kaashif

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i hope im doing the right thing.

dear diary

Written 2011-02-23

How would I start my story, where would I start my story?

I will tell you all I can remember , but all I can remember is nothing good, all I can ask myself was , what made it that I deserve this. I always say to everyone there is always someone that has it worse, I can't be more positive, but I don't feel that way, my face doesn't look right, my heart is hurting, sometimes and most of the time, it really hurts. Today I'm feeling it a bit down I don't know why. Maybe its because my brother got married last week and now there is a part of me gone, he has lived with me all my life, since he is married it just feels different. Like a void, like the hole is getting bigger.

But let me start my story, my life, just bear with me it might be a bit staggered

I remember we lived in Mitchell's plain when I was about 3years old and my mom and dad use to fight a lot, they pretty serious fights my dad use to beat my mom up, I remember once standing between two doorways , tears in my eyes , shivering with fear , when I looked at her that night she had two blue eyes, I did not know what was happening I remember when he had left we went upstairs and thru his clothes out the window, that was when my dad left us , that was the start of one fucked up life on earth.

Sometimes I think why have I got such a lot of hurt and anger in me, I'm a cold person , this force field I have , I need to get rid of it, I don't want to be this way , I need help but no one can help me.

Then my dad had left and we moved to my grannies house but my mom was still seeing my dad at the age of 4 my mom fell pregnant with my brother we moved back in with my dad but the same thing happened and we where out again, and it was officially over, when I was five my brother was born. My mom started dating she was seeing two guys at the time, I remember she asked use which one should she see, we said the one and she dated the other, she should have listened to use.

We stayed by my grams for a while , when I was about 7 she married that guy , well he seemed ok at the time , but you know how it is, we moved in with his mother and lived in a room in manenberg, he had two daughters as well.

My mom then bought a house in Mandalay, she was a teacher so she got housing subsidy and he was a loafer, worked the odd job for a fraudster. The things I went through in the beginning of my life was a walk in the park, because I was in store for a nightmare.

To be continued, when the mood is better. Talking about this brings back unpleasant memories


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