Life in the home can be a headache.


Do You Want Peace and Sanctuary? Don 't Look For It in Your Own Home!



Your home is your place of peace and sanctuary. Ha! Sometimes your home can be a place of aggravating torture. I will tell you why.

Appliances! They are designed to make life in the home easier. They lighten the load of work that people a hundred years ago drudged under.

Ha! The truth is this: Appliances from the refrigerator down to the electric can opener have a relentless grudge against you and evil intentions towards you.

An example is the conventional cooking stove. Many drooling concoctions can be turned out of its bowels. Sometimes what you put into the stove it refuses to cook properly, turning your creation into something that looks like it was expelled from a volcano.

You pop in something such as a nice casserole or some chocolate chip cookies. You expect that what you put into the stove will get done, in the required amount of time. You trust the stove more than you trust rubbing two sticks together. You can not cook an apple pie with sticks but a stove will cook it nice! Right! Ha! You check your creation a few times.

"Ooh, it's coming along fantastically ! "

"I'll check it again, it is not quite done yet. "

" I will have enough time for a quick jot to the bathroom or to play light speed with the television remote. "

You come back to the glorious stove.

"Open up your mouth. "

"No! What happened? I was only gone one minute! There is nothing left but crispy cinders ! "

At this time all is gone and lost. It will not help if you aim a vicious dent into the side of your enemy.

Learn this lesson: Never done enough or too well done. If you do not sit and stare at the stove and baby-sit it, asking the stove to open its mouth and stick out its tongue every minute then just forget it and pull out your sticks!

What room in your home is the most useful? Can you guess? It is the bathroom, the wondrous bathroom! The engineering marvel of all ages!

It is the invention of various striving minds that solved the problem of washing in a river visited by deer, bears, and raccoons. They invented a better place for privacy without having to locate a bush away from spying eyes. They eliminated the problem of visiting an odorous shack.

Oh! The gleaming porcelain benedictions of our thoughtful ancestors! They suffered in agony just so we could have one place to visit, to wash, and to brush our teeth. Ha! They never took a shower!

All you want after a hair - pulling, teeth - gritting day is to refresh yourself in the gushing warmth of the shower. The shower has different thoughts. It looks upon this poor, pummeled human who only wants the blissful peace of tranquil waters and with gleeful mischief it spews Arctic ice water all over you!

You gasp so hard your tongue and eyeballs are gulped down your throat. Next, you scream like an air raid siren. You jerk about like an electrocuted crash dummy. You try to squeegee up the side of the shower stall to get away from the frigid blast.

"Is someone turning on a faucet? "

What if you are alone? Most of the time it happens for no reason. It is just one of life's surprises you have to learn to tolerate. Why can't it just happen once? Would you rather be drenched by cold water or would you rather jump into the nearest river to be surprised by floating yuck and wriggling creatures that want a piggyback ride? I would rather take my chances with the shower.

Next I will mention the flusher. The flusher is a wonderful device. It was invented by people who were tired of wearing clothespins on their noses and seeing frightening things.
Out of sight, out of mind, right? That is why the flusher was invented.

So it is designed to flush, right? What goes down must stay down. Flush, flush, a dozen times, it will not go down. It would be easier to sink a whale then to sink what is in the toilet.

You jiggle the flusher like you are tapping out a telegraph message. You churn butter with the plunger. You dabble for apples in the tank. The porcelain monster refuses to cooperate even if you plunge its guts out. Just slap dab an outhouse in the back yard, stick a clothespin on your nose and be prepared to see frightening things. You can still churn butter if the outhouse gets stopped up.

I will say some words about light bulbs now. The bright invention from Edison, whose wife was tired of cleaning up the matches he left behind after countless all - nighters.

Did Edison design the original light bulb so that it would never blow? He started over a hundred years of chain blowouts. More light bulbs blow every second around the world then people blow bubbles with chewing gum. All packages of light bulbs should have this warning printed on the side:

" This product is very cheap! "

I think an imaginative, inventive genius should make a talking light bulb. The light bulb could give a warning when it is about to blow.

If light bulbs could talk though, we would treat it as an annoying beneficial proclamation like the alarm clock and smash it with our fist. In the case of the light bulb it could be a broom handle. Hey! The light bulb was going to blow anyway!

Light bulbs never blow at convenient times such as when you are ready for bed. The light bulb never thinks this:

" Oh, you are ready for bed. I'll blow myself out, so you do not have to tire your finger flipping off the switch. "

No, light bulbs blow when you are in the middle of taking your bath. Trying to find a bar of soap in the dark brings you back in time to when you were a baby and liked to splash in the water. Except this time you are not gurgling or spitting bubbles.

Light bulbs blow when you are having dinner and you are about to take a swig of your beverage. Instead of directing the drink to your mouth, you snorkel your nose in it. You could spackle your cheeks with mashed potatoes or you could make your lap into a gravy boat.
If you are tired of light bulb blowouts, just light a candle and carry it all over your home. Be careful when you are in the bathroom you do not drop it in the toilet. If this happens you could try to find a towel and torch that for a light.

Another source of tension in the home is intruders. Your home can be straitjacket airtight; some critter can still find its way into the tiniest hole or crack. You would think that a hole or crack smaller than most known insects could not admit the body of any creepy creature. They still manage to push and squeeze their way in. Critters are not happy climbing or leaping in the trees, crawling under rocks, or skittering through the grass. They have to make your home their personal party time place.

They buzz in your face in the morning when you are having a snort fest. Late at night when you are watching television, a gruesome crawler patters across your feet. When you are looking in the cupboard for a tasty tidbit there are two small black eyes gleaming at you above a mouth munching your pretzels.

You arm yourself with a rolled up magazine, fly swatter, or broom, whatever you can whack the brains out of the intruder. You careen around the house like a tornado, sucking dust balls up your nose looking under the bed. You are attacked by flying pots and pans as you look in the cupboards.

You can look everywhere; you will not find them. They will find you. They play slip and slide up your nose when you are sleeping. They leave little rolled up brownies in the silverware drawer. They Old Mother Hubbard your pantry.

Even though you set out flypaper, flies still square dance all over your pork chops. Even though you set out mousetraps, the little buggers are more clever than a safecracker is! Poison, Ha! Why would whiskered marauders want to eat tasteless poison! When there are better things to scarf in your bountiful cupboards such as cookies, chips, and boxes of O's, squares, and flakes!

What can you do against the endless battle? For many years people have tried to outsmart brains no bigger than a zit, this has not won the battle. The devious monsters are always snickering in the darkness. As you kiss the floor and stick your butt in the air with traps and poison. You bungee jump with flypaper off the ceiling. Who is having all the fun you or them?
The only thing to do is leave the house to the creeps and skedaddle up a tree. You can tweak squirrels on their tails and play horsy on a branch. This way you can have lots of fun. As the intruders break out the popcorn and watch you out the window.

The last item I want to discuss is this television remote control. It was invented by people who were tired of getting sore sitting in the floor in front of the television changing channels.
The most mild of people can become demons of power when a remote is placed in their hand. Operating the remote can change a person into the ultimate dictator. One of the most soothing activities in using the remote is flipping through all the channels in one second. This causes your eyes to become whip lashed and flash burned.

Although the remote can be a gleeful gadget, there is also headache sometimes associated with it. This is when the remote is lost. You spend hours searching around the room, shoving your hands down chair and couch cushions. You find everything else such as spare change, pens, pencils, chip crumbs, popcorn, candy, crossword puzzles, magazines, jewelry, spoons, forks, and toothpicks. You can not find the remote. Maybe it was sucked into the television. You look under the couch finding more magazines. You also find newspapers, catalogs, socks, empty chip bags, and soda cans, still no remote.

People usually do not look under the chair or couch cushions or even bother to look under the couch until they lose the remote. That is why a vast accumulation can be located in these areas. There can be a whole snack aisle from a grocery store in the chair and couch cushions and a whole newsstand parked under your couch.

At this point, after you have looked for days for the remote, it is lost for good. You should skip to the store and buy a new one. A cure for lost objects is to buy a replacement. You can then have double the pleasure as you now have a remote for each hand. You can change channels twice as fast. Instead of your eyes getting whip lashed, they can spin around in your head like toy tops. Neat! You can now take a peep at your brain!

After that very long spiel, what do you think about the hectic life you have to go through in your home? Does it make you want to buy a tent and plop it in the nearest woods? The only things you would have to worry about are bears and making sure critters never snuggle into your sleeping bag. Oh, come on! A tent can never be compared to your lovely home, can it? After all, home is where you hang your heart!








Words by Amy Buchanan
Read 432 times
Written on 2006-10-11 at 04:17

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Phyllis J. Rhodes
Really enjoyed and related to this Amy. Someday I'll write my adventures with a salad shooter.
2006-10-22