IB M

- even if it's unclear how it came to be... 

How I used to feel and all of

The details are still very much there,

But not felt like they once were...

They're sort of felt in the third person now.

Although I know all of it

Is my story lived, it's like

It happened to someone else.

It's hard to put into words...

Recently was told that it's

Probaby time, with age

Things come to settle down.

Perhaps that's right, I don't know.

But whatever it is exactly,

I don't think it needs defining.

The relentless pain was removed

And that's just an endless relief.

I'm very happy to go along with it.

- for the last 4 years, I've been working really hard to resolve my anxiety/phobia issues... doing the things that cause me anxiety or fear to learn to manage them...

so I set myself these challenges, and progressively work my way through the situations... it's actually been pretty helpful to do that...

recently at work, I agreed to do something I've never been able to do... and I'm fighting the regret very hard at the moment lol... 

not many of my colleagues speak English... and those who do, do it very poorly... that's Québec... 

Considering I can speak a

Very proper English, I was

Asked if I could do a webinar            (involves a Q&A session with the MDs)

To present the different types

Of billing that physicians can

Have according to the different

Types of practices, and also to

Present our services and platform

To the medical students beginning

Their practices as full physicians,

And as new clients at our company.

I said yes (!), and I still

Can't believe that I did.

I can't begin to describe

The dread that's been settling

Since that 3-letter word came 

Out of my mouth last week.

Why on Earth did I agree to this?       (it's recorded, en plus)

This is so very far out of my

Comfort zone, to say the least!

Oh, I look forward to it being over,

And oh, I hope I don't screw it up!

- character : father finding out his daughter does not identify as a girl or a boy...  

I'm sorry, and really not

To be insensitive, but

What do you mean by you're

Not a girl and you're not a boy?

And what am I supposed

To do with that, my dear?

I hope you can understand it

Coming from my perspective.

I'm really not sure

What's expected of me...

Please guide me,

'Cause right now I'm lost.

- presented in a generalized manner... obviously, there exists religious people who are not touchy about this... but in my experience so far, they are rare... 

I really don't care if someone is religious or not... but I don't feel I can be open with a religious person because what can I say?  I don't understand what they believe... but doesn't mean I have hate...   

to be clear, my beliefs are not ones I wish to convince others of... to change other people's beliefs is not something I'd ever care to do... but if you're going to talk to me about it, my views are going to be different... there's no going around that fact... 

The standard seems to be

That the religious can waffle

On about their love of God

To everyone and anyone,

Whether they are believers

Or not, and the non religious

Have to tolerate in silence

So as to not cause offense

With their opposing views.

I wonder why the religious

Can't seem to realize the

Offense they are causing

To the non religious with

Their insistance on talking

About something that means

Absolutely nothing to them,

Plus expect no opposing views

To be voiced in response.

Why is it ok for the religious

To not take into account other

People's thoughts and feelings?

(Like theirs has more value?)

Why is it when the non religious

Voice their opposing views as

Passionately as the religious do,

It's an affront or an expression

Of hate on their part to do so?

Can we not agree that both sides

Are entitled to their opinions?

Can we not agree that opposing

Views don't mean disrespect?

And can we not agree that both

Sides should feel free to talk?

My experience as a non religious

Person with religious people has

Always left awkward feelings.

It's a topic that can never be discussed,

But it's always being discussed one-sided.

I cannot respond to what the religious

Say as there is no clear invitation to do so.

My responses would not be in line with

What they express my way, so to not be

Contrary, I stay quiet for fear of causing

Hurt; I should not be feeling this way,

But that's what happens every time.

The standard seems to be that they

Can go on and on about it, not taking

Into account anyone's feelings about it,

While those who disagree, must not

Do the same 'cause that's upsetting to

Them.  Like what they do isn't upsetting

To those who totally reject such notions,

But more importantly, it's the inconsideration,

Lack of respect toward others that is more.

Expecting respect without giving any...

For my part, I find this 'standard' irritating.

I've just about had enough

Of your judgemental attitude,

Your total lack of consideration,

And your downright lame self.

It's like you're itching to find

Anything you can be upset about

When in all reality, I'm the one

Who should be!  I'm so done.

You don't care about me at all,

You've never been in my corner

For anything, never supported

Me, never been there for me.

And you're not happy with me?

As usual, you're not catching on. 

- dealing with complex PTSD... major depressive disorder, agoraphobia, social phobias, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, severe sleep disorder, flashbacks all being part of it...  

It's difficult to describe

How all of this makes 

Me feel, but a bit awed

Might give the right sense.

'Cause I'd really given up hope

That I would ever improve any

Of my debilitating symptoms,

Seeing as they weren't going.

It'd been about two decades

Of many attempts to make

Things move on in my life,

But everything tried only failed.

So how I got here isn't clear,

I wouldn't say I'm completely

Healed, but I'm definitely

Functioning like never before.

Life's so incredibly different

In the last two and half years;

No comparison can be made

With what I'd always known.

To not feel that state of pain

I've known since childhood's an

Absolutely alien thing to feel,

It initially really threw me off.

It's strange that I don't feel

It anymore, it's like it never

Was there, and although it's

Great that it's finally gone,

Something of me feels like

It's missing, 'cause that's always

Been there.  Not saying that I

Want it back, just was a big part,

And now it's simply gone.

I remember all of the horrors,

But I don't feel them anymore,

Like they're someone else's story.

I wouldn't say that I'm free,

But it feels something similar.

No longer held down by fear,

I'm actually living out there.

Never thought that'd be possible.

He nearly exclaimed, I swear, 

That no one can expect to come

Out of all I've been through

Without being affected by it all.

He said it was remarkable

That I was still standing

And that I hadn't lost my wits

Despite the severe cruelty.

He continued that it was

Uncommon as a result

To not bear animosity toward others,

Or a profound sense of distrust,

Or not be completely disconnected

For having lost any belief that it's

A good thing to have people around,

But with me, I care deeply about people.

He seemed so enchanted by that,

Still not sure what to make of it.

I've been taking readers

through my journey for

the last twenty years now.

A lot of you here helped

me grow, unconditionally

accepted me, and taught me.

I was a pretty broken gal when

I arrived on this site in 2005,

and that brokenness carried on,

But you saw me through it

with your kind words, your

patience, you were there for me.

I know our relationship

may be unusual, but it's the

only way I could have them,

So to me your friendship

is the real deal in every way;

we've been talking for 20 years.

I don't think words exist to

really convey my gratitude,

mais thank you, you helped greatly.

Seriously, I wouldn't have made it

without you around all these years,

that's without any doubts for me.

- I used to write about all of that in great detail in my first PB account (June 2005- July 2024)... but today, all of that feels like such a long time ago (10 years since last depressive episode, about 8 years since the pain left... 2½ years having an amazing job) ... still, I remember... and it's very unlikely I'll ever forget... 

I remember when my inner world

was mired by endless recalls of painful

acts committed against my small body

not counting the other crimes

my path was thrown as time went on

I remember that even after these

realities were no longer part of my days

there was no way to escape their

consequences to my psyche and heart

so it was as if they were still ongoing

I remember the terror that gripped

me at any thought of being with people

or being out of the security of my bedroom

there was no way for me to get on

with the day-to-day everyone else had

I remember being totally immobilized

by fear and the persistent pain of all

these traumas that shaped my beginnings

I remember the turmoil turning to crisis

where brushes with death nearly succeeded

I remember the destructive states of

mind I would sink down to at times

and the incapacity to hold the compulsion

of causing the deepest wounds to myself

and watching my life seep out satisfied

I remember the loss of control over

any sense of self-preservation to match

the depth of my despair and hopelessness

I remember hurting so deeply for what'd

been done to me, not finding a way out

I remember being broken to pieces

I don't think I'll ever forget any part

- when my major depressive disorder was in a severe state, it led a couple times to a substance abuse disorder... it's a very specific state of mind that used to get me to behave this way... 

from preteen years to early adulthood when I roamed the streets, it was a regular behavior... when I found out I was expecting my first child, I stopped it... it wasn't an issue for me to stop because although I severely abused drugs, I did not develop an issue of addiction... 

but the traumas and severe depressive states I had to deal with made it that I faltered and totally crashed as far as who I am as a person... it happened in 2005 and in 2015... lasting a number of months each time where I was very, very far from sober... it wasn't drugs, but it was an awful lot of alcohol... 

alcohol really screws up my thyroid gland... and my body now totally rejects it and makes me throw up... 

During my last crisis a decade ago,

A severe intolerance was developed,

And my body now rejects all forms

Of alcohol, so I can't drink at all.

Not that I've ever really liked it,

Despite the couple episodes when

I severely abused it, I still didn't

Like it, other issues were going on.

So today, there's no way for me

To just have a drink, it makes me ill;

This intolerance came after that last

Time, and I say that's a good thing.

I'll never be able to satisfy my

Disorder in any circumstance should

It rear its head again in the future.

But in saying that, I don't think

It'll ever do again, I'm sure that's done.

Life is so far removed from all these

Struggles now, the despair doesn't

Exist anymore, it'd be so out of place

For that problem to return 'cause

None of the circumstances which

Brought me to these infrequent crashes

Are any longer a reality for my life.

So yeah, it's all good, in my view.