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Murakumo II

Written 2020-04-05

If I can be brave and follow you to your darkest place, will you also be brave enough to run after yours or will you turn back and run away?

Sleepless nights
Restless thoughts
Dead days
Roaring emotions

Only this diary knows what lies in the deepest pit of my brain and heart. As I flip through the pages, the memories are running around in my head like they are trying to catch each other up. As I flip through the pages, the emotions I have trace my heart repeatedly like they are drawing a perfect circle.

How long has it been since I have felt this way?
How long has it been since I have honestly told you how I feel?
How long has it been since you have welcomedand accepted the darkest and deepest me?

Reaching the last page of this diary, all the memories and emotions seemed to have collided, exploded and vanished instantly like my life's reset button has been pressed. I am staring at a blank page. I am staring at nothingness. The hourglass on the table that I have not turned upside down for years seemed to be calling out to me.

Time stopped since then. And so are the memories and feelings. As I crawled up from the bottom to feel the heat of the sun, I didn't know I will go blind. I lost touch of my thoughts and emotions. Even if they are haunting me and not making me sleep, I continuously discarded them like how I continuously disposed the things I do not need because I can always replace them.

You must be thinking I am insane. I do too. It is hilarious that even my sanity finds me funny and jokes with me. It must be nice to be a kid again and to just be honest with everything. With my thoughts and feelings, with my family and friends. With you.

Why did I end up like this?
Since when did I become good at lying about my thoughts and feelings to everybody?
Why do I continue to do this?
What am I hiding?
What is it that I am afraid to expose?
Is this just a self-preservation?
Is this just to protect myself from all the pain and hatred?
Is this what I really want?
Is this what you want to see?

I think life has become a trend that I feel the need to catch up and be in or I will be boring and not accepted.

It's hard... Catching up is hard but I need to do it. It defines me. It makes me forget that I am a nobody...

Since when did I start thinking that I am a nobody?


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May we all find calm amidst all chaos.

Murakumo I

Written 2020-02-05

The words that I scribbled in my old notebook years ago that I buried in the deepest cave of my head are being dug up by silence. The oblivion that I used to stare at breaks into pieces like a fragile mirror of a forgotten identity.

I begin to recall the days I felt the most desperate. I want to be free. I want to not be afraid to think and to feel. I want to scream out that I, too, have something to fight for.

As a home crumbles inside the house, I ran away. I felt that I also abandoned the many memories I have, painting the caverns inside my head with colours I am blind to. I wrote my first poem in the corner with my lap that served as a foundation of my first diary and pen. That is when I began to write about myself and then I run away. I did not think about survival. I just want to run away from what I used to be. For I believe in things I do not know and all the things I know, I have refused to accept and to abide to.

So the fears I have left behind then, I carried them again with me. I forged the ideals I have kept in me with the feelings I only have. Maybe I was wrong, truly wrong but my heart burns with passion, a fire only as strong as I protect.

I continue to fight even if I have never won and all I only count are my losses. It sure is a bizzare way of survival amidst all the chaos inside my head. It is the only way I know. I do not wish to live in fears but what would be left of me if I leave behind that which makes me fight? The fears have always confronted me but not once did I try listening to to defend myself, to fight for myself, to fight against myself.

As I scribbled these words in this piece of paper where all my thoughts reside, I found myself having bouts of arguments inside my head and a universe was born once again. Hence, I welcome the matters of right and wrong, mending contradictions only I know how. I rather lose than to endlessly run away for there is a home I found where I like to stay.



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Diary

2020

April (1)
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