bf asked me to write about why i was so sad on new year's. this is what came out.

Comfortable in my discomfort

I sat, blank, the the steam thick around my head. I absentmindedly scratched my arm, thinking of everything. Of you, of us, but mostly me. What was wrong. I sighed. Maybe I was twisted inside. My heart was just wrong.
I stoped scratching my arm. I could feel the heat pulsing through my skin. I laughed inwardly. You said this would help. That I'd wonder why I was so upset about it in the end. Today is the 4th. You told me to write about new year's eve, find the reason it happened that way. I still dont have one.
I lied, I do have one, but its not worthy of poetry. I was depressed. I saw no motivation in anything. Nothing was safe and nothing I loved could save me. No one I loved. You couldn't pull me out and that put me over the edge, sent me headfirst to that dark place.
I started humming a tune "laughing and crying, you know it's the same release." I never understood depression. I recall someone saying it was a safe place. You never want to leave. You know it's unhealthy, hurtful and destructive but you can't stop. Like a drug.
I brought my legs up to my chest and rested my head against my knees. I watched the mist clinging to the glass, creating thousands of glistening droplets. You told me i was strong. That i could break through this. It was easy to believe you when my cheeks were dry; but a completely different story when that monster grabs a hold.
I sighed and rested my head back against the wall, my hair clinging to the dampness. I could feel that beast's cold fingers around my heart, squeezing the joy out of it little by little. I knew I could beat this. If not me than who else? He was the only one who came close. And he tried painstakingly but I shut him out. Because I felt sorry for myself. No more. If this was depression I wanted nothing to do with it. I will be strong. I see that heartbreak in his eye everytime I cry. I can't put up with that.
If I try to fix this i don't know who it will be for, me or him. Maybe neither. It will be for us.

Words by dre
Read 739 times
Written on 2009-01-23 at 06:03

dott Save as a bookmark (requires login)
dott Write a comment (requires login)
dott Send as email (requires login)
dott Print text