IB M

- sorry for my whining... huge preoccupation lately as it's noticeably getting worse now... and I'm really not sure how long before I can't move too much anymore... 

a dear friend of mine once jokingly said that if there's such a thing as reincarnation, one would be inclined to believe I must have really got someone's goat in another life... to explain all the seemingly infinite strings of bad luck in my life, as he put it... I thought that was pretty funny... 

There are apparently 3 phases to this condition:

     1)  Hypermobility

     2)  Pain

     3)  Stiffening

I'm still inscredibly hypermobile,

But with age, that has decreased

A little; still I'm more flexible than

Most.  In the last seven years, I've

Been in the pain phase, and just

Recently, I've begun to feel my

Knees when I walk like they're                   

Stiffening up some, so I'm thinking              (same for my back)

It's a start into the stiffening phase.

Phase 1 and phase 2 entail

Hypermobility, and phase 3

Can elevate phase 2's state,

So it feels like there's no getting

Out of the woods, as it were.

I have so much to look forward

To, don't I?  Meh, please excuse

My mood, it's really getting me

Down.  I just want to enjoy life.

I do, but it's getting hard to

Feel any bit of enthusiasm

Seeing as there's no bypassing

The inevitable decline to

Complete inability to move

Around with my own body.

I'm so frustrated with this turn of

Events after so many years having

Been crippled by other things.

Seems like I'll never be

Catching any sort of break.

Just frustrated, 

Just disappointed.

Trying not to get down.

- about travelling to a far place with my condition... to assuage their worries... to express mine... not implying the recent failed plans were due to my friends deciding what's best for me... but it is something that has happened before... so I worry a bit about it at times... 

If you were wondering,

For sure, travelling is

Incredibly difficult for me

On account of the pain

It generates in my body.               (that's aside my intense fright about flying!)

But the thing is, I push

Through all of that, 'cause

I want to be with you,

I want those moments,

And to me, it's all worth it.

I will not stop myself

From doing what I care

To do for as long as I can,

And right now, I can, even

Though with some difficulty.

I know someday it will

Be physically impossible

For me to do any of

These things, so, I'm a bit

On a clock to do them, too.

Yes, it will hurt like hell.

Yes, I will need to recuperate.         (that is not to move much for a while)

But, meeting you is more

Important than any of that.

Please don't decide what's

Best for me out of concern.

This condition is a bitch,

But I'm still standing in one

Piece, and I have to take

Advantage of it right now,

'Cause soon, I won't be

Able to do anything much

Anymore, and it'd be very

Saddening to be denied

While I'm still able to.

No worries, I won't arrive

In a heap or anything like that.

I'll be sore as sore can be,               (the thing is I'm always sore anyway)

For sure, but what does that

Matter?  We'll still be able

To talk together once I'm there.

I really don't see any problem.

You're picturing it from your

Perspective of how you'd feel,

But I'm telling you, I'll be fine.

My happiness will easily toss it,

So please have no worries for me.

- last one... 

I'll tell you how it'll happen:

I will kill myself someday.

Not today, not tomorrow,

But deep down, I know it,

It's exactly how it'll turn out.

One day, I won't hold back,

'Cause there's so much one

Can take, and so many efforts

One can make, and peace is

An impossible elusive dream.

I don't have the resources,

Or skills, or wisdom to see

Me through, and the levels

Of exhaustion are killing

Every bit of will out of me.

So although I'm still hanging

On right now, that conclusion is

Purely inevitable, is the truth of it.

One day, I won't fight it anymore,

I'll rejoin that peace I once reached

But was snatched away from...

I remember it, I still crave it,

And I can't shake off my belief

That I should never have survived;

My life ended thirty years ago.

It should have remained ended,

So I know, someday I'll just go for it,

'Cause I'm not good enough to make it

Better for myself, no matter all of my

Efforts, the brokenness will always stay. 

There's no two ways about it.

Ah, ok, then.

I'll just shut up now.

My sons

My husband

My cats

Music

Writing                  (and of course the PoetBay friends since 2005)

Programming

The world that saved me

- hEDS prevents me from taking any medication 'cause my body reacts very unfavorably to everything I try, always get the worst side-effects possible of the drug... my body is incredibly weird for a lot of things... example, I was allergic to my own maternal milk, for goodness sake... caused huge mastitis and dermatitis... should have seen the doctor's face lol, he'd seen it in his books, but had never come across it in 30 years of practice...  

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, type hypermobility, is a genetic degenerative condition of the connective tissues (cartilage, tendons, ligaments)... mine have too much room to move around, so any movement can make them either pull, pinch, get stuck, rub which causes a lot of inflammation or injury... 

I've had this my whole life, of course, but it used to be an intermittent pain.. in the last 7 years, it's been chronic and I've had a couple episodes of complete immobilisation...

Because of this, the number of travels (going to work, grocery, etc) are carefully calculated in my week and monitored to make sure I don't go over what I can handle physically... any outing must not be a situation where there's walking for more than 15 minutes or else my joints will flare up or get injured and I'll need a couple days of recuperation... 

It's definitely noticeably worse lately... and I'm trying to not let it get me down, but... you know...

The relief of physical pain:

A hopeless dream at this point.

It's a chronic state of affairs

With no solution in sight.

As pain increases, my mobility

Decreases right along with it.

And I have to find ways

To not pay attention to it.

But it's getting increasingly

Difficult to achieve 'cause

This body of mine's screaming

All of the damn time now.

Must confess, so exhausted.

Feeling unimportant,

Somewhat unloved,

And wondering to myself

What's causing this state.

Perhaps it's my binding

My identity and self-worth

In relation to those I love

That affects things this way.

'Cause those I love most have

A tendency to take for granted,

And are often comfortable to

Not take into account my feelings.

I don't believe that they mean ill,

They're just used to me being there,

And me always making concessions,

So I guess it's become invisible.

Little attention is given to me,

And it makes me wonder,

Maybe I've done something wrong

To find myself in this position.

Something's off, that's for sure,

But I can't figure it out clearly.

All I've ever done is love them,

Seems it's not a feeling they share.

I don't know.

- people I met while I roamed the streets in my youth... I think these things are popping in mind 'cause the office where I work is right downtown... where all of those things happened... so I have a lot of reminders, I guess... 

Bouba was 27... way too old for us at the time... 

There was also the morning

We met Bouba that was memorable,

To this day, I see it all so clearly.

Syl and I were sitting on the Bedo stairs

On rue St-Jean around 6 am finishing our LSD trip

We'd been giggling about for most of the night.

And all of a sudden, we heard a loud incident

Of someone hurling violently down the street,

The guy must have been at least 500 meters away!

But oh, it was loud and violent, we felt squeamish.

We shortly after saw him stagger his way toward us,

And once he reached us, he of course stopped for a chat.

He was so wasted, and what a sight he was:

Dread-locks sticking around his head, a bit dusty,

His eyes a bright yellow, and dressed as a hippie.

He could hardly stand and was chancelling on the spot,

Talking away, introducing himself, and retelling his night.

Despite his state, he seemed pretty peppy and enthusiastic.

So that's how we came into contact with Bouba,

And thereafter, he was a regular presence around us.

Obviously a hard-core drug user, but what a character.

Don't know how many times we found him out of his head,

A few grams of pure PCP or shots of heroin were his thing,

And we'd be worried he wouldn't make it through the night.

Yet he always laughed,

The peace and love guy

Who was always positive.

That's Bouba.

- I live in Québec city, in the province of Québec, in Canada... we have universal care, so our physicians have to request their pay from RAMQ (health ministry)...

Régie de l'assurance maladie du Québec (RAMQ)

it is a very complicated set of billing rules to follow for all medical disciplines, and with all the constant negotiations, they are ever changing, too, so my job is to assist physicians in preparing and sending their pay request to RAMQ following all of those rules... I'm an intermediary between the physician and the ministry... and I'm specifically at the assistance of the physician and I'm not affiliated with the ministry... 

I used to take care of 188 psychiatrists... but after my return to work in April after my break, at my request, I now take care of general practioners... I'm still in training, so my number is not set yet...

my job is all a very technological environment... and with what happened with Covid, it opened the door to hybrid time schedules for work... I only need to go to the office twice a week, and the rest of the week is done from home... it's absolutely perfect for me... 

I forgot to mention that I also translate RAMQ's French Newsletters into English that are sent out to our clients, as well as review, correct the French of our system macros and translate them to English... 

I'm a medical billing technician

Who helps physicians prepare

Their request for pay from RAMQ.

I make sure all the billing conforms

To all of the rules put in place by the

Ministry and the medical association.

I verify each of their billing grids,

As well as their account statements,

And make the necessary corrections.

If information is missing or the billing code

Is incorrect preventing the transmission,

I contact the physician to resolve the issue.

Once all of their billing has been verified,

And corrections have been finalized,

I then transmit their pay request to RAMQ.

I also answer their questions, assist with

The billing platform, explain the infinite

Billing rules, interpret the services rendered,

To provide the billing codes that correspond.

And of course, make suggestions

To optimize the physicians' billing.

It's a constant attention to detail,

Quite challenging, and I love it.

- if you've ever experienced isolation in your life, how did you go about resolving it?

before and during the agoraphobia, isolation is something I dealt with... now my isolation is far less extreme because I do see people I work with... but that isolation I feel is still something I'm dealing with now... and not sure how to resolve it...

Sure, I'm content and comfortable

In my quiet, alone time in life,

But these days, the perpetual aloneness

Is starting to have a bothering effect.

It's this constant isolation which

Seems to me has been the norm

For as long as I can go back in time,

Is there really a way to resolve that?

Can a foundation be completely rebuilt?

My doubts are growing as time goes by.