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Cold night

I felt your warm hand touched my
cold chin
The snowflakes was falling from an empty
space in the sky
Like white faces
they landed on my lips
We were both covered in snow
Like big hands
pulling us together
In the dark
Two eyes
Staring at nothing
Never to be seen again.

Poetry by Nenne
Read 874 times
Written on 2005-09-27 at 20:13

Tags Sadness 

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D'Antay Web
there is a poignant stillness of a moment captured... pictures of fallen snowflakes on the moon lit darkness;a feeling that pervaded my very own (personal) way of seeing - thus, the flittering love-like prose (epoch) of reminiscence... a cold night that warms the sensual heart. Good work.

Christoffer Waye
I like this peom it is almost as you feel the coldness of the snow, wonderfull :D

An excellent piece!
I agree with chasingtheday about the suggested changes.
Otherwise a fantastic stillness - and the simile of white faces falling was really original, I think!
This poem also gives me a pang of recollection, since I lived in Norway for many years (in Kongsberg).

I have no idea what a basic A-C rhyme is.
However, I feel like a poem is like your hearts voice. Not something who need rules of how it should be written...

John Ashleigh
The first and third like need working on, but I have to give this a 4. The reason being because this is a very original peice and you haven't used the basic A-C rhyme like I see al l the time.

Great xx
2005-09-28 Moods The PoetBay support member heart!
i get a feeling of departure (death or breakup) with the choice of words... the atmosphere of the situation definitely chilling... thanks for sharing :f

later... xx

chasingtheday The PoetBay support member heart!
i would change touched to touch.
was falling to were falling.

other than those two points, it is a good piece, though that third line looks a little long compared to the others, perhaps breaking it in half?

snow - it's not all snowballs and fun i suppose, it can be deadly too.

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