i was the quiet one   am the quiet one

my cousin tells me

i was the same as invisible

my grandmother told me i was somber

my mother said   smile

my father didn't know what to make of me

i thought i was me   no more no less

with friends to play with

at recess and after school   slept like a baby

except for the nightmares   apparently

i mis-remember my childhood

my dark visage   my dark thoughts   i see it now

in the mirror   in others' eyes   it's as if 

i grew up in the shade of a redwood   and never saw the sun

~

marketa reads this   she hates introspection

self-defining assessments

theories on parents and childhood

she tells me i'm too serious   i roll my eyes

thanks sweetie   

for the confirmation

lin tells me not to take it personally   oh   sure   ok

how should i take it

i want to go for a long run   but it's hot

and i'm tired and defeated   mostly tired

mostly defeated

so i write these shitty lines   

and wish i were one of the musicians

i'm hearing as i type