Does Love Bind you or set you Free?


LoveLost



I face a plain truth
the words you speak as i swoon
I am entangled up with you
let us try not to collide.


In the Vacuum you left behind
I am lost in the time
finally space for you in my mind.


when this story ends
my words will crumble to the ground.


I can no longer hear your sound...............


N





Poetry by Nige
Read 631 times
Written on 2011-07-18 at 16:16

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Christin Brennan
the first two stanzas need a lot of help. overall, (this is the place to give raw, honest crits as i understand) this piece as a whole fell somewhere in the middle. nothing memorable in these lines but nothing dreadful either. this piece might benefit from a jolt of lightning truthfully. S2 is on the verge of ridiculous thanks to the vacuum thing-what? this is not a smart metaphor. it's like saying she left behind a blender that chopped your heart to peices since she's gone, & you're lost somewhere in the blades...do you see how that might sound now?? & unfortunately like most of this poem the 1st stanza is all tell, all talk, no interactive or enlivening depth.

best of luck,
christin

Language: 2
Format: 2
Overall: 2
Mood: 2
2011-07-23