IB M

Je me souviens de la dynamique

Quand mon père était avec le sien.

L'atmosphère devenait lourde avec

Une énergie négative, tendue, et

Le niveau d'aggressivité palpable.

Ils ne se frappaient pas, mais il

N'y avait pas là beaucoup d'amour

Ou de tendresse, ou d'affection.

Je remarquais le ton moqueur de

Mon grand-père quand il lui parlait.

J'étais trop jeune pour comprendre,

Mais il y avait là une tension qui

Ne pouvait pas passer inaperçue.

J'ai tout de suite compris, par contre,

Qu'il y avait une histoire en arrière.

Je l'ai apprise plus tard, et c'est là

Que le portrait s'est matérialisé :

L'enfer que mon grand-père leur a

Fait subir est le genre de truc qu'on

Lit dans les romans d'horreur.

Donc leur relation, cela ne pouvait

Pas se développer d'une autre façon

Que ce que je voyais quand ils étaient

Ensembles, le père continuait d'être

Méchant avec le fils, tout le temps.

Je trouve triste que malgré toute cette

Maltraitance, mon père maintenait

Une relation avec lui dans sa vie

Adulte, comme s'il cherchait toujours à

Obtenir son approbation de quelque façon.

Même si cette possibilité était inexistante.

Je me demande comment cela se produit.

I was born with a cut on my kidney

Which developped into serious sepsis,

So for the first few years of my life, I

Was treated with loads of medications,

In and out of the hospital to mend this.

While all of this was going on, my

Grand-father was pressuring my parents

To get me baptized in case I died from

My condition because he was afraid I

Would be left in limbo out of Heaven.

The man was actually serious about this.

It was such a source of contention that

My parents relented in the end, and when

I was well enough, they had me baptized

Just to bring back some peace in the family.

My grand-father was a monster who 

Brutalized his wife and his children,

But he was a God-fearing man somehow.

There's no figuring out how that works,

'Cause it simply makes no sense at all.

Did he think he'd be going to Heaven

After all of the terrible things he's done,

But his unbaptized infant grand-daughter

Would be left in eternal limbo if she died?

By all accounts, it's what he truly believed.

Just incredible.

- the excitement in my life is overwhelming... back to work 22 Apr... 

You know what I do on breaks and most

Vacations?  I crash out and have myself

A very long sleep-a-thon.  It's like I'll sleep

For days, at all hours, and it's never enough.

I'm so exhausted physically, so sore

All of the time, my system has a limit.

So that's what I do, I spend a lot of time

Sleeping, as much as I can, hoping

It'll make something feel better eventually.

I just don't have all too much energy to

Move around, I don't have anywhere to

Go or people to see, so I give up, really.

Even though moving around is difficult,

It's definitely not any good to not move,

So I know that, but it's hard to do for

Your own good when it feels nothing but.

So my breaks involve a lot of sleep.

I'm so fucking mad

With how things are

Turning out, how the

First half of my life

Was stolen by the

Struggles of trauma,

And how when I

Found a clearing in

All of that and could

Finally live a bit,

My body's condition

Became too painful to

Move around as I'd like.

It's only getting worse,

And I'm fucking losing it.

Emotional pain for years,

Now constant physical pain,

It just doesn't fucking stop.

Do you mind if I say my

Life just fucking sucks?

It feels so immature to me

To say something like that,

But seriously, what the fuck?

There's so much suffering

A person can handle, really,

And I think I did my fair share.

Can I get a fucking break?

Am I expecting too much?

Fucking hell.

- no remedies, no options for improvement... and I'm deeply exhausted... don't see anything else possible for relief other than when life will come to an end... I'm not depressed, but clearly not feeling too cheery... sorry...  

Not in a depression

Or in a suicidal state

But looking forward

To when it'll be over

My ability to stand it

Is waning very fast

It'll only get worse

And there's nothing

That can be done

So, I'm not depressed

Or suicidal, but my

Wish for some relief

Only gets stronger

And I very much

Look forward to it

Coming to an end

- another preoccupation... 

This is starting to feel ridiculous,

Can't figure out how to meet

People and have them around

More regularly in my life...

Don't know where to go to make

It happen or what I should be

Doing specifically to create

A context where something like

That can happen.  Trying to find

Ways to change this isolation

That's been around for ages now.

Not that I mind my solitude,

But it's in a constant state still

And I'd really like to change it.

There's still anxiety, a bit of

Phobia remaining, but it's not

Like it used to be anymore,

And it would be so nice to

Have connections with others

And have them around in life.

That's the part I'm working on,

Hoping that I'll figure it out.

Seriously, what made you stay?

Surely you could tell all was

Not as it should be with me

And some of the things I said

Were not all too coherent...

What gave you the impression

You were not wasting your time?

I was so not well, so not there,

But for some reason you stayed

Anyway, went through it with me.

Most don't bother, why did you?

- my condition causes chronic physical pain... and the more I move, the more it exacerbates the pain... as it's a syndrome, it affects many parts of my system... so any medication I take always causes the severest side-effects a drug can have as a result... 

Because of it, I'm in a lot of pain,

And because of it, I can't take 

Any medication to alleviate it

How do you remain uplifted

When there's nothing that will

Make it better in any way?

And you know it's only the

Start, this pain will worsen

Until use of your body ceases

Not to be gloomy, but this

Is preoccupying my time

A great deal as ignoring it

Is a bit of a challenge as

The days move on, my

Body is constantly pained

Moving around is getting

More difficult 'cause of it

And increasingly exhausting

Sorry, it's hard to remain uplifted

If you fall too far too fast

Just say the word, reach out

And you'll find I'll always

Be there no matter what...

I love you dearly

- the urge to disappear grows by the day...

As I sit here day in and day out,

And although I'm no longer afraid,

My solitude only grows as there

Is no one around, and those who

Sort of are, don't show interest.

I can go many weeks without a single

Person contacting me, so I spend

A lot of time alone with my head.

In fact, it's pretty much all I can do,

And at this point, it makes me spiral.

I'm starting to believe that I'm not

Remotely important in any way,

That when people say they

Love and appreciate me, it's all

Just sound bites, nothing more.

If their words matched their actions,

And they took into consideration

The things they know affect me,

I might believe their expressions of

How great a person they think I am.

But as things stand now, it's tenuous,

'Cause contradictions like that can't

Go unnoticed, their strong effect either,

So I sit here day in and day out wondering

Where all that love I hear about could be.

And no answer is forthcoming yet.