I told u so!

Take a deep breath
And let it go..
Take another deep breath
And let it go..
Take a deeper breath,
Until it reaches ur soul,
With A deep dark sigh,
Just let it go...

As long as u try
As long as u know
U can tell urself
I told u so!

For the moon will still shine
As it always shone
The sun will still rise
For another dawn
So all u can do is look forlorn

Just take a deep breath
And let it go...




Poetry by Zoey Jane
Read 763 times
Written on 2010-06-15 at 08:15

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hmmmmm nice.. I wil try for these sort of breaths

Language: 5
Format: 4
Mood: 5
Overall: 5
2011-07-05


Stan Cooper The PoetBay support member heart!
Well Zoey...I took a deep breath and let it go and enjoyed
your poem immensely

So from now on, whenever I take a deep breath, I'll
be thinking of your enjoyable poem

xxx Stan

Language: 3
Format: 4
Mood: 5
Overall: 4
2010-11-25


Hans Bump The PoetBay support member heart!
Hi I really like the message and the way you've constructed the pattern so that it takes you along with it.

For me however, the message got diluted by the use of the shorthand -- U--ur-- ,ect.
One other thing,and I might be wrong because my grammar's
only average, but I believe "has shone" fits better and makes it smoother.
You have a good poem that with some minor tweaks could be a great poem.

PS I'm still a relative novice so I hope you don't mind the constructive criticism. We're a talented bunch and it's how our work gets better. Happy to read you work I liked it.
Hans Bump

Language: 3
Format: 4
Mood: 4
Overall: 4
2010-06-27