Please never you patronise me, if you know too well that this poem is bad. Give your genuine critique...


Osiers of the Moon


If I were a woman, I would marry you-
If the world could turn around, I would love to be in your arms
To feel the grills of the moon and watch the doves coo
To hear the birds sing from below the pines
And sit under the oak tree to hear the moonlight tales

I have stumbled on you after my wandering
And my eyes have been cobwebbed by your benevolence
My world has been plastered with the cement of your hands
For without your words, I would have been dispirited
Would have been scattered like the dust of the earth

I would love to stay beside you, even when my time ends
Even when I am thrown into the other side of the world
I would ravage like the osiers of the moon
The whistling pines would mottle incongruously like the swans
Swapping the rivers, the waters and the gutters

I have seen your kind; I have seen you
I have damped and cramped myself with comparison
But nothing pelts me with stones
I have listened to the birds sing your songs
And I have been seduced to dance to your drums




Poetry by Onyeka Nwelue
Read 998 times
Written on 2006-06-15 at 10:32

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Christian Ward
I enjoyed reading this but don't get a couple of things:

1) The title: I don't understand how the title relates to the poem. I looked up the word 'osiers' and the dictionary said it was willow branches, as well as meaning trees that belonged to the willow family.

In your opening stanza are you refering to the willows?

2) I'm confused by this:

'To feel the grills of the moon'

What do you mean by this?
2006-06-15


Victoria Pearson
I will just comment on the word usage..I find that you have an excellent use of words in the right places....

Many of the words you use are not often used in poetry writing...but you do well at that.....as far as the essence of the piece..you know that, so I will not comment on that...I wish you well.

Thanks for sharing...
2006-06-15


Kathy Lockhart
wow, I am somewhat uncomfortable in commenting on your poetry. In my opinion, such as it is, or matters, this is a marvelous write. I believe that only you can feel who's opinion is valued as legitimate or patronizing. I, as a reader and commentator, can only give you my honest evaluation of each of your poems I read. Mine may differ from other's that you value more learned in poetry and writing. Please understand that if it does, it is not because of my trying patronize you, but it is because of my own feelings and opinions. kathy
2006-06-15


lastromantichero The PoetBay support member heart!
i too d9o not patronise it is a lovely poem so just relax and enjoy your skill rgds Mike
2006-06-15


Zoya Zaidi
Now if you don't think, that is patronising, I would like to tell you that it is a beautiful poem.
***hugs***
Love, xxx, Zoya
2006-06-15