When old times catch up at the wrong moment

"What! I can't remember those messages at all??!"
I'm looking in a different direction, trying to avoid her look.

"I don't remember those hate-messages. I remember thos to Rebecca but..."
I just don't want to hear it, I just don't want to talk about those stupid messages; the only thing I can remember from primary. She's my best friend, but I won't even let her push it. I'm not talking about that horrible period of life. You never knew when you were a friend and when you were dirt. I had to walk from the classrooms alone, noone was waiting - and if I tried to wait she sometimes got angry. You don't need to wait for me!

"Could you at least tell me when this was?"
"Look, I really don't wanna talk about it."
"Why?"
"Just stop it."
"Why? Was I so horrible?!"
"I just don't wanna talk about it. Past is past!"
And I seriously hope it will remain past. I've got enough trouble allready. Phobies, unreasonnable fears and bad relationships. Those I do are more dued to my family though. But still, why talk about something you can't do anything about. Or am I just too afraid of reminding everyone of how big a loser I was? Because that is what I remember. How enough was never enough and how I never stood up for myself.

Those hate-messages she send me... they were not really the kind a send to Rebecca. Mine were for showing, but hers really tore something in my heart. And I still feel unwanted, and I'll always feel unwanted. At least when it comes to childhood.



Diary by Angie-M
Read 754 times
Written on 2007-01-25 at 22:15

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