I don't really know what to title this
or even if it is done or if I like where I went before the man appears
but I would kinda like some feedback if anyone wants to offer it


A Winter Poem

Every so often on a mid-February night
a cloud passes through at a time too early for rain
but too late for snow.

And in this maelstrom of confused weather
everything stops for a moment and
waits...

Then it comes down
the tiny ice crystals
drifting down, melting softly as they bless the ground.

And suddenly a chill passes through
and the lightly glazed world
turns to glimmering ice shells.

A thin, protective coat
guards each branch and tree limb,
every blade of grass held safely in place.

As the cloud floats past
the moon appears and casts a soft light
down on the sparkly wonderland, glistening in the darkness.

A man ventures outside at this time
to see the world so guarded,
yet fragile.

He ambles over to the split-rail fence,
being sure to step carefully along the path
before running his hand over the smooth icing along the top timber.

Seeing no one around and nothing alive
he decides to leave this natural glory
feeling suddenly out of place.

As he turns, mid-thought,
he steps haphazardly on a nearby tuft of grass,
shattering the protective icy membranes.

Ashamed at his folly,
he weeps, his light tears falling
down to where his foot had landed.

The man hurries inside carefully to avoid further harm,
not seeing that his tears had turned to ice,
once more guarding the glimmering world.



Poetry by TubaGiant
Read 742 times
Written on 2011-02-23 at 07:58

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Sun.Moon.Stars.Rain
Beautiful beautiful beautiful BEAUTIFUL. We are discussing imagery in my creative writing course right now, and I really want to make everyone in my class read this poem. Then I will shake some of them and be like "BE BETTER!!"

But no, seriously, this is gorgeous. I could really see everything you described as a moving image in my head. There are just a few random edits that I can send you in an email or something if you want, but overall this is a very smooth, polished piece.

<3
2011-02-24


Morgan Cellohead
Firstly, I absolutely LOVE the imagery. This is poetry indeed. Secondly, you have a typo - 5th stanza, 3rd line. Thirdly, I cannot really think how I would change this excellent poem, aside from maybe making the ending a little less explicit (by that point the reader has already inferred what is happening, use that space for something else, maybe? I don't know.) Love it.
2011-02-23