re-write


Grey

She stands among the grey scape with
So many muted colours inside her
But today is a day of monochrome miasmas-
Of grey gulls that skim the pewter river
With wings that know such measures.

The greyness leeches her to the technicolour
World she knew long ago
Somewhere down the road.
A cauldron of rage wages above her
Filled with the bursts of brigands of
A turbulent restless beauty.

There's a rainbow now.

As it archly shows it palette she sees
The separation looming ever nearer...
Above the bow is cobalt
Beneath a mere flat grey.

Underneath her umbrella she enjoys
The puttered thwacks of soft water indenting
Taut fabric with a firework crack
Suddenly she's back
Her shoes are black and her eyes are grey
She wishes everyone a million miles away
She wishes everyone could stay.



Poetry by jenks The PoetBay support member heart!
Read 463 times
Written on 2010-03-02 at 01:43

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jenks The PoetBay support member heart!
i of course responded to comments by private message and then realised this is the pool :)
brian hit it on the head about the brigands...
second time around it didn't work for me...
any more suggestions welcome.
I'm new to the pool and think it could be a refuge...
one can always hope...

question...
why is there only one monopolies commission?
2010-03-04


Brian Oarr
Glad to see you brave the cuisenart of the Pool, Linda. I would call you brave, but I suspect there's not much you fear. :-)

The title line says this is a re-rwrite ... bravo! All serious poets rewrite. A favorite of mine, Thomas Hardy is said to have continued to re-rwite his poems until the day of his death. Many of them had been published years before.

This is a superb poem which still could use a little tweaking. I especially like the last stanza which drips with wonderful aural imagery.

Here are some thoughts on where some work might still be in order: in the second stanza these lines seem cumbersome ...

"A cauldron of rage wages above her
Filled with the bursts of brigands of
A turbulent restless beauty."

You might try ...

"A cauldron of rage wages above her
Filled with bursts of brigands rapidly
aboil with turbulent restless beauty."

First line in the 4th stanza has a typo ... should read:
" shows its palette"

I especailly liked how you kept the verb tense of the poem firmly rooted in the here-and-now. Present tense action verbs are always a good choice.

Great first poem for the Pool, Linda. :-)

Language: 4
Format: 4
Mood: 5
Overall: 4
2010-03-03


Rob Graber
I like especially the absoluteness of her terminal ambivlanence...
2010-03-02


NicholasG
As usual, a very enjoyable read. The potential for fabulous colours is there, somewhere in us. Our perceptions are amazing. Your writings fill the mind's eye.
Thank you Linda.

Language: 5
Format: 5
Mood: 5
Overall: 5
2010-03-02