Current Mood:  alright, reflecting on things...

Current Music:  "Cecilia" - Simon & Garfunkel

 

NOTE:  2020 07 01  09H37 EST  Thoughts for D. -




Thoughts for D.

 

- over the years, I've written many times about my friend's suicide... the demolished state I found him in that night, it really wreaked havoc on my well-being for quite a number of years... although this is a devastating memory, and my writing about it now might suggest otherwise, I'm ok... as life is moving on, I'm at a point where I'm taking the time to realize how far things have come in my circumstances... so, here are different thoughts for D. today... the song was D.'s favorite even though in our youth it was considered an oldie...

 

- D. died at the age of 20, on 2 October 1996...

 

 

We were so young, our hearts so tender,

easily bruised, although battered at that point...

And mine's most devastating demolition was

the night I didn't make it on time to stop him

from another attempt on his life...

Got there much, much too late...

 

For what felt like unending decades, that scene

has followed me, has haunted, and maimed

my mind, which, too happy to comply, went

all out to make me believe it was my failure.

For the longest time, it crushed me...

It damned near broke me forever...

 

Not denying thinking on it all still stings, but I can

today acknowledge a lessening in the throbbing

intensity, and destructivity, it's been all these

years.  Will I ever forget?  I seriously doubt it.

But I think other thoughts now, such as how he'd

have been like today had he been able to give it time...

 

I find myself daydreaming of a different outcome :

Of his happy eyes, his smiles, and his laugh... of

how he's surrounded to give all the care he had.

Of beauty, love gracing his space on a daily basis,

like he'd never had it, or could dream of... of

his life finally in its rightful cradle of affection.

 

I like to imagine that his torment would've

done like mine did, it'd have waned in time.

Sadness; no blame am I pointing at him for having

listened to the moment which tricked him, and

stole every last bit of his already weary endurance

against the pain with no end, no stopping in sight...

 

'Older' and more experienced about our plight,

he was a caring friend to me, always there

to protect me when home didn't have walls.

We'd find spots to sleep, and he watched

over my safety; and I, I watched over him,

be there for him, be a kinder voice in our dark...

 

Do I still wish I'd been there that night?

For sure, that heartbreak will never cease...

Do I blame myself like I did for all of these years?

I don't believe that I do anymore, or ever will; no...

My view has evolved, I think. I truly understand.

Proverbial cards were more than stacked... piling…

 

This was way beyond the two of us to control...

We were just kids in impossible circumstances.

What my today is compared to what it once was,

there was no reason to ever believe it'd get better,

but it did.  I feel it'd have been the same for him...

Although the shame will forevermore thrive,

 

and it's perhaps strange to say... we're ok now.





Words by F.i.in.e Moods The PoetBay support member heart!
Read 253 times
Written on 2020-07-01 at 19:34

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Alan J Ripley The PoetBay support member heart!
Hi I'm Alan
Sorry to hear about your lose
Life goes on sometimes
Even though you can't remember why.
Lovely thoughts and prayers have gone into this.
I couldn't read all of it
Made me cry to much xx
2021-10-21


AFRODITE STATHI The PoetBay support member heart!
Reminding the good times his smile his loving eyes sometimes helps.This is devastating and so powerful.I am out of words.He was so young.This is a poem of true love.And writing about D might help a lot.
2020-07-02



The words I find the most poignant, the sharpest phrases in this very potent poem, are "having listened to the moment which tricked him, and stole every last bit of his already weary endurance." As a reader, I feel those lines powerfully.

Thank you for sharing such intimate work.
2020-07-02


Rik The PoetBay support member heart!
Seldom do words do justice to our feelings, which make these words all the more impressive when considerring the subject. It is clear the love and companionship you both shared and the tenderness in which you hold this dear friendship. A friendship which will always live on within your heart. A very touching post written with such gentleness. My heart reaches out to you.
2020-07-02


Lawrence Beck The PoetBay support member heart!
This is a gut-wrencher, but very thoughtful and nicely written.

"Cecilia?" Really? Salt in the wound, I say.
2020-07-01


one trick pony The PoetBay support member heart!
". . . you're breakin' my heart . . ."

but moving on. this is the best, and the hardest, of writing.

love,
l.
2020-07-01