IB M

It's incredible to me how

You are comfortable and

Satisfied with these ideas

That make absolutely no

Sense in the realm of facts.

You believe our lives are

Overshadowed by these

Conspiratorial machinations

Designed to fool and control us,

You trust nothing and no one.

And how you base your beliefs

On things with no evidence, and

How sure you are that they're real,

Is absolutely mind-blowing and

So very difficult to understand.

I do listen to what you present,

But it doesn't take a high intelligence

To realize what you say doesn't hold

Any water, it's so ridiculous, you can't

Help feel like your leg's being pulled.

It's sincerely frightening that anyone

Can believe such made up nonsense.

The associations and conclusions you

Make are so incongruent with healthy

Reasoning, but you can't see it at all.

You're so obviously stressed and on edge, 

And anyone who disagrees with you

Is in on these conspiracies to fool you,

So you outright dismiss them and convince

Yourself those who disagree are the proof.

What kind of logic is that?

It baffles me that it satisfies you.

Was not feeling great 

About this news, so

Out of curiosity, went

To search the web for

Possible treatments that

Exist for this problem.

Stumbled upon this

Procedure : arthroscopy.

The Google AI definition

Describes it as follows :

Arthroscopy is a minimally invasive surgical procedure used to diagnose and treat problems inside a joint, where a surgeon uses a small camera (arthroscope) and specialized instruments inserted through tiny incisions to visualize and repair damaged tissues. 

That seems like something

That could work for my

Problem, less drastic

To me than what the doc

Said, but now I'm left

Wondering why he didn't

Mention that before the

Hip replacement option.

Labrum issues have been

Repaired with this procedure.

Will have to ask him.

Asked the doctor how one

Goes about healing a split

In the labrum, and he said

There actually isn't a way

Known to heal it, and the only

Option, if things get bad enough,

Is a hip replacement surgery...

Not what I was hoping to hear.

He froze in his tracks when he saw Matt.

Stood there, and stared for quite a few

Minutes, trying to register what he was

Seeing.  It was definitely him, but how?

It's at that moment that he fully realized

What Élise was going through that night.

He tried to get closer to go talk to him,

But the pedestrian traffic of this city

Made that ineffectual, so he lost him

In the crowd.  Annoyed with himself

For having lost sight of him, he headed

Back home with this mystery hanging

Over his head, knowing this wouldn't be

Something he'd stop thinking about.

He'd have to find another time to

Catch up to him, there're so many

Questions that are heavily hovering,

And right now, they're unanswered.

This man supposedly died 4 years ago,

But that clearly didn't appear to be so.

When he got home, he called Élise to let

Her know that he too saw him today,

And they need to get together to find

A way to get closer to him so they

Can talk about what's really going on.

He was determined they'd find out.

"I need someone I know is real right now",

That's what she'd said to him when he

Came to pick her up, she looked desperate.

He wasn't sure what that was about, but he

Could clearly see there was something wrong.

So he wrapped his arm around her and led

Her away from this run-down place he

Found her in, placed her in his car, and off

They left.  While driving away, he tried

To get her to talk to see what was going on.

She didn't look right, quite the mess,

Which was definitely not her usual.

He calmly started by asking the beginning,

Gently prompting her to spill the beans,

'Cause at this point, he had no idea.

She began sobbing, talking about seeing

Someone who she wasn't supposed to be

Able to see anymore because they're dead.

And she swore that she saw him again,

And she can't understand how that's possible.

He did his best to not show his confusion

On his face upon hearing this, he didn't

Want to cause further upset.  But he was

Left a bit stumped as to what to say to that.

What she initially said made more sense.

He tried to comfort her, feeling concerned

For her, she was definitely frazzled by this.

But how to explain that one away?  Maybe

She thinks she saw Matt but it wasn't him?

But she was adamant she saw him again,

Hence her freaking out about it.

He didn't argue with her on this,

And all he could really do is listen

And be there for her, and so, he did.

They talked all night long together.

And the next day, he saw him too.

- writing... 

There's a story wanting to form in my

Thoughts, but it's just out of my grasp,

And it taunts it'll come to materialize

Without ever getting anywhere near it.

So it floats around without any clear

Direction or narrative, but bits and

Pieces pop out and stick around...

And it's maddening that it won't land.

1, 2, 3, 4, ma p'tite vache a mal aux pattes

She kept singing this Children's

Comptine as if it meant something.

Babette, la baleine bleue

Fait de bien belles bulles

She kept on going, laughing.

Et patati!

Et patata!

Petite patate, tanpis pour toi!

She kept repeating them,

Clearly delighted by them,

Even though no one knew why.

He closed the door quietly

And let her get on with it,

It was just another regular day.

Dear Reader,

I realize what I write about isn't easy material to respond to most of the time, and you're maybe wondering why I share all of that to the world, and the simple answer to that is because I am alone and I have no one around to talk about these things.

I've been writing like this for the last twenty years on PoetBay, so a lot of you know enough parts of my life to know that it's been difficult.  And that I've spent a lot of time trying to make things better for myself so that I can free myself from the symptoms of my traumas that made me unable to function for so many years.

I've reached a point in my recovery that I'm now functional and a whole lot better at managing any symptom that pops up.  I'm continuing my efforts to make things better for myself and right now what I'm working on is the social aspect of things for me that is still lacking.  I have lived isolated for so many years of my life, there is really no one around in my life today.  But I wish to change that... I crave to make connections with others.

I'm currently still unsure on how to go about changing this situation.  But I'm working on it.

I'm also processing a new reality for me which is starting to take more space.  The loss of my mobility because of the hEDS.  I'm finding this part a little difficult at the moment.

So all this to say, I realize what I write about may be a lot at times.  I'm sorry, it's obviously not to dampen the mood.  But thanks, I appreciate your time.  I'm just figuring out stuff and it's nice when others are involved... 'cause I spend way too much time alone with my head.

My biggest complaint?

Me and my mundaine existence.

My second?

Inconsiderate or mean people.

Overall and generally?

The world could be so much better.

But all of that doesn't matter -

What I think or feel, who cares.

Inconsequential

Insignificant

That's all it simply is really,

Yet here I am telling you anyway.

Message received,

I'll remove myself,

Keep quiet now,

Leave you in peace.

That should make

You feel much better,

Restore that comfort

You lose around me.

And it'll spare me

Having to deal with

Being left on the side

Isolated as always.

It's simpler that way

For you and for me,

Removes expectations

And all potential hurts.

So I'll keep quiet now.