Christin Brennan
hey Morpheus, i appreciated your comments on I Sleep, they were very kind, so i thought i read some of your stuff. i think i might be the only honest, blunt critiquer here, so let me know if you have a problem with it :)

here we go...
-'But in 4 minutes off the lights go-'> this is a really awkard sounding line, especially when read aloud.

-'Maybe it's because I just weep/ Like a child every night.'> a mamoth cliche that will only cheapen this poem. it's just poor writing to put it nicely..you get the picture

-'I hate them. Good night. Again.'> this ending is so sudden i almost jumped, & then it's such a weird little dwarf of a last line, i didn't know what to think. it is so elementary it seems hard to follow because of how pointless this line is. 'i hate them' is on the edge of acceptance but 'good night. again' is where we plumett down the black hole. who are you saying good night to? & to write about someone living in a psyche ward, good night, when read aloud once again, sounds optimistic & seems disrespectful for this intimately forlorn poem that holds it's tone the whole way through until the last line shatters everything you've worked to give to the reader

-finally, the areas of the poem i didn't mention above, in my personal opinion, talk the talk but don't walk the walk. this peom's weakness is it simply tells nothing at all, because not one line shows the reader anything to hang onto. don't get me wrong-i have been & even in some recent pieces called out at times that tell here & there, & it's actually been my weakness, & i constantly have to fight it, so i know how hard it is to detect. i would recommend practicing awareness when you write. ask yourself if you're doing it line by line. that's what i do

cheers,
christin
2010-04-16

Stan Cooper
Hi Morpheus...enjoyed reading this insightful write of yours...

Hell, we can't always keep running (or watching tv) to escape,
can we?

Stan
2010-04-11