Current Mood: alright, reflecting on things...
Current Music: "Cecilia" - Simon & Garfunkel
NOTE: 2020 07 01 09H37 EST Thoughts for D. -
Thoughts for D.
- over the years, I've written many times about my friend's suicide... the demolished state I found him in that night, it really wreaked havoc on my well-being for quite a number of years... although this is a devastating memory, and my writing about it now might suggest otherwise, I'm ok... as life is moving on, I'm at a point where I'm taking the time to realize how far things have come in my circumstances... so, here are different thoughts for D. today... the song was D.'s favorite even though in our youth it was considered an oldie...
- D. died at the age of 20, on 2 October 1996...
We were so young, our hearts so tender,
easily bruised, although battered at that point...
And mine's most devastating demolition was
the night I didn't make it on time to stop him
from another attempt on his life...
Got there much, much too late...
For what felt like unending decades, that scene
has followed me, has haunted, and maimed
my mind, which, too happy to comply, went
all out to make me believe it was my failure.
For the longest time, it crushed me...
It damned near broke me forever...
Not denying thinking on it all still stings, but I can
today acknowledge a lessening in the throbbing
intensity, and destructivity, it's been all these
years. Will I ever forget? I seriously doubt it.
But I think other thoughts now, such as how he'd
have been like today had he been able to give it time...
I find myself daydreaming of a different outcome :
Of his happy eyes, his smiles, and his laugh... of
how he's surrounded to give all the care he had.
Of beauty, love gracing his space on a daily basis,
like he'd never had it, or could dream of... of
his life finally in its rightful cradle of affection.
I like to imagine that his torment would've
done like mine did, it'd have waned in time.
Sadness; no blame am I pointing at him for having
listened to the moment which tricked him, and
stole every last bit of his already weary endurance
against the pain with no end, no stopping in sight...
'Older' and more experienced about our plight,
he was a caring friend to me, always there
to protect me when home didn't have walls.
We'd find spots to sleep, and he watched
over my safety; and I, I watched over him,
be there for him, be a kinder voice in our dark...
Do I still wish I'd been there that night?
For sure, that heartbreak will never cease...
Do I blame myself like I did for all of these years?
I don't believe that I do anymore, or ever will; no...
My view has evolved, I think. I truly understand.
Proverbial cards were more than stacked... piling…
This was way beyond the two of us to control...
We were just kids in impossible circumstances.
What my today is compared to what it once was,
there was no reason to ever believe it'd get better,
but it did. I feel it'd have been the same for him...
Although the shame will forevermore thrive,
and it's perhaps strange to say... we're ok now.
Words by F.i.in.e Moods
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Written on 2020-07-01 at 19:34
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