IB M

He nearly exclaimed, I swear, 

That no one can expect to come

Out of all I've been through

Without being affected by it all.

He said it was remarkable

That I was still standing

And that I hadn't lost my wits

Despite the severe cruelty.

He continued that it was

Uncommon as a result

To not bear animosity toward others,

Or a profound sense of distrust,

Or not be completely disconnected

For having lost any belief that it's

A good thing to have people around,

But with me, I care deeply about people.

He seemed so enchanted by that,

Still not sure what to make of it.

I've been taking readers

through my journey for

the last twenty years now.

A lot of you here helped

me grow, unconditionally

accepted me, and taught me.

I was a pretty broken gal when

I arrived on this site in 2005,

and that brokenness carried on,

But you saw me through it

with your kind words, your

patience, you were there for me.

I know our relationship

may be unusual, but it's the

only way I could have them,

So to me your friendship

is the real deal in every way;

we've been talking for 20 years.

I don't think words exist to

really convey my gratitude,

mais thank you, you helped greatly.

Seriously, I wouldn't have made it

without you around all these years,

that's without any doubts for me.

- I used to write about all of that in great detail in my first PB account (June 2005- July 2024)... but today, all of that feels like such a long time ago (10 years since last depressive episode, about 8 years since the pain left... 2½ years having an amazing job) ... still, I remember... and it's very unlikely I'll ever forget... 

I remember when my inner world

was mired by endless recalls of painful

acts committed against my small body

not counting the other crimes

my path was thrown as time went on

I remember that even after these

realities were no longer part of my days

there was no way to escape their

consequences to my psyche and heart

so it was as if they were still ongoing

I remember the terror that gripped

me at any thought of being with people

or being out of the security of my bedroom

there was no way for me to get on

with the day-to-day everyone else had

I remember being totally immobilized

by fear and the persistent pain of all

these traumas that shaped my beginnings

I remember the turmoil turning to crisis

where brushes with death nearly succeeded

I remember the destructive states of

mind I would sink down to at times

and the incapacity to hold the compulsion

of causing the deepest wounds to myself

and watching my life seep out satisfied

I remember the loss of control over

any sense of self-preservation to match

the depth of my despair and hopelessness

I remember hurting so deeply for what'd

been done to me, not finding a way out

I remember being broken to pieces

I don't think I'll ever forget any part

- when my major depressive disorder was in a severe state, it led a couple times to a substance abuse disorder... it's a very specific state of mind that used to get me to behave this way... 

from preteen years to early adulthood when I roamed the streets, it was a regular behavior... when I found out I was expecting my first child, I stopped it... it wasn't an issue for me to stop because although I severely abused drugs, I did not develop an issue of addiction... 

but the traumas and severe depressive states I had to deal with made it that I faltered and totally crashed as far as who I am as a person... it happened in 2005 and in 2015... lasting a number of months each time where I was very, very far from sober... it wasn't drugs, but it was an awful lot of alcohol... 

alcohol really screws up my thyroid gland... and my body now totally rejects it and makes me throw up... 

During my last crisis a decade ago,

A severe intolerance was developed,

And my body now rejects all forms

Of alcohol, so I can't drink at all.

Not that I've ever really liked it,

Despite the couple episodes when

I severely abused it, I still didn't

Like it, other issues were going on.

So today, there's no way for me

To just have a drink, it makes me ill;

This intolerance came after that last

Time, and I say that's a good thing.

I'll never be able to satisfy my

Disorder in any circumstance should

It rear its head again in the future.

But in saying that, I don't think

It'll ever do again, I'm sure that's done.

Life is so far removed from all these

Struggles now, the despair doesn't

Exist anymore, it'd be so out of place

For that problem to return 'cause

None of the circumstances which

Brought me to these infrequent crashes

Are any longer a reality for my life.

So yeah, it's all good, in my view.

- with rough translation... not a personal experience, I usually get along very well with people... 

C'est tout... That's All

Si tu savais à quel point

cela ne me fait aucun pli,

tu serais probablement

un peu insultée, mais bon...

If you knew how much

this doesn't bother me much,

you'd probably be

a bit insulted, but, you know...

Ce n'est pas de ma faute

que tu n'es pas exactement

une personne très intéressante,

tes propos sont plutôt simples.

It isn't my fault

that you're not exactly

a very interesting person,

what you say is somewhat simple.

Je ne peux m'empêcher

de baîller aux corneilles

quand t'as quelque chose

à dire, c'est à ce point-là.

I can't help myself

from yawning to high heaven

when you have something

to say, it's to that extent.

Qui tu es, et qui je suis,

cela ne fonctionne juste pas,

ce n'est rien d'extraordinaire,

on ne clique pas ensemble.

Who you are, and who I am,

it just doesn't work,

it's nothing extraordinary,

we don't click together.

At that moment in our conversation,

He looked down, took a slow breath

In, and solemnly said in a calm manner:

"I think deep down, everyone is

Capable of unspeakable things."

It was his poised demeanor and the look

In his eyes that were convincing to me.

Those words felt like experiences

Encountered, like he knew exactly

What he was advancing was the reality.

It's a moment that marked me,

One I don't think I'll ever forget.

When you met me, I was the girl

Who had been abused and traumatized

Who was exhausted, at the end of her rope

I was the girl who had spent a good part of

Her youth roaming the streets

Choosing to not go home 'cause

That was way worse than the

Weirdos around the Carré d'Youville

And who then got assaulted so severely

It changed abolutely everything in her

And for a few decades, she had to battle

It out with all the symptoms of trauma

Which made it impossible for her

To carry on day-to-day tasks or contacts

With other people, so she ended isolated.

When you met me, I felt out of options

After all of the years I'd been trying without

Ever yielding any success in my efforts

I felt beaten at the time, and didn't know

What to do anymore, it felt like I'd tried all

There was to try, I'd lost all hope at that point

But with time something happened along the

Way to shift things, and that girl hasn't been me

In a while now, so yes, everything's very good

And I'm really pleased to be able to say

Considering all the previous dark and gloom 

You used to have to read from me all those years

As a child, my family was well-off,

My brother and I could even be

Considered spoiled children who

Lacked absolutely nothing as far

As their basic needs went, and had

All the latest toys and things kids

Wanted in the 80's, 'cause their parents

Inundated them on Christmases

And birthdays with all they wanted.

(In winter, our dad would convert

Our backyard into an iceskating rink,

And mom bought us loads of clothes

And even sewed outfits we wanted too,

The nice things they did in contrast to

What was going on, there's a contradiction

There difficult to reconcile to this day)

But the instability of their mental

States made all of that pretty secondary,

When all of our space was occupied by

Mayhem, fear, and violent tendencies.

Yes, we pretty much had everything,

Except the love and security of parents.

It was a tense situation always having

To be on your toes to avoid harm,

So yes, we had everything, but not quite.

Then one day, mom decided we needed

To get away from dad, so we ran away

One after school afternoon, just picked

Up a few bags of clothes and left

Without warning or goodbyes to anyone.

Our new place is where began our life

In the severest of poverty, we had nothing.

The shelter found us an apartment and

The Salvation army furnished it all.

Mom was too sick by that point to be

Financially independent, so we had to

Rely on social assistance which wasn't

Much, plus mom wasn't all too there

To manage it well either.  So going

Hungry was something I had to learn

To deal with, and I did.  Not having

Clothes or boots, I also learned to

Deal with that.  We were just poor.

I've lived both extremes of financial

Situations, in different contexts, 

And both had a profound effect on me.

I wonder sometimes how my life

Would have turned out had things

Started on a different footing for me.

Everything was so hard for so long,

It really felt like there was no way out.

But somehow, I got there in the end.

- classmate from high school who was kind of a dick back then...

Can't say it's any more clearer now

Why you decided to contact me after

All of these years, considering how

Unkindly you used to treat me. 

So, what prompted you to do that?

Was it some sort of unconscious guilt?

It's not like you offered apologies,

You just contacted me to say hi?

Not that I'm upset about your treatment,

It's stuff that happened when we were kids,

But I'm sure you can see that from my

Perspective, it's all a little bizarre, really.

You clearly didn't like me very much,

So why the sudden urge to say hi now?

Il n'a suffit que leurs regards

se croisent, et dès ce moment,

ils ont su qu'ils vivraient une

belle histoire ensembles.

Ils ne savaient pas combien

belle qu'elle serait, mais ils

savaient qu'elle valait le coup,

le sentiment était presqu'inné.

Les voilà vingt ans plus tard,

tout aussi doux et aimants, 

vivant la meilleure histoire

d'amour et de complicité.

Ils sont devenus compagnons

pour la vie en un instant.

Ils ont su sans savoir que leur

union serait spéciale, alors

ils l'ont suivie pour la découvrir

ne sachant trop à quoi s'attendre.

Et ce fut la plus merveilleuse découverte.