces soucis

La seule version en ta possession

Est celle d'une personne hostile à mon égard

Qui t'a fait croire tout le contraire

Comme si c'était moi qui causait l'interférence

Tu ne sais réellement pas ce qui se passait

En arrière de tout ce qu'il te présentait

Toute l'hostilité, tout le stress, constants

C'était impossible d'avoir des discussions ensembles

Il n'y avait aucune coopération venant de sa part

Dans tous les aspects qui concernaient ses responsabilités

Non seulement ne faisait-il pas sa part, il s'imposait

Complètement dans ma vie comme si c'était normal

C'est pour cette raison qu'il déteste mon mari

Un jour, il a mit son pied par terre et l'a retourné de bord

Chose que je n'arrivais pas à faire, ne m'écoutait jamais

Il fallait un homme pour le remettre à sa place

Et, sans surprises, il ne l'a jamais accepté

Tout comme notre séparation

Mais nous n'étions jamais un bon match

Cela était bien trop évident dès le départ

Et malgré ton impression que c'est moi qui est en colère

Et qui n'aime pas ton père, cela n'a jamais été vrai

C'est vrai j'ai eu des moments où j'ai perdu ma patience

Un peu, mais j'espère que tu pourras me le pardonner

C'était des fois difficiles d'entendre les bêtises

Qu'il te racontait et que tu naturellement croyais

T'étais juste un petit enfant qui ne pouvait pas voir

L'absurdité des assertions que son père lui faisait

On ne fait pas trois autres enfants si on a pas les moyens

Surtout s'il n'y a pas de moyens pour le premier, en plus

Qu'il t'a fait croire que mes attentes étaient irraisonnables

Quand tout ce qui m'importait est que ton bien soit répondu

Je crois qu'il te manque beaucoup de parties à l'histoire

Et maintenant que tu es adulte, on devrait les aborder

Car je crois que c'est ce qui se passe en ce moment

Ces choses nous bloquent à être ensembles de ton côté

Et je trouve dommage de laisser comme ça

Car toutes ces émotions ne nous appartiennent pas

Elles ne sont pas arrivées entre toi et moi

Et ce serait bien que tu t'en rendes compte à présent

- I can honestly say that I'm no longer terrified of people or of stepping out of my home... anxiety is still there, but it's not the terror I used to feel... and I'm a whole lot better at managing the anxiety bursts to bring them down when they arise... I never thought any of it possible...

What was, what is :

Childhood -- violence and abuse, traumas

Teens -- violence, abuse, roaming the streets, poverty, death, traumas

Young adult and on for years -- motherhood, dealing with the symptoms and sorting out the traumas, poverty

Now (last 2 years) -- living out of the house and being with people on a regular basis, working an amazing job, total financial freedom...

Hard to say where the words are

To explain in no uncertain terms

How all of this actually makes me feel

Still lingers a feeling of surreality to it

The huge contrast between what was, what is

And how all of it was simply unattainable

Despite the many years of efforts put in

And now?  It's completely unrecognizable

Been told I should be proud of myself   (even congratulate myself)

But oh, that only feels all too strange to do

In truth, there's still more progress to achieve

It's not to say, though, that now isn't good

This is exactly what I was hoping for

And I'm actually managing and doing well

My life has drastically changed for the better

And it feels like I'm finally getting to live it

Never thought this perspective would

Ever be mine to experience in my time

All I'd ever had involved a lot of suffering

It was inconceivable it'd ever be different

So that lingering sense of surreality

Kind of hangs about in my moments

When I take in all of the drastic changes

And how I'm doing well in all of that

Truly didn't believe it would ever happen

nah, I don't spend my time thinking about this stuff... but things do pop up in mind once in a while out of the blue... he was known as Lion (said in French) on the streets... to be clear, I was not there engaging in criminal activity or part of the chase or none of that... I saw him later after the incident and he told me what happened...

Remember the night

Everything went to hell

How quickly things

Degenerated to tragedy

A friend got himself into

A heap of trouble while

High as a kite engaging

In criminal activity

Ensued a car police chase

And then a chase on foot

In which he crossed the busy

Autoroute dodging the cars

To then jump over the railing

Of the overpass, falling meters

Down to the pavement below

Completely shattering his body

He survived but the damage

Was too great for any repair, he was

Now quadriplegic at the age of twenty

Because of a really stupid moment...

It's not something you forget

I've never experienced this before,

But to actually have my skin crawl

At the sight of that ignoramus 'cause

His whole vibe is completely repugnant

Is a strong reaction to have about someone.

I cannot for the life of me find any

Redeeming qualities to this man.

He's as vaccuous as vaccuous can be.

It's a complete mystery to me what

Anyone can see in him to want to follow.

He's an absolute well-established loser of life

Who cheats his way to get what he wants.

And his only interest really is himself.

As for him being a straight-up tell-it-like-it-is guy,

That's a load of nonsense, not what he does at all.

Have you listened to what he says?

The guy can't string sentences together,

Let alone coherent or reasonable ideas,

That make any damn sense.

He says nothing, and he rambles on.

How can anyone be attracted to that? 

It's a sincere head-scratcher to me.

- on to the next chapters of my life...  I realize this is a bit weird to express it in this way, but there you go...

Here's a very embarrassing admission... F.i.in.e Moods stands for:  Fucked up, Insecure, Insanely Neurotic, Emotional Moods... I know it's nothing brilliant, but it certainly felt fitting at the time... the origins are lifted from Aerosmith's song F*I*N*E from their 1989 Pump album... 

I've decided to finally lay her to rest

For she has fulfilled her protection of me

Through all those years of immeasurable pain

I was left to deal with after all of the horrors.

We 'came together' when I was a preteen,

During those years when I started roaming the streets.

F*I*N*E was my nickname then because of the patch

I'd sewn on my jean jacket displaying those letters.

It's how I was called by all on the streets,

So it's been an association for a very long time,

And so in a way she's been a part of me through everything

I had to deal with, seeing me through many rough spots.

When I started writing online about all I'd experienced,

I modified my nickname to F.i.in.e Moods,

And she somehow was a strengthened F*I*N*E who

Became my shield to hide behind to protect myself.

But today, I do not need to protect myself anymore.

I'm no longer terrified or pained or hidden away

To the extremes I needed to survive for so many years,

So this survival mechanism is truly no longer required.

I have to admit that I'm sad to let her go, 

It feels like a death of a dear one to me.

But I know at this juncture it's what's needed

For me to move on to the next steps of my life.

So, I can only say my goodbye to my dearest FM,

She'll always hold a special place in my heart.

But it's time for me to step out of my hiding,

And allow myself to exist in this world as only me.

All that happened isn't anywhere near who I am,

And she and I only existed because of what happened.

But that time is gone, and though it was a great

Support, it's over now... she can rest at last, as can I.

Whenever you say nothing

My mind seeks to fill in the blanks,

And of course, goes to the most

Negative possibilities there could be.

Have to, with much effort, stop it

From spiralling into the worst

Of scenarios my imagination

Can spring up to speculate on.

Not sure why I'm so insecure

When you have nothing to say.

But whenever this happens,

It relentlessly plays on my mind.