Thanks Tony for all your help. It was hard but becuase of you this poem is as good as it could be.


This Path ~4th and Final Revision~

Beyond this worn road before me
I pause to justly consider fate,
A time to significantly reflect upon
The past. More than the future offers
I see: dreams, yet to come true,
Night, a fading facade for my fallacies
And one resolution that seems to ensue.

My tread marks in the road are worn
Just as my mind is within this current travel,
Telling myself that the future waits; stirs
And the past recedes and settles.
This, is in fact, false--
The timeless void between the two
Brings my journey to a standstill;
Each bump visible in the path ahead
Obstructs my ability to discern right from wrong.

A sense of longing.... desperation and fear
Inhibits my grasp of advancing.
I proceed with caution,
One foot in front of the other.
As I drift away from the wrongs committed
I am enveloped in a shroud.
On this road that should hold much promise
I focus on my rite of passage
Yet I worry about parting with this milestone
For the future, the new rite
The present surely holds refuge from what has happened
And what has yet to occur.
I second guess my final journey
Of which I am still traveling, journeying, looking upon.
Just as the sun rises with the setting of the full moon
My parting with the present must occur,
My walk on the road must wear with passing time,
The summer road's heat must slow me down,
The winter road's chill must stop me dead.
This shroud contains what I fear most
Departure from the present.

My past holds me from advancing
While the future hold pleasure and pain.
The present is my only refuge.
Only the contemplation within
Can wear the shroud that envelops; impales
So I can make my journey
My rite of passage
Not the final, but first, which brings the fear
Of all the passages that will come.




Poetry by Coolaaron88 The PoetBay support member heart!
Read 1183 times
Written on 2007-01-03 at 00:02

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richard ugbede ali
i think this is very fine aaron. ols keep it up!
2007-03-08


Colin Skilton
Exquisite my old friend, very stunningly visual and poignant.
Takes the reader down paths he has stayed away from and watched as the dust rises in the far off horizon wondering whio or what has caused it and then continues to stay in the comfortable sleeve we trap ourselves in and the world passes us by time and time again.

Language: 5
Format: 5
Mood: 5
Overall: 5
2007-02-03


Almaz
Beautiful.. I really liked this one! Now I'll have to read the others..
Thank u for a nice visit:)/Almaz
2007-01-29


salem
this way in writing is so beautiful
i like it
thanx

Language: 5
Format: 5
Mood: 5
Overall: 5
2007-01-15


Brooke Michelle
this was relle good to read... i loved it!!

Love
The
Uwriten

Language: 5
Format: 5
Mood: 5
Overall: 5
2007-01-03


Kathy Lockhart The PoetBay support member heart!
This was a pleasure to read Aaron. Your diligence has paid off.
2007-01-03


tony legba
(My part in this was minimal...Thomas has a good point about critical DIALOGUE--it does not harm).

This has grown in length. (Rather like a wicked early poem of yours). But the length does reflect growth in thought.

Language: the vocabulary is polished, even for "someone who writes beyond his years." The brittleness of the line "fading facade for my fallacies", its elegant richness, catches well the dangers of false temptation. Very Spenserian. The poem balances a real journey with a mental journey. The poem fully exploits the conceptual metaphor that reading is a journey. Throughout the poem, you use images of transition very well.

Format: your verse paragraphs function well. The free-verse is successful, more in the English than American tradition, Eliot rather than Olson, and you use line turnings well to build up suspense and suggest the suspension of thought.

The mood is wholly satisfying, being mystical, yet never vague. It is built through a relevant vocabulary: shroud, sun, full moon, night, refuge, contemplation etc. The poem is a dramatic monologue that reveals a moment of crisis. In tone, the poem has elements of Okri.

Overall, as the poem has content and technique, so it achieves a sense of form. All elements work together to produce something that has a personal voice.

This is a mature piece of work about growing up. It talks the talk and walks it as well.

Language: 5
Format: 5
Mood: 5
Overall: 5
2007-01-03

Texts




In Deep Thought
by Coolaaron88