After reading "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, I decided to write my own self-affirmation. Loved her strength.

The Pit of Hope

Well here it is... my dear John letter to the world... the world or anybody who cares enough to listen. Once again it's after 1am and I'm sitting at my trusty computer chain smoking like an old steam train, wondering what the hell has happened in my life to lead me to the place I am now, and why it feels so empty.

After reading countless self-help books I am fully aware of where I should mentally be but like reading the warnings on a cigarette packet, I am fully aware of what is bad for me but choose to ignore it! The heart wants what it wants... anyone who has ever loved anybody totally, with their whole heart knows about the gaping hole in the pit of your stomach at this hour of the morning. You can try an fill it with mind numbing substances, vaccous positive power novels, pornography... or research the stars.
The answers are never there. Perhaps some are, but the mind is closed while the heart pines and aches for something that perhaps wasn't even all that good for you. That emptiness sits like a hungry impatient child waiting to be fulfilled.

I guess it's because we all need to know we matter, somehow, to somebody. To know you have loved someone and they are happier in the arms of another... or to be alone rather than be with you is hardly character building.. rather more of an assasination. And to understand there is simply no use hanging on when that person can't love you back is even more difficult to swallow. Sure you can stick a band aid on the situation by sleeping with someone else, but in the light of the morning when the taxi pulls out... he won't stay for coffee or even look you in the eye you realise that what might have felt like love at the time was merely a dress rehearsal for the main event.. it wasn't real. And the black hole gets bigger.

So much for the "love the one you're with theory"'s like that stuff you spray into your tyres when you get a flat.. it will get you to the next stop but then you are going to have to eventually change the tyre. So much for the metaphorical spare!

So I stand in front of the mirror... a semi attractive slightly plump 36 year old woman, scars of childbearing still evident, but I wear them proudly, wondering when or if anyone will ever cherish and adore this old faithful fool as much as I think I need. When will I feel a larger set of arms around mine, protecting me from the worlds hurts and disappointments, nuzzling my neck and breathing me in like fresh air, making me feel for just that moment like nothing else in the world matters? Is it an unreachable dream? Is everyone essentially selfish? Am I, for wanting to be the center of anothers world?
Is is wrong to long for the symbiotic relationship we all dream of? All these
questions and a million more form in my head and dissipate. Not "poor me" but "why not me?"

Love has torn through the pages of my life like a cyclone, leaving devastation in its wake... yet I still sift through these shreds looking for what was real... to know that at some point I really was loved, that I meant SOMETHING.... SOMEWHERE. That it wasn't all lies, and at some point I did matter, and he wasn't sending text messages to another woman at least at the start. That when he talked about buying that house and fostering children together he really believed it, not just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. That he meant everything he said and one or two arguments wouldn't be enough to make him run away, forgetting how many promises we made to each other. Leaving me to deal with the humilliation of failure... answering the question "why", when all my friends and family noticed he wasn't there anymore. My answer was simply..... "Because he couldn't love me."

Has a man the right to seek perfection when he cannot provide it himself? Who is this person that makes me question my own worthiness to recieve love? Is it not my divine right as a warm blooded human being to have a loving, caring companion to grow old with? Why is this generally treated as some kind of weakness when even some animals pair for life? Is it not part of human nature and all other living things to need warmth and support, not a vunerability to feel guilt and shame over? So many questions! Well THIS I do know;

I AM worthy of love. I am NOT weak. I AM the woman who will walk through the fire with him, and not turn back. I will raise my arms to the full moon screaming "YES!!!", because I dare to try again. Beyond the cruelty and the pain, I am willing to allow each expression of love into my life with the wide eyed curiosity of a child for the sheer joy of it.

Because it is only in these moments I can truly feel ALIVE!!!

With this knowledge I can curl up on my lounge (my bed is still too big), listen to the sound of my son's gentle snoring and the clock ticking in the kitchen, and smile quietly to myself as i snuggle into my quilt. It's 3am,the hole in my heart is still there, but the wanting comforts me, as I know that as long as I still WANT to love... I CAN!!

I am not that damaged, I am resilliant and steadfast. I can still see the beauty of life around me and live for the day I find the soul that touches mine. I can strive to love everyone around me better, casting aside their inabilities, and learn not take their short-comings as my own. I can still laugh, I can still grieve... I can still breathe.


Diary by Purple Phoenix
Read 840 times
Written on 2009-01-19 at 06:51

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