IB M

I still carry that lack of self-assuredness

Whenever I find myself in the company

Of others, I'm never sure of anything...

I have high doubts that I'm interesting

As a person, or that I'm brilliant in any

Way, and what can I really talk about... ?

So all I can really do is listen to people,

And try to follow what they're on about;

Can't say that I always do, but I try...

I'm no longer terrified to be with others,

But I wouldn't say my level of comfort

Is very high for it, I'm just never sure...

And that always leaves me nervous.

Makes me wonder if it can ever be

Resolved, I've always been this way...

- sorry, sort of in the processing phase of how my life is so different now... I should get over it soon ;)

It'd never occurred to me

That I'd been through a lot

Until I started to see others'

Reactions on hearing about

My life, so as time went on,

Only then did it become clear

To me that it was filled with

Shocking things that horrify.

I've been abused and mistreated

As a child with my parents, so

Much fear, instability, violence,

I've been assaulted in my teens

When roaming the streets felt like

A better option than being home,

Then after those final assaults,

I've been unwell with symptoms

Of the traumas I've encountered,

Reliving the neverending nightmares

In uncontrollable overtaking flashbacks.

Everything was a struggle for so long,

And all efforts for so long only failures,

And the weight of the isolation a killer,

The despair a constant state with no

Foreseeable resolution.  Everything was

Dire, everything was painful, there was

No clear reason to wish to carry on living,

And I almost died at my hand many times.

But today, that's not my life anymore,

And as happy as I am about it, I'm

Needing a minute to process it all;

I think I'm awed that it's happened.

Seeing as this is relatively recent,

Saying that I'm used to this wouldn't

Be exact, it feels strange in some

Measure, 'cause feeling good was

Never much of a reality before.

Yet now, it's what every day is.

Feels like I can count lucky stars.

- HR requested a new note to maintain my accommodation concerning my loss of mobility... they informed that I will need to provide such a note every 6 months... 

Hello HR,

Ok, but I hope you will be able to understand 

How humiliating an experience this is for me

To have to prove my loss of mobility every

Six months for a degenerative condition with

No prospect of improvements.  I understand

Procedures, but in the context, I hope you

Will be able to see from where I'm coming from.

Oh, you know, there comes a point

When there's no way to know what

To say anymore, and here we are.

If you misinterpreted my not going

To visit our dying father as me not

Caring, then you've not listened again.

The only reason I didn't go was to

Not cause him distress at such a time

Considering he didn't express the wish

And we haven't been in contact for

Over twenty years; you've missed

The important parts, but that's usual.

So fed up of your judgemental attitude,

You throw me in an impossible position

And back out to find out if it's our father's wish.

Obviously, you know how difficult

The situation is if you can't ask him yourself

For fear he'll react badly and you'll have to deal.

So come on, give me a damn break.

The circumstances weren't correct for me

To show up at this stage of his life without an invite.

Can you imagine if I had?  I perfectly can.

Don't tell me it didn't cross your mind

What such a meeting would have looked like.

It seemed to me to be an unkind thing to do,

He was confused, incoherent 'cause of the tumor,

So causing any sort of shock didn't feel advised.

So don't make my decision into something it's not.

Of course I care, maybe not 'cause he's our father,

But he's a human being dying, I can't not care about that.

Gah, how you're getting on my nerves.

- even if it's unclear how it came to be... 

How I used to feel and all of

The details are still very much there,

But not felt like they once were...

They're sort of felt in the third person now.

Although I know all of it

Is my story lived, it's like

It happened to someone else.

It's hard to put into words...

Recently was told that it's

Probaby time, with age

Things come to settle down.

Perhaps that's right, I don't know.

But whatever it is exactly,

I don't think it needs defining.

The relentless pain was removed

And that's just an endless relief.

I'm very happy to go along with it.

- for the last 4 years, I've been working really hard to resolve my anxiety/phobia issues... doing the things that cause me anxiety or fear to learn to manage them...

so I set myself these challenges, and progressively work my way through the situations... it's actually been pretty helpful to do that...

recently at work, I agreed to do something I've never been able to do... and I'm fighting the regret very hard at the moment lol... 

not many of my colleagues speak English... and those who do, do it very poorly... that's Québec... 

Considering I can speak a

Very proper English, I was

Asked if I could do a webinar            (involves a Q&A session with the MDs)

To present the different types

Of billing that physicians can

Have according to the different

Types of practices, and also to

Present our services and platform

To the medical students beginning

Their practices as full physicians,

And as new clients at our company.

I said yes (!), and I still

Can't believe that I did.

I can't begin to describe

The dread that's been settling

Since that 3-letter word came 

Out of my mouth last week.

Why on Earth did I agree to this?       (it's recorded, en plus)

This is so very far out of my

Comfort zone, to say the least!

Oh, I look forward to it being over,

And oh, I hope I don't screw it up!

- character : father finding out his daughter does not identify as a girl or a boy...  

I'm sorry, and really not

To be insensitive, but

What do you mean by you're

Not a girl and you're not a boy?

And what am I supposed

To do with that, my dear?

I hope you can understand it

Coming from my perspective.

I'm really not sure

What's expected of me...

Please guide me,

'Cause right now I'm lost.

- presented in a generalized manner... obviously, there exists religious people who are not touchy about this... but in my experience so far, they are rare... 

I really don't care if someone is religious or not... but I don't feel I can be open with a religious person because what can I say?  I don't understand what they believe... but doesn't mean I have hate...   

to be clear, my beliefs are not ones I wish to convince others of... to change other people's beliefs is not something I'd ever care to do... but if you're going to talk to me about it, my views are going to be different... there's no going around that fact... 

The standard seems to be

That the religious can waffle

On about their love of God

To everyone and anyone,

Whether they are believers

Or not, and the non religious

Have to tolerate in silence

So as to not cause offense

With their opposing views.

I wonder why the religious

Can't seem to realize the

Offense they are causing

To the non religious with

Their insistance on talking

About something that means

Absolutely nothing to them,

Plus expect no opposing views

To be voiced in response.

Why is it ok for the religious

To not take into account other

People's thoughts and feelings?

(Like theirs has more value?)

Why is it when the non religious

Voice their opposing views as

Passionately as the religious do,

It's an affront or an expression

Of hate on their part to do so?

Can we not agree that both sides

Are entitled to their opinions?

Can we not agree that opposing

Views don't mean disrespect?

And can we not agree that both

Sides should feel free to talk?

My experience as a non religious

Person with religious people has

Always left awkward feelings.

It's a topic that can never be discussed,

But it's always being discussed one-sided.

I cannot respond to what the religious

Say as there is no clear invitation to do so.

My responses would not be in line with

What they express my way, so to not be

Contrary, I stay quiet for fear of causing

Hurt; I should not be feeling this way,

But that's what happens every time.

The standard seems to be that they

Can go on and on about it, not taking

Into account anyone's feelings about it,

While those who disagree, must not

Do the same 'cause that's upsetting to

Them.  Like what they do isn't upsetting

To those who totally reject such notions,

But more importantly, it's the inconsideration,

Lack of respect toward others that is more.

Expecting respect without giving any...

For my part, I find this 'standard' irritating.

I've just about had enough

Of your judgemental attitude,

Your total lack of consideration,

And your downright lame self.

It's like you're itching to find

Anything you can be upset about

When in all reality, I'm the one

Who should be!  I'm so done.

You don't care about me at all,

You've never been in my corner

For anything, never supported

Me, never been there for me.

And you're not happy with me?

As usual, you're not catching on. 

- dealing with complex PTSD... major depressive disorder, agoraphobia, social phobias, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, severe sleep disorder, flashbacks all being part of it...  

It's difficult to describe

How all of this makes 

Me feel, but a bit awed

Might give the right sense.

'Cause I'd really given up hope

That I would ever improve any

Of my debilitating symptoms,

Seeing as they weren't going.

It'd been about two decades

Of many attempts to make

Things move on in my life,

But everything tried only failed.

So how I got here isn't clear,

I wouldn't say I'm completely

Healed, but I'm definitely

Functioning like never before.

Life's so incredibly different

In the last two and half years;

No comparison can be made

With what I'd always known.

To not feel that state of pain

I've known since childhood's an

Absolutely alien thing to feel,

It initially really threw me off.

It's strange that I don't feel

It anymore, it's like it never

Was there, and although it's

Great that it's finally gone,

Something of me feels like

It's missing, 'cause that's always

Been there.  Not saying that I

Want it back, just was a big part,

And now it's simply gone.

I remember all of the horrors,

But I don't feel them anymore,

Like they're someone else's story.

I wouldn't say that I'm free,

But it feels something similar.

No longer held down by fear,

I'm actually living out there.

Never thought that'd be possible.